I recently came across a verse from a poem that I wrote when I was 17. A friend had put his version of it in my yearbook when I was a junior in high school. I thought it would be pretty interesting to do a tribute to the poem "17". . . .about 9 years later!
So, here's my poem "25," as I prepare to turn a "quarter of century" this week.
Enjoy!
Alex
-----------------
25
I'm 25 and born to thrive.
I'm 25 and stayin'alive.
I'm 25 and I love school.
I'm 25 and teaching kids is cool.
I'm 25 and going back to college.
I'm 25 and acquiring more knowledge.
I'm 25 and love cats and giraffes,
I'm 25 and savor a hearty laugh.
I'm 25 and enjoy a good read,
I'm 25 and like to do good deeds.
I'm 25 and payin' my own bills,
I'm 25 and love historic mills.
I'm 25 and enjoy walks on the beach,
I'm 25 and am allergic to the peach.
I'm 25 and drive my own car,
I'm 25 and enjoy gazing at the stars.
I'm 25 and have some great friends,
I'm 25 and thankful that the world never ends.
I'm 25 and am excited for this year,
I'm 25 and learning to live without fear.
I'm 25 and my favorite color is blue,
I'm 25 and love the morning dew.
I'm 25 and like to write,
I'm 25 and fly diamond shaped kites.
I'm 25 and value education,
I'm 25 and know kids are the future of our nation.
I'm 25 with a family of my own,
I'm 25 and happy I call teaching my home.
I'm 25 and looking ahead,
I'm 25 and knowing someday, I'll wed.
I'm 25 and signing off, wow!
I'm 25, did you like that poem, now?
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Letters to My Husband
"It was not suddenly and unannounced that Jesus came into the world. He came into a world that had been prepared for him. The whole Old Testament is the story of a special preparation. . . Only when all was ready, only in the fullness of His time, did Jesus come." -Phillips Brooks
(The following post is an excerpt from my journal, written today, titled "Letters to my Husband.")
Dear Future Husband,
I've been trying to keep up with this little Christmas Advent book. Today, I read this quote and thought that it could be applied to us and our relationship. When I am by myself, I am the most vulnerable. I am lost in my own thoughts and often think about you. More specifically, I wonder where you are. I wonder when we will finally meet (or if we have already met). I wonder if I will be disappointed in God's choice for me. But then, I am reminded that those are irrational fears and are not worthy of my lamenting or thoughts. They must be "thrown into the fire" never to be thought of, seen from, or heard from again.
But tonight, I am reminded that He's saving you for me and I for you. Jesus' plans are far superior than mine. Our relationship will be very special for the simple fact that it is built on Him. That all of this waiting is for a purpose, for a reason; and that is, to unite two hearts, two bodies, to you and that they would ultimately glorify your mission and work in the world. My hope is that our relationship would show the world a picture of what our God, our Father in Heaven, is like. I have to trust that because I have decided to wait (and, in some cases, I feel that it has been my life's theme: "waiting"). Waiting has not been something that I chose but rather, waiting chose me. "Only when all was ready, only in the fullness of His time, did Jesus come." Only when two hearts are ready, will Jesus unite us together.
Jesus chased after me, I will chase after you, and now, I will have a man chasing after me, too.
So, in order to make this whole "waiting" process better for myself and more memorable, I need to stop having unrealistic expectations of when, where, under what circumstances, and with whom, we will eventually meet. Instead, I need to be more concerned with the process of my singleness-turned-eventually-into-couple ness and the lessons that are meant along the way. A focus of finding the "perfect guy" will only end in heartache, both on my end and yours.
In a world where Match.com, blind dates, Hallmark movies, and relationship statuses seem the "norm," I feel that it would be beneficial for everyone (regardless of being a widower, a divorcee, single, etc.) to remember their own "love story," where they came from, and where they are ultimately going. And, most importantly, who took them for their ride.
For me, that's a journey of 24 years of singleness and knowing, rather, feeling comfortable with, that being "okay". There is humility in waiting for a flower to bloom, for a child to grow, for the seasons to turn. There is also eager anticipation. That's what I want our relationship to be founded on: eager anticipation for the other.
But, who wouldn't want to meet the love of their life on Christmas? Surely, Jesus met all of us that way. Or on any other ideal holiday. To have the "cute" love story would be pretty awesome. But you know what? I am perfectly happy with meeting you anywhere. With knowing that God's got it all figured out, and hasn't led me astray in the past has given me hope for the future.
This does not go without saying that I think of you often. As I grow older and mature, my criteria for you has changed from superficial to more internal. I want you to be so full of the Lord, to have a great personality, to make me laugh (and yes, a little attractiveness to the other party wouldn't hurt either :)
It seems that I have been forever surrounded by young couples and a society that pushes romance and adult responsibilities far too quickly on young teenagers and not enough emphasis on just simply waiting. Don't get me wrong - my whole season of singleness hasn't been all that enjoyable at times. Truthfully, I would have liked to meet you sooner, for you to have come into my life earlier. But alas, all I can do is do what I have been doing all along - and that, my dear, is to wait and to have hope. Hope that the grace of God will carry us through, to the moment that I will finally meet you.
Love (your future wife),
Alexandra
(The following post is an excerpt from my journal, written today, titled "Letters to my Husband.")
Dear Future Husband,
I've been trying to keep up with this little Christmas Advent book. Today, I read this quote and thought that it could be applied to us and our relationship. When I am by myself, I am the most vulnerable. I am lost in my own thoughts and often think about you. More specifically, I wonder where you are. I wonder when we will finally meet (or if we have already met). I wonder if I will be disappointed in God's choice for me. But then, I am reminded that those are irrational fears and are not worthy of my lamenting or thoughts. They must be "thrown into the fire" never to be thought of, seen from, or heard from again.
But tonight, I am reminded that He's saving you for me and I for you. Jesus' plans are far superior than mine. Our relationship will be very special for the simple fact that it is built on Him. That all of this waiting is for a purpose, for a reason; and that is, to unite two hearts, two bodies, to you and that they would ultimately glorify your mission and work in the world. My hope is that our relationship would show the world a picture of what our God, our Father in Heaven, is like. I have to trust that because I have decided to wait (and, in some cases, I feel that it has been my life's theme: "waiting"). Waiting has not been something that I chose but rather, waiting chose me. "Only when all was ready, only in the fullness of His time, did Jesus come." Only when two hearts are ready, will Jesus unite us together.
Jesus chased after me, I will chase after you, and now, I will have a man chasing after me, too.
So, in order to make this whole "waiting" process better for myself and more memorable, I need to stop having unrealistic expectations of when, where, under what circumstances, and with whom, we will eventually meet. Instead, I need to be more concerned with the process of my singleness-turned-eventually-into-couple ness and the lessons that are meant along the way. A focus of finding the "perfect guy" will only end in heartache, both on my end and yours.
In a world where Match.com, blind dates, Hallmark movies, and relationship statuses seem the "norm," I feel that it would be beneficial for everyone (regardless of being a widower, a divorcee, single, etc.) to remember their own "love story," where they came from, and where they are ultimately going. And, most importantly, who took them for their ride.
For me, that's a journey of 24 years of singleness and knowing, rather, feeling comfortable with, that being "okay". There is humility in waiting for a flower to bloom, for a child to grow, for the seasons to turn. There is also eager anticipation. That's what I want our relationship to be founded on: eager anticipation for the other.
But, who wouldn't want to meet the love of their life on Christmas? Surely, Jesus met all of us that way. Or on any other ideal holiday. To have the "cute" love story would be pretty awesome. But you know what? I am perfectly happy with meeting you anywhere. With knowing that God's got it all figured out, and hasn't led me astray in the past has given me hope for the future.
This does not go without saying that I think of you often. As I grow older and mature, my criteria for you has changed from superficial to more internal. I want you to be so full of the Lord, to have a great personality, to make me laugh (and yes, a little attractiveness to the other party wouldn't hurt either :)
It seems that I have been forever surrounded by young couples and a society that pushes romance and adult responsibilities far too quickly on young teenagers and not enough emphasis on just simply waiting. Don't get me wrong - my whole season of singleness hasn't been all that enjoyable at times. Truthfully, I would have liked to meet you sooner, for you to have come into my life earlier. But alas, all I can do is do what I have been doing all along - and that, my dear, is to wait and to have hope. Hope that the grace of God will carry us through, to the moment that I will finally meet you.
Love (your future wife),
Alexandra
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Buy the Mauve Eyeglasses
In some parts of my life, it feels like I am starting over again. I am a freshman in college, getting acquainted with my fellow classmates, the campus, student life, and the like.
I feel that I am in a learning phase. I have a new job, in a new place, with new people, with new responsibilities. I am shifting from a woman whose single, to one who is looking for a man who is committed and faith -driven. My life is in a different season. Perhaps, if I had to pick a season that my life most resembles at this moment in time, I would choose spring. I select this option for the fact that at this point in my life, I am experiencing old things in a new way. I am experiencing these new things with a mindset and perspective that I didn't necessarily have before nor did I work on trying to get used to.
For example, I made an appointment with my eye doctor a couple of weeks ago. When he checked my eyes, he told me that they had changed significantly. Thus, my need for new lenses. Now, in the past when my eyes have changed, I have always kept the same pair of frames and just changed the lenses. It was more cost-effective for me and I got really comfortable and used to the frames that I had. But sitting in my eye doctor's office, I felt the need to change my frames, too.
So, the hunt for new frames began. The lady at the eye doctor's helped me to find some frames that I was typically used to in the form of size, shape, and color. She placed all of the frames that I really liked on a small wooden table so that I could go back and try them all on again. I finished browsing and made my way to the table. I sat down and began the long processing of weeding out the frames that just "caught my eye" to those that helped to define and enhance who I am.
I finally settled on two pairs that I equally liked. One was a mauve color that shown red in the light, and the other was a gold, more distinguished, womanly color. Both were small, rectangular frames, something that I was not used to.
The lady at the doctor's saw my smile when I tried on the mauve colored glasses. She said I looked "young and hip" and that the gold rimmed ones made me look more womanly. I went back and forth between these two frames, looking at myself in the mirror, the way a young child does. This went on for about about 20 minutes. I wanted something that would go with my outfits, yet also something that helped to identify the "independent" me.
Then the lady at the eye doctor's said something very profound that really went beyond the "physical" realm of me purchasing new frames. She said: "The mauve ones are more risky and the gold ones are safe. You usually go with the 'safe' eyeglasses. Sometimes, you've got to take a risk."
This small interaction spoke to me so much, because it's so true. I usually, (more often than not) go for the "safe route" all the time. But this summer, I've learned so much about taking risks that are healthy and will promote a positive lifestyle and trying new things. I am so grateful for my friends who have played a part in advancing this area of my life. However, I know that there is still work to be done in me. I am reminded that when it comes to any sort of romantic interest, I am always the first one to put barriers up all around myself - thus blocking off my accessibility from potential guys, friendships, and a future relationship. This is something that I've slowly started to work on. And, I feel that equally as important is the ability to identify this barrier that I've created and to name it. This is a huge step towards change. So, I know that progress is being made, albeit, slowly.
Yet, I do not want this struggle to hinder me from a relationship with a guy, but rather, I want a guy who will accept me for who I am and this particular thing that I struggle with from the start. I want a man who will encourage me to go deeper in my walk with God, and who is strong and firm in his faith. I want a man who will challenge me and who will call me out on things that I will fail at. I want a man who will appreciate my job and the passion that I find in waking up every morning to teach my students. Finally, I want a man who will be able to lead a family in the way, the truth, and the life of Jesus.
In conclusion, relationships (a future romantic one) are just one part of my life that I want to work on. I now see that the interaction with the lady at the eyeglasses store opened the door for me to identify an area in spring that I long to experience blossom.
I am ready to walk in the store and actually pick up, try on, and purchase the mauve-colored eyeglasses. I humbly declare that I am ready to take that risk of wearing them and seeing (no pun intended) where it takes me. Life is all about risks, and we have to allow ourselves time and trust to try them on. I am excited to wear these new glasses (figuratively speaking, of course) and observing the changes that I am a part of when I allow myself to take a risk.
I feel that I am in a learning phase. I have a new job, in a new place, with new people, with new responsibilities. I am shifting from a woman whose single, to one who is looking for a man who is committed and faith -driven. My life is in a different season. Perhaps, if I had to pick a season that my life most resembles at this moment in time, I would choose spring. I select this option for the fact that at this point in my life, I am experiencing old things in a new way. I am experiencing these new things with a mindset and perspective that I didn't necessarily have before nor did I work on trying to get used to.
For example, I made an appointment with my eye doctor a couple of weeks ago. When he checked my eyes, he told me that they had changed significantly. Thus, my need for new lenses. Now, in the past when my eyes have changed, I have always kept the same pair of frames and just changed the lenses. It was more cost-effective for me and I got really comfortable and used to the frames that I had. But sitting in my eye doctor's office, I felt the need to change my frames, too.
So, the hunt for new frames began. The lady at the eye doctor's helped me to find some frames that I was typically used to in the form of size, shape, and color. She placed all of the frames that I really liked on a small wooden table so that I could go back and try them all on again. I finished browsing and made my way to the table. I sat down and began the long processing of weeding out the frames that just "caught my eye" to those that helped to define and enhance who I am.
I finally settled on two pairs that I equally liked. One was a mauve color that shown red in the light, and the other was a gold, more distinguished, womanly color. Both were small, rectangular frames, something that I was not used to.
The lady at the doctor's saw my smile when I tried on the mauve colored glasses. She said I looked "young and hip" and that the gold rimmed ones made me look more womanly. I went back and forth between these two frames, looking at myself in the mirror, the way a young child does. This went on for about about 20 minutes. I wanted something that would go with my outfits, yet also something that helped to identify the "independent" me.
Then the lady at the eye doctor's said something very profound that really went beyond the "physical" realm of me purchasing new frames. She said: "The mauve ones are more risky and the gold ones are safe. You usually go with the 'safe' eyeglasses. Sometimes, you've got to take a risk."
This small interaction spoke to me so much, because it's so true. I usually, (more often than not) go for the "safe route" all the time. But this summer, I've learned so much about taking risks that are healthy and will promote a positive lifestyle and trying new things. I am so grateful for my friends who have played a part in advancing this area of my life. However, I know that there is still work to be done in me. I am reminded that when it comes to any sort of romantic interest, I am always the first one to put barriers up all around myself - thus blocking off my accessibility from potential guys, friendships, and a future relationship. This is something that I've slowly started to work on. And, I feel that equally as important is the ability to identify this barrier that I've created and to name it. This is a huge step towards change. So, I know that progress is being made, albeit, slowly.
Yet, I do not want this struggle to hinder me from a relationship with a guy, but rather, I want a guy who will accept me for who I am and this particular thing that I struggle with from the start. I want a man who will encourage me to go deeper in my walk with God, and who is strong and firm in his faith. I want a man who will challenge me and who will call me out on things that I will fail at. I want a man who will appreciate my job and the passion that I find in waking up every morning to teach my students. Finally, I want a man who will be able to lead a family in the way, the truth, and the life of Jesus.
In conclusion, relationships (a future romantic one) are just one part of my life that I want to work on. I now see that the interaction with the lady at the eyeglasses store opened the door for me to identify an area in spring that I long to experience blossom.
I am ready to walk in the store and actually pick up, try on, and purchase the mauve-colored eyeglasses. I humbly declare that I am ready to take that risk of wearing them and seeing (no pun intended) where it takes me. Life is all about risks, and we have to allow ourselves time and trust to try them on. I am excited to wear these new glasses (figuratively speaking, of course) and observing the changes that I am a part of when I allow myself to take a risk.
Monday, August 19, 2013
The Road to Transitions
Life is all about transitions.
Once you feel like you have mastered the art of navigating transitions, you'll most likely be thrown into another one again. At least, that's how life has been for me.
Throughout my life, I have felt an expanse of transitions. Going from elementary to middle school, is huge in itself. Just think, you're being trained to think from a first grade mindset to a sixth grade mindset. Those five to six years are crucial for developmental stages, making friends, learning academics, and being social, among other things. Then, from middle school, you go on to high school. It's a place where teenagers are dealing with real-life situations first hand and teachers are able to offer them advice when asked. Teachers help prepare the high school student for life post-graduation; whether that's college, work, travel, or a mix of all three.
I think it's quite fair to make the statement that we all go through transitions. After college, I went into substitute teaching - which helped to prepare me for my first full-time teaching job that I have now. Yet, another transition. The training has been very worthwhile and I have come home with a plethora of information at the end of each day. I know that I will probably be filling up countless notebooks with helpful literature and keynote speakers "words of wisdom" from Professional Development training throughout this school year.
Yes, it's true that sometimes the unknown is a little scary; the uncertainty may make some apprehensive. But, I feel that if we, as humankind, were not given the ability to experience these emotions, we would never know life from this perspective. From my experience, I was given this ability to feel emotions when I was created by God. I would never have the ability to empathize with my neighbors about life and the immense hurdles and triumphs that it brings without such emotions.
On an unrelated note but another great example nonetheless, I fully expect that on my first date (see previous blog post: 24 and single) - I will probably be nervous and excited all at the same time. However, if I already feel comfortable with that particular person and have taken the opportunity to get to know him in group settings, then, the whole date (and relationship) will (hopefully!) be better. I feel that if a relationship blossoms out of an initial friendship - the two will work hand-in-hand with each other.
So, I believe that it is because of my willingness to learn, that I have been able to enter the teaching profession with an open heart. My college years and practicum training have fully prepared me for the role that lay ahead. I'm quite excited to be with a group of students that I get to invest in each and every day and be able to have the opportunity to impact their lives. I expect to see those impacts in tangible ways (albeit, sometimes it takes a while) and other times in ways that I cannot see, nor may not ever get to see.
But the reality is, that whatever you are doing, whatever profession you find yourself in, you will experience transitions. You will even experience transitions outside of your careers - for example, expecting a baby, going on a date, moving to a new place, getting married, etc. I feel that it is so important to approach each of these transitions with a fresh and open mindset and not to allow yourself to be swayed by other people's opinions of a particular transition, journey, end goal, or life stage. You are being taken on this journey of life and it is only, the unique you that is living that dream. So, make the most of it!
For me, my passion is teaching. I will talk to anyone and everyone about teaching if/when I have the opportunity! My training has opened up the door to shine a light in the room that I was standing in. When the light was turned on, I saw how my face shone whenever I talked about teaching. It's what I was born to do and I can't imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life (career wise, that is.)
Today was my first day of "official training" as a new, first year teacher (though it feels like I've received so much training already, and I am so grateful for even more!) The speaker talked about how, as a teacher, I am called to "help prepare students for a world that I may never see." This quote helped me to see this profession from a different perspective. A perspective, in which my ultimate end goal is to help assist my students in preparing for life. And, if you ask me, that's a pretty rewarding, challenging, and exciting profession and transition.
Once you feel like you have mastered the art of navigating transitions, you'll most likely be thrown into another one again. At least, that's how life has been for me.
Throughout my life, I have felt an expanse of transitions. Going from elementary to middle school, is huge in itself. Just think, you're being trained to think from a first grade mindset to a sixth grade mindset. Those five to six years are crucial for developmental stages, making friends, learning academics, and being social, among other things. Then, from middle school, you go on to high school. It's a place where teenagers are dealing with real-life situations first hand and teachers are able to offer them advice when asked. Teachers help prepare the high school student for life post-graduation; whether that's college, work, travel, or a mix of all three.
I think it's quite fair to make the statement that we all go through transitions. After college, I went into substitute teaching - which helped to prepare me for my first full-time teaching job that I have now. Yet, another transition. The training has been very worthwhile and I have come home with a plethora of information at the end of each day. I know that I will probably be filling up countless notebooks with helpful literature and keynote speakers "words of wisdom" from Professional Development training throughout this school year.
Yes, it's true that sometimes the unknown is a little scary; the uncertainty may make some apprehensive. But, I feel that if we, as humankind, were not given the ability to experience these emotions, we would never know life from this perspective. From my experience, I was given this ability to feel emotions when I was created by God. I would never have the ability to empathize with my neighbors about life and the immense hurdles and triumphs that it brings without such emotions.
On an unrelated note but another great example nonetheless, I fully expect that on my first date (see previous blog post: 24 and single) - I will probably be nervous and excited all at the same time. However, if I already feel comfortable with that particular person and have taken the opportunity to get to know him in group settings, then, the whole date (and relationship) will (hopefully!) be better. I feel that if a relationship blossoms out of an initial friendship - the two will work hand-in-hand with each other.
So, I believe that it is because of my willingness to learn, that I have been able to enter the teaching profession with an open heart. My college years and practicum training have fully prepared me for the role that lay ahead. I'm quite excited to be with a group of students that I get to invest in each and every day and be able to have the opportunity to impact their lives. I expect to see those impacts in tangible ways (albeit, sometimes it takes a while) and other times in ways that I cannot see, nor may not ever get to see.
But the reality is, that whatever you are doing, whatever profession you find yourself in, you will experience transitions. You will even experience transitions outside of your careers - for example, expecting a baby, going on a date, moving to a new place, getting married, etc. I feel that it is so important to approach each of these transitions with a fresh and open mindset and not to allow yourself to be swayed by other people's opinions of a particular transition, journey, end goal, or life stage. You are being taken on this journey of life and it is only, the unique you that is living that dream. So, make the most of it!
For me, my passion is teaching. I will talk to anyone and everyone about teaching if/when I have the opportunity! My training has opened up the door to shine a light in the room that I was standing in. When the light was turned on, I saw how my face shone whenever I talked about teaching. It's what I was born to do and I can't imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life (career wise, that is.)
Today was my first day of "official training" as a new, first year teacher (though it feels like I've received so much training already, and I am so grateful for even more!) The speaker talked about how, as a teacher, I am called to "help prepare students for a world that I may never see." This quote helped me to see this profession from a different perspective. A perspective, in which my ultimate end goal is to help assist my students in preparing for life. And, if you ask me, that's a pretty rewarding, challenging, and exciting profession and transition.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
24 and single
For a while, it seemed that I was missing out on the most "important" aspect of life. I was so focused and concentrated on finding that "special someone". I put a lot of my energy into this, and with that, neglected all of the beautiful things going on around me. I often felt that God had forgotten about me and spent a lot of time wondering and asking
"When is my time going to come?"
"When will I experience what my friends are experiencing?"
"Is there something wrong with me?"
You see, all that I saw around me was my friends in their early to mid-20's, engaged (sometimes, quite literally) in couply things: like date nights, weddings, engagements, etc. All of these milestones that life was giving them, I was not experiencing. I often felt in a strange place as a single woman.
It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I finally felt comfortable with myself as a single woman. I finally realized that some of the good and beautiful things like marriage (or the "M- word", as I like to call to it), date nights, and couply outings, were not happening because of me, but because I just simply hadn't crossed that particular path yet. And for once, I was okay with that. Because, for once, I was finally comfortable with myself and who I was created to be.
I realized that society has this way of dictating to us how we should live our lives, particularly with women. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced this at all, but the media shoves a lot of "adult-like" responsibilities our way that we haven't crossed yet. I often wonder about the short and long-term effects that society feeds young women about adulthood, the mediums through which these messages travel (via computer, magazine, television, music, internet, etc.) and how these women change as a result of this unhealthy nutrition.
For me, I knew who I was in God, but I wasn't truly comfortable in that. The past few days, I have experienced this incredible comfort in my identity, in who I am. I no longer attend social gatherings with the mindset of "looking for someone." My perspective on this whole issue has changed.
For example, while my friends planned their perfect "date outfit," I was talking to God about how I felt as a single woman. I feel that these past 6 months have been quite a growth experience for me. I slowly drifted away from thinking all the time about my "dream guy" to prayers that were less self-driven and more outward focused on my friends, my family, my parents, being faithful to Jesus, etc. My attitude towards life also changed, too. I often came home from social gatherings with friends downcast at times because "so-and-so didn't talk to me", when in reality, I was trying to cross a road that I was not ready for.
Here's an analogy: it was like I was trying to cross a road with cars passing in front of me. I so desperately wanted to get to the other side (because that's where the majority of my friends were). Looking back, I craved their lives rather than focusing on my own.
Within this half a year, I have grown personally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I do not say this with an "oh, look at me!" mindset but with a humble heart, knowing from personal experience that I have truly been blessed by Jesus. I have been very careful and intentional about what I am putting into my body in terms of nutrition and equally as faithful with keeping myself fit at the gym. I have been trying new things and conquering obstacles.
I have been able to bless other single women with my "story", though I don't even consider it a story, really, but a true reflection of the journey that God has taken me on. God has also equally blessed me with wonderful women who are in healthy relationships and how to learn from them. I have re-examined my life as a single woman not as something to feel bad about but as something to fully embrace. Because, only one "Alexandra Believes" will ever navigate on this journey. (:
A friend recently pointed out to me, that she was excited that I have been able to be single, because I'm able to connect with other single women in a way that women who are in relationships may not have the ability to. I've really enjoyed observing, listening to, and asking questions from my friends who have been in relationships and those who are in them currently about that particular "path." This same friend also shared that once I am in a relationship, I will be experiencing a lot of "firsts." Which, in and of itself, is pretty neat, because I have nothing else to compare him (or the relationship), to. In a way, it will be my new path of "firsts," something exciting and nerve racking all at the same time.
I do not regret any of this time that I have spent as a single woman. I have enjoyed the freedom that it brings. I've also truly enjoyed the times that I've spent (and continue) to spend with God. Finally, I've enjoyed the moments where I've felt truly comfortable in how God created me. I've come to the realization that women do not need a man to define their worth or who they are in society, but that a true and proper understanding of themselves will only come through time spent with Jesus.
This season of singleness has helped me to be able to transition for when that special man walks across that path to meet me, too.
"When is my time going to come?"
"When will I experience what my friends are experiencing?"
"Is there something wrong with me?"
You see, all that I saw around me was my friends in their early to mid-20's, engaged (sometimes, quite literally) in couply things: like date nights, weddings, engagements, etc. All of these milestones that life was giving them, I was not experiencing. I often felt in a strange place as a single woman.
It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I finally felt comfortable with myself as a single woman. I finally realized that some of the good and beautiful things like marriage (or the "M- word", as I like to call to it), date nights, and couply outings, were not happening because of me, but because I just simply hadn't crossed that particular path yet. And for once, I was okay with that. Because, for once, I was finally comfortable with myself and who I was created to be.
I realized that society has this way of dictating to us how we should live our lives, particularly with women. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced this at all, but the media shoves a lot of "adult-like" responsibilities our way that we haven't crossed yet. I often wonder about the short and long-term effects that society feeds young women about adulthood, the mediums through which these messages travel (via computer, magazine, television, music, internet, etc.) and how these women change as a result of this unhealthy nutrition.
For me, I knew who I was in God, but I wasn't truly comfortable in that. The past few days, I have experienced this incredible comfort in my identity, in who I am. I no longer attend social gatherings with the mindset of "looking for someone." My perspective on this whole issue has changed.
For example, while my friends planned their perfect "date outfit," I was talking to God about how I felt as a single woman. I feel that these past 6 months have been quite a growth experience for me. I slowly drifted away from thinking all the time about my "dream guy" to prayers that were less self-driven and more outward focused on my friends, my family, my parents, being faithful to Jesus, etc. My attitude towards life also changed, too. I often came home from social gatherings with friends downcast at times because "so-and-so didn't talk to me", when in reality, I was trying to cross a road that I was not ready for.
Here's an analogy: it was like I was trying to cross a road with cars passing in front of me. I so desperately wanted to get to the other side (because that's where the majority of my friends were). Looking back, I craved their lives rather than focusing on my own.
Within this half a year, I have grown personally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I do not say this with an "oh, look at me!" mindset but with a humble heart, knowing from personal experience that I have truly been blessed by Jesus. I have been very careful and intentional about what I am putting into my body in terms of nutrition and equally as faithful with keeping myself fit at the gym. I have been trying new things and conquering obstacles.
I have been able to bless other single women with my "story", though I don't even consider it a story, really, but a true reflection of the journey that God has taken me on. God has also equally blessed me with wonderful women who are in healthy relationships and how to learn from them. I have re-examined my life as a single woman not as something to feel bad about but as something to fully embrace. Because, only one "Alexandra Believes" will ever navigate on this journey. (:
A friend recently pointed out to me, that she was excited that I have been able to be single, because I'm able to connect with other single women in a way that women who are in relationships may not have the ability to. I've really enjoyed observing, listening to, and asking questions from my friends who have been in relationships and those who are in them currently about that particular "path." This same friend also shared that once I am in a relationship, I will be experiencing a lot of "firsts." Which, in and of itself, is pretty neat, because I have nothing else to compare him (or the relationship), to. In a way, it will be my new path of "firsts," something exciting and nerve racking all at the same time.
I do not regret any of this time that I have spent as a single woman. I have enjoyed the freedom that it brings. I've also truly enjoyed the times that I've spent (and continue) to spend with God. Finally, I've enjoyed the moments where I've felt truly comfortable in how God created me. I've come to the realization that women do not need a man to define their worth or who they are in society, but that a true and proper understanding of themselves will only come through time spent with Jesus.
This season of singleness has helped me to be able to transition for when that special man walks across that path to meet me, too.
Monday, July 15, 2013
#10 - humility
Again and again I am reminded that I cannot (nor should I try), to do it all on my own.
This is quite a challenging statement for some to grasp. The belief that, as a human, I do not have the ability to control the things around me regardless of how hard I try, is hard to follow through at times. We have all experienced this belief that we've "got it all together." But the reality is, we don't. We are broken human beings in need of love, support, and people. We are called to recall the one who does have it all together: Jesus. The simple act of calling on his name may be the very thing that brings you to your knees.
Today, I was humbly reminded that I am young, I am learning, and I need to be flexible with the circumstances that I find myself in at any given time. I find myself at a point in my life where I am (again) learning how to be "content" without having a road map. A friend once put it like this: "I need to trust that the pilot of a plane knows how to fly the plane better than I do. Will I trust the pilot or my own devices?" In a similar way, I need to trust in Jesus - to get me through life's challenging obstacles, to rejoice at the tops of mountain peaks, and to weep alongside the feet of those who are experiencing deep sorrow.
In some ways, humility can be likened to that of a group task. Humility takes support and a lowering of oneself - a wiping away of all standards that you have set in an effort to see things from a completely different perspective. The support of a trusted community AND the encouragement of that particular group of people is so important and vital to your growth as a person. I would argue, in fact, that humility needs both a lessening of oneself and encouragement (or reminders of who you are - identity) in order to fully blossom. Your trusted community of family, friends, coworkers, spouse - they all need to remind you of your place in the world, they need to encourage you, and they need to remind you of your identity. For followers of Jesus, it is reminding yourself through scripture, accountability, people, etc. that you are, indeed, a daughter or a son of God, the Creator of the world. Regardless of your spiritual journey, I would humbly suggest to you that we are all in need of some restructuring of our positions in society every now and then, as well as the continual support and encouragement from family.
Peace.
This is quite a challenging statement for some to grasp. The belief that, as a human, I do not have the ability to control the things around me regardless of how hard I try, is hard to follow through at times. We have all experienced this belief that we've "got it all together." But the reality is, we don't. We are broken human beings in need of love, support, and people. We are called to recall the one who does have it all together: Jesus. The simple act of calling on his name may be the very thing that brings you to your knees.
Today, I was humbly reminded that I am young, I am learning, and I need to be flexible with the circumstances that I find myself in at any given time. I find myself at a point in my life where I am (again) learning how to be "content" without having a road map. A friend once put it like this: "I need to trust that the pilot of a plane knows how to fly the plane better than I do. Will I trust the pilot or my own devices?" In a similar way, I need to trust in Jesus - to get me through life's challenging obstacles, to rejoice at the tops of mountain peaks, and to weep alongside the feet of those who are experiencing deep sorrow.
In some ways, humility can be likened to that of a group task. Humility takes support and a lowering of oneself - a wiping away of all standards that you have set in an effort to see things from a completely different perspective. The support of a trusted community AND the encouragement of that particular group of people is so important and vital to your growth as a person. I would argue, in fact, that humility needs both a lessening of oneself and encouragement (or reminders of who you are - identity) in order to fully blossom. Your trusted community of family, friends, coworkers, spouse - they all need to remind you of your place in the world, they need to encourage you, and they need to remind you of your identity. For followers of Jesus, it is reminding yourself through scripture, accountability, people, etc. that you are, indeed, a daughter or a son of God, the Creator of the world. Regardless of your spiritual journey, I would humbly suggest to you that we are all in need of some restructuring of our positions in society every now and then, as well as the continual support and encouragement from family.
Peace.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
# 9 - comfort vs. vulnerability
I like to be comfortable.
Correction. Maybe "love" is a better word.
I love to be comfortable.
Then again, life isn't always about being comfortable.
There are parts of our lives where we are called to be comfortable, to live in and with people, places, things and times that are familiar to us. However, there are those people, places, things, and times as equally as important, and even more so, I would argue, that cause us to step out of the comfort and into the vulnerability.
Comfort connotes that one desires to be in a place that one is familiar with. Comfort suggests that I make the choice to be involved with these people, places, things, and ideas. Vulnerability connotes that I desire (either by my own choice or not) to step out of the familiar and into a time and a space that is not my own. It is unfamiliar in the fact that I may be uncomfortable with the uncertainty and unknown parts of this person, place, or thing. On the other hand, vulnerability forces me to try something new: that is, to get to know a new person, new place, or a new thing. When every part of me resists the vulnerability or the uncomfortableness of this change (and believe me, it has), I fight. Hard. So much so, that I sometimes fall flat on my face in the circle of life, all because I am becoming introduced to something new.
Now, there are some differences between comfort and vulnerability. I would first argue that comfort can be broken down into two parts:
1) Comfort that is healthy
2) Comfort that is unhealthy.
In much the same way, vulnerability can be broken down into two parts:
1) Vulnerability that is healthy.
2) Vulnerability that is unhealthy.
If you are confused, let me being by explaining my thinking and logic on these two very different, yet very important, concepts.
First, let's tackle comfort that is healthy. Right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop. I am comfortable sitting in this coffee shop. I have my coffee, my blueberries and carrot sticks, my computer, my phone, and my books. One could say that I am comfortable. (Keep in mind, however, that my possessions should, in no way, define who I am. But, more on that in a future post.)
In dealing with comfort that is unhealthy - Let's take this same coffee shop. I have all of my possessions like books and coffee, with me. I would be considered (at least in my own thinking), to be experiencing "unhealthy comfort" if I was in this scenario all of the time. For example, I would be demonstrating that I am experiencing unhealthy comfort because I have refused to try and move to another location, like type at the mall, or in a park, or on a mountaintop.
In terms of vulnerability, a person can experience one of two types as explained above: vulnerability that is healthy and vulnerability that is unhealthy. Take, for example, a first date. A guy and a girl start off their relationship as friends and then they gradually discover that they have romantic feelings for each other. They decide that the next logical step is to go out on a date. This type of situation may be considered for some, healthy vulnerability. A typical guy asks a typical girl out. This act requires the guy to step out of the comfort of "just friends" and into a more deeper and defined relationship. In essence, the guy is putting himself out there for the girl to either reject or accept his invitation. I call this situation, "healthy vulnerability."
On the flip side, there is also, "unhealthy vulnerability." Let's take this scenario of this typical guy and this typical girl once more. Say this typical girl accepted the invitation of this first date. During the date, this typical girl tempts this typical guy by using flirtatious techniques that are very difficult for this guy to resist. This interaction makes the typical guy feel uncomfortable, and thus, the date itself feels incredibly awkward. This is an example of "unhealthy vulnerability." The girl put herself out there for the guy way too much at a time when their relationship was just beginning.
In life, I think we can all agree that we have experienced instances of healthy and unhealthy comfort and healthy and unhealthy vulnerability. It is important to reflect and learn from these situations, whether we are currently experiencing them now or whether they happened in the past. Equally important, is the ability to learn from and grow from these experiences. Some of us may feel comfortable sharing our situations with others in order to hold ourselves accountable and/or to help others going through the same thing(s).
This week, I encourage you to journal and talk with a trusted friend about your comforts and vulnerability experiences, in order to grow and learn from them.
Correction. Maybe "love" is a better word.
I love to be comfortable.
Then again, life isn't always about being comfortable.
There are parts of our lives where we are called to be comfortable, to live in and with people, places, things and times that are familiar to us. However, there are those people, places, things, and times as equally as important, and even more so, I would argue, that cause us to step out of the comfort and into the vulnerability.
Comfort connotes that one desires to be in a place that one is familiar with. Comfort suggests that I make the choice to be involved with these people, places, things, and ideas. Vulnerability connotes that I desire (either by my own choice or not) to step out of the familiar and into a time and a space that is not my own. It is unfamiliar in the fact that I may be uncomfortable with the uncertainty and unknown parts of this person, place, or thing. On the other hand, vulnerability forces me to try something new: that is, to get to know a new person, new place, or a new thing. When every part of me resists the vulnerability or the uncomfortableness of this change (and believe me, it has), I fight. Hard. So much so, that I sometimes fall flat on my face in the circle of life, all because I am becoming introduced to something new.
Now, there are some differences between comfort and vulnerability. I would first argue that comfort can be broken down into two parts:
1) Comfort that is healthy
2) Comfort that is unhealthy.
In much the same way, vulnerability can be broken down into two parts:
1) Vulnerability that is healthy.
2) Vulnerability that is unhealthy.
If you are confused, let me being by explaining my thinking and logic on these two very different, yet very important, concepts.
First, let's tackle comfort that is healthy. Right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop. I am comfortable sitting in this coffee shop. I have my coffee, my blueberries and carrot sticks, my computer, my phone, and my books. One could say that I am comfortable. (Keep in mind, however, that my possessions should, in no way, define who I am. But, more on that in a future post.)
In dealing with comfort that is unhealthy - Let's take this same coffee shop. I have all of my possessions like books and coffee, with me. I would be considered (at least in my own thinking), to be experiencing "unhealthy comfort" if I was in this scenario all of the time. For example, I would be demonstrating that I am experiencing unhealthy comfort because I have refused to try and move to another location, like type at the mall, or in a park, or on a mountaintop.
In terms of vulnerability, a person can experience one of two types as explained above: vulnerability that is healthy and vulnerability that is unhealthy. Take, for example, a first date. A guy and a girl start off their relationship as friends and then they gradually discover that they have romantic feelings for each other. They decide that the next logical step is to go out on a date. This type of situation may be considered for some, healthy vulnerability. A typical guy asks a typical girl out. This act requires the guy to step out of the comfort of "just friends" and into a more deeper and defined relationship. In essence, the guy is putting himself out there for the girl to either reject or accept his invitation. I call this situation, "healthy vulnerability."
On the flip side, there is also, "unhealthy vulnerability." Let's take this scenario of this typical guy and this typical girl once more. Say this typical girl accepted the invitation of this first date. During the date, this typical girl tempts this typical guy by using flirtatious techniques that are very difficult for this guy to resist. This interaction makes the typical guy feel uncomfortable, and thus, the date itself feels incredibly awkward. This is an example of "unhealthy vulnerability." The girl put herself out there for the guy way too much at a time when their relationship was just beginning.
In life, I think we can all agree that we have experienced instances of healthy and unhealthy comfort and healthy and unhealthy vulnerability. It is important to reflect and learn from these situations, whether we are currently experiencing them now or whether they happened in the past. Equally important, is the ability to learn from and grow from these experiences. Some of us may feel comfortable sharing our situations with others in order to hold ourselves accountable and/or to help others going through the same thing(s).
This week, I encourage you to journal and talk with a trusted friend about your comforts and vulnerability experiences, in order to grow and learn from them.
Monday, July 8, 2013
# 8: new beginnings
Well, I suppose I should be on # 12 in the series "24 things you may not know about me." But, life is consuming and time, fulfilling. For now, here's number 8: new beginnings.
//////////
I love new beginnings.
I love the unexpectedness in not knowing what's around the corner.
I love the joy and happiness - comparable, to a relationship that's first starting to bloom; with the excitement and giddiness from both parties toward the other person.
I love the dreaming and the wondering of new beginnings.
I love how the whole world seems within reach -especially when you have great friends to share it with.
I love the butterflies in your stomach (the good kind).
In a way, new beginnings remind me of first dates. In the Hallmark movie, Remember Sunday (if you haven't seen this, you totally should), the man Gus, has a brain aneurysm that impacts his short-term memory. As a result, he has to relearn EVERYTHING each day. One day, he meets this woman, and they really like each other, but she doesn't know abut his medical condition until she becomes very attached to him. You get to witness their relationship develop over the course of the movie; he approaches each day with a fresh, new perspective and his girlfriend helps to expose him to new things everyday.
The way this man experiences new things and the way that this woman shows him, (in her own special way) to embrace the uniqueness of life, reminds me of myself. I approach each day with a new mindset (as challenging as it may be) but I also have a way about me that likes to explore and to try new things. For example, when my friends and I went to Newport, they encouraged me to try an oyster and to climb a lifeguard chair. I enjoyed the thrill and the newness of these tasks. And granted, it took me some time to muster up the confidence, but in the end, I am proud of myself that I did it!
New beginnings can be scary, yes, but they are also filled with limitless and profoundly beautiful possibilities.
Here's to new beginnings.
Cheers!
//////////
I love new beginnings.
I love the unexpectedness in not knowing what's around the corner.
I love the joy and happiness - comparable, to a relationship that's first starting to bloom; with the excitement and giddiness from both parties toward the other person.
I love the dreaming and the wondering of new beginnings.
I love how the whole world seems within reach -especially when you have great friends to share it with.
I love the butterflies in your stomach (the good kind).
In a way, new beginnings remind me of first dates. In the Hallmark movie, Remember Sunday (if you haven't seen this, you totally should), the man Gus, has a brain aneurysm that impacts his short-term memory. As a result, he has to relearn EVERYTHING each day. One day, he meets this woman, and they really like each other, but she doesn't know abut his medical condition until she becomes very attached to him. You get to witness their relationship develop over the course of the movie; he approaches each day with a fresh, new perspective and his girlfriend helps to expose him to new things everyday.
The way this man experiences new things and the way that this woman shows him, (in her own special way) to embrace the uniqueness of life, reminds me of myself. I approach each day with a new mindset (as challenging as it may be) but I also have a way about me that likes to explore and to try new things. For example, when my friends and I went to Newport, they encouraged me to try an oyster and to climb a lifeguard chair. I enjoyed the thrill and the newness of these tasks. And granted, it took me some time to muster up the confidence, but in the end, I am proud of myself that I did it!
New beginnings can be scary, yes, but they are also filled with limitless and profoundly beautiful possibilities.
Here's to new beginnings.
Cheers!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
# 7 - nostalgia
Nostalgia.
I feel as though today, I've been reliving parts of my childhood.
Cookouts.
Awe of seeing a mother and her ducklings swim across a sunset pond.
Old invitations from my 16th birthday party - - cosmic bowling!
Dinner at the pond.
Dance recitals at the park.
Nostalgia.
The innocence of childhood can be a beautiful thing. Just this morning, this Fourth of July felt different. And then, I figured it out: I am getting older. I was missing the excitement and joy of seeing my grandparents - and my relatives coming together when I was just a little girl, with blonde hair fashioned in a waterspout on top of my head. Now, we lead our own separate lives, but those memories are still there.
I miss watching the fireworks with my parents from our kitchen window, brilliantly glowing over our backyard. And though, our trees have grown just a little taller - I still eagerly look outside my window and see sparks of colorful fireworks dancing across the night sky.
Nostalgia.
Sleeping in the backseat on long car rides.
Watching the clouds change shape.
A reflection and stillness - that all (at least for now) is right with the world, and that I can finally relive those precious parts of my life, known as
nostalgia.
I feel as though today, I've been reliving parts of my childhood.
Cookouts.
Awe of seeing a mother and her ducklings swim across a sunset pond.
Old invitations from my 16th birthday party - - cosmic bowling!
Dinner at the pond.
Dance recitals at the park.
Nostalgia.
The innocence of childhood can be a beautiful thing. Just this morning, this Fourth of July felt different. And then, I figured it out: I am getting older. I was missing the excitement and joy of seeing my grandparents - and my relatives coming together when I was just a little girl, with blonde hair fashioned in a waterspout on top of my head. Now, we lead our own separate lives, but those memories are still there.
I miss watching the fireworks with my parents from our kitchen window, brilliantly glowing over our backyard. And though, our trees have grown just a little taller - I still eagerly look outside my window and see sparks of colorful fireworks dancing across the night sky.
Nostalgia.
Sleeping in the backseat on long car rides.
Watching the clouds change shape.
A reflection and stillness - that all (at least for now) is right with the world, and that I can finally relive those precious parts of my life, known as
nostalgia.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
# 6 - failed expectations
The past few nights I've woken from a sound sleep. Thoughts have been knocking on the confines of my head, such as past events, present troubles, and future concerns. Fits of tossing and turning and a spinning mind, have caused me to develop a new habit: write my thoughts down at 3 am on the "notes" app of my phone and talk to God about it. Most often, these times will turn into prayers.
One such issue that I am experiencing is that of failed expectations. Just to be upfront and honest, I fail. A lot. Now, I'm not saying this for people to look at me or to have a pity party or even for people to think less of me. What I am saying is that I am human. And, as a human, I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I try not to make the same mistakes again.
In some areas of my life, I am slow at learning. During my quiet time with God this morning, I read an excerpt from Jesus Calling, where Sarah Young talks about submitting our broken dreams over to God in exchange for his dreams for our lives. This is a very hard thing to do. Submitting control and trusting, are very challenging and adult topics to wrap our minds around (at least for me). Once we come to that place where we submit our own failed expectations of ourselves over to Jesus, change happens. It may not happen as quickly as we'd like, but it does. We may be very resistant to this type of change at first or we may even experience happiness and a longing for more. Either way, it's important to thank God for this revelation.
Within the past month or so, I have learned how to trust again. I trusted before, but it was a different kind of trust in which I placed my hopes in myself and not in Jesus, where it ultimately belonged. The results that I experienced were different and less fulfilling. When I finally decided to let myself trust and to be vulnerable again - I experienced genuine happiness. I was overjoyed that my vulnerability led to something even greater than myself. After that, I experienced hurt again, and learned how to trust once more.
I've come to learn that hurt and trust are cycles. In order to trust, one must be willing to let his or her guard down (in a healthy way), thus making themselves vulnerable to be hurt. Once we are hurt, we may retreat back into the comfort of our shells for a while, but ultimately, something draws our heads out again experience Jesus' love and longing for us.
All that I pray (hope for, really), is that the people that I've hurt, will forgive me. And for those who have hurt me, I say that, from the depths of my heart, you are forgiven.
One such issue that I am experiencing is that of failed expectations. Just to be upfront and honest, I fail. A lot. Now, I'm not saying this for people to look at me or to have a pity party or even for people to think less of me. What I am saying is that I am human. And, as a human, I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I try not to make the same mistakes again.
In some areas of my life, I am slow at learning. During my quiet time with God this morning, I read an excerpt from Jesus Calling, where Sarah Young talks about submitting our broken dreams over to God in exchange for his dreams for our lives. This is a very hard thing to do. Submitting control and trusting, are very challenging and adult topics to wrap our minds around (at least for me). Once we come to that place where we submit our own failed expectations of ourselves over to Jesus, change happens. It may not happen as quickly as we'd like, but it does. We may be very resistant to this type of change at first or we may even experience happiness and a longing for more. Either way, it's important to thank God for this revelation.
Within the past month or so, I have learned how to trust again. I trusted before, but it was a different kind of trust in which I placed my hopes in myself and not in Jesus, where it ultimately belonged. The results that I experienced were different and less fulfilling. When I finally decided to let myself trust and to be vulnerable again - I experienced genuine happiness. I was overjoyed that my vulnerability led to something even greater than myself. After that, I experienced hurt again, and learned how to trust once more.
I've come to learn that hurt and trust are cycles. In order to trust, one must be willing to let his or her guard down (in a healthy way), thus making themselves vulnerable to be hurt. Once we are hurt, we may retreat back into the comfort of our shells for a while, but ultimately, something draws our heads out again experience Jesus' love and longing for us.
All that I pray (hope for, really), is that the people that I've hurt, will forgive me. And for those who have hurt me, I say that, from the depths of my heart, you are forgiven.
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