Love is Hard

Love is hard.

When you love something or someone, it's not easy. It is an on-going process that is both difficult and challenging. However, it can be very rewarding. Love travels miles for the ones that it cares about and does not regard airfare as a price too high to pay. Love is given, used, and recycled. Love takes many forms, at times familiar and at other times, unfamiliar. Love is trying. Love requires sacrifice, the kind a military serviceman or servicewoman gives his/her country when they are deployed. Love requires that you give of yourself without expecting anything in return.

Love also teaches you about yourself. Love is the mirror in which we look into everyday, judging our appearance from the outside, allowing the public to view us the way that we see ourselves. Though, in reality, the inside is what fly's away, revealing the cocoon we have tightly packed up inside us. Love prunes you and makes you stronger. Sometimes, love makes you weak and sorrowful, in order to help you understand an important lesson or to grow and/or maintain closeness to a group.

Love requires you to take risks, to try to surf that high wave rather than skimming in shallow water. Love asks you to see your neighbor as "greater than yourself" and to put their needs before your own. Love encourages you to support your neighbor and to care for them in tangible ways. Love requires you to listen, both thoughtfully and reflectively.

Though love requires all this and more, it is ultimately a teacher. Love requires you to be the child, to sit in the chair and to learn from example. Love requires that we take off our own size 6 shoes in order to walk in our neighbor's size 10. Only when we assume a position like this, can we truly understand what it is like to love one another deeply, in service, in gratitude, in humility, and with thanksgiving.

Cheers.

Contentment Comes Softly

Contentment.

In the most unexpected ways, contentment arrives in my life, like the first buds blossoming on a tree after the last snowfall, a precursor to spring; or, a leaf falling from the sky, quietly landing on the wooden and eroded park bench beside me.

Contentment is an abstract word that is often tied to concrete experiences. Contentment is watching my cat sleep on the couch beside me, as his whiskers twitch from dreams and his paws patter the invisible air. Contentment is knowing that I have found my passion in life, that is, teaching and that I can't imagine doing anything else besides it. Contentment is a warm summer night with a light breeze, nestled under a thin blanket, listening to the crickets chatter throughout the dark, a serenade of free music, moving to my ears. Contentment is taking off my shoes and socks as my feet make love to the warm sand on a deserted beach, walking without a destination in mind. Contentment is knowing that I have done all that I can for the day; knowing that my ability does not come from strength alone, but from something greater that I've allowed to dwell inside of me. Contentment is knowing that you are exactly where you need to be at this particular time in your life, and that you are fulfilling this task with the greatest determination and persistence that you can give.

Contentment doesn't always come to smack you in the face. Contentment may come softly and without hindrance, so that you are thankful to enjoy every last drop, a sweet honey on your tongue, soothing and bursting with hope.

Always Work to Make Things Right

Life isn't always about "being right" or getting the "last word." Sometimes, we are so concerned with getting in that last thought in an effort to make ourselves feel as though we are "ahead" or have a "leg up" on another person. I believe that this power struggle stems from a deeper, internal struggle. Ultimately, it feels like wrestling or a boxing match, where a person has an opponent in a headlock. When you get two people in the ring or on the mat, wrestling their way to the last word or thought, the punches become brutal. Faces become caked with blood that at times, are indescribable, even to their loved ones sitting ringside. Arms ache with trying to punch from mere strength alone. Sweat pours down the face and the body, like rain running down a used umbrella.

So, why do people long for getting in the "last word?" From my experience, it sometimes has more to do with not what we say but how we say it. Our body language tells a story just as well or even better than our lips do. In other words, I'm not a wrestler or a boxer, but I do understand that our body language conveys a message to another person or a group of people, more often than our words do. I would imagine that when a boxer or a wrestler faces their opponent, they are aware of certain postures, gestures, even stances that can predict a fatal blow. If they have practiced enough under a trainer, they may be able to determine when those punches or blows may occur and be a few steps in front of the other person (though not always literally.)

I have noticed that when I am tired and try my best to communicate with my parents through conversation, sometimes the most simple, kind gestures can be a dark rain cloud due to unintentional voice tones, or folded arms across my chest, or a stare on my face. Consciously, I don't intend to do this, but subconsciously, I am tired, want to sleep, and it is past my bedtime.

When this happens, I am reminded that mere strength alone is not enough for me to succeed in the boxing or wrestling match. Preparation is needed and an awareness of self is required in order for us to accurately and effectively communicate our needs to groups of people, especially those closest to us. Loved ones often take the brunt of our negativity and this should not be so. But, it helps to know that something deeper lies beneath all of this hardship: God. He is the one that gives me the strength to try again when I fail. He is the one who speaks the Philippians 4:13 verse to me when I feel as though I cannot face "that person" or "that situation": his voice whispers lovingly in my ear saying: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." It is important that I identify where this strength comes from and point its presence in my life back to God.

Life requires me to interact with people and situations when I am happy as a child, hopeful as a rainbow, sorrowful as a thunderstorm. It is His ability, His life within me, that allows me to try again and again to "make things right."

Confessions of a Gluten-Free Gal: Yes, I am 26, Still Single, and Love Sorbet.

In conversation type situations, I am often asked, "So, what do you do?" I reply that I am a teacher and frequently follow it up with a few other things that I am quite proud of. Then, the all-too familiar question inevitably follows: "So, are you seeing anybody?" (As if that question ultimately determines your worth in society. Sadly, it often does and many great people typically go unnoticed.)

My gut wants to reply with, "a lot of people, actually! I just talked with the Barista at Starbucks while he made my cold brew with honey; I told the man waiting outside the iLoveKickboxing place that the trunk on his car was open; and, I saw the familiar faces of the people at the deli counter when I went grocery shopping today."

Knowing that won't suffice as an answer but will make for a pretty good icebreaker, I tend to revert to the usual: "No, not yet." Or, my personal favorite, "Lots of boys, but no men."

Then, the "said person" asks me my age, or will attempt to say something "comforting" like "Well, you're still young," You have your whole life ahead of you," or "I'm sure you'll find someone when the time is right."

Well meaning people often look at me like I am a school project that needs to be finished by a particular deadline or something that is broken that needs to be fixed.

I would like to argue the point that while these groups of people mean well and that their efforts and familiar phrases do not go unnoticed, I am not a "broken project that needs to be fixed."

In my opinion, you can't put a deadline on "love", "relationships," or "romance." Everyone navigates through these waters at different paces and at different times. I do, however want to stress the importance that I am personally grateful and humbled of all of the things that I have accomplished thus far in my life without a man as an independent, single, twenty-something young woman. For example, I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I could put myself through Graduate School while working full-time as a teacher.

And, I have come to realize that the "right" man for me, will not be flawless, but will also be a work-in progress as I currently am. He will see my life as a challenge and as a journey and will want to partner with me as we buckle up together for that rollercoaster of a ride.

It's amazing how life turns out, too. I have personally watched myself grow at various points on a continuum as a young woman. These road posts have been influential in my personal growth as a woman, as a teacher, and as a friend. There was a time when I was in college, where every chance I saw a guy, I would think "Is he the one?" Then, I graduated from that mentality to being comfortable around groups of people and viewing my interactions with guys as a way to get to know them and their stories. Eventually, this mindset shifted again to "I feel comfortable with my identity and who I am as a woman, specifically, in God." I observed my interactions and intentions start to shift after a period of time again where I realized, "It might be nice to have someone around someday to do things with." I felt my heart opening up in that specific way and became very much okay with that route because of my previous preparation. Recently, I have noticed that a lot of my friends have either had newborns, been engaged, or are about to get married. And, I've, yet again, crossed another road post: "I am okay with being single the rest of my life."

These road posts have been wonderful reminders for me at how far I've come in a personal way. I've used this time to deepen my relationship with God and to get to know new people from all walks of life, both at work and in social situations. And, as I look back at the times where I so yearned for a significant other, I realize one simple thing: how could I have squeezed him into my already busy and chaotic life?

So, as I approach another birthday in the new year, I am humbled at the growth that God has worked within me. Without Him, I would probably still be the shy and introverted young teenage girl. As I sit here typing this blog post, I am gently reminded of the verse that says, "God will give you the desires of your heart." He has put the desire of a relationship in my heart, and I know that He will fulfill it when He decides that the time is right. I know that He has not forgotten about me, even when I feel lonely at times on a Friday night, or find myself trying to eat through a pint of mango sorbet. God has been writing my love story all along; first with me loving Him, loving others, and eventually, making the way for my heart to love a man. I am reminded that we are all vessels, each carrying different kinds of cargo on an ocean that can be extremely rough, or calm, or a bit of both.

So, there is no "deadline" and there is no "fixing." There is just God and two people, sailing on the ocean; originating at different starting points, heading across the sea, meeting each other, someday.

Neighborhood Friends

Dear Readers,

As I get older, I have realized that it is important to make friends, establish friendships, and maintain friendships in a variety of places. I have found that opening myself up to making friends at work, at my gym, and outside of school have allowed me to view the world through different lenses and to take on the life of another human being for that moment in which we interact.

Let me give you an example. In my neighborhood, there are many women who are considerably older than I am, overflowing with wise wisdom. These women are always available to give advice, to talk, and to just "be present" for me whenever I need it. I am truly thankful that my neighbors are constantly there for me, checking in on me when my shades aren't up at a certain time in the morning, and just popping by to say "hello."

And I realize now, that as I continue to get older (though I am only in my mid-twenties!) I would rather have a handful of flowering Zinnia friends that I can call on consistently, rather than a handful of dandelion acquaintances that sprout up sometimes and then are washed away by the rain the next.

Confessions of a Gluten-Free Gal - Part 1:Sleep is Important (Among Other Things)

Dear Readers,

So begins my first post of the "Confessions of a Gluten-Free Gal" blogger style. Over the past year, a handful of my posts on social media have been titled "Confessions of a Gluten-Free Gal," with my musings, focused on anything from relationships, to being comfortable with who you are, to pet peeves, etc. Throughout this time, a few of my friends have mentioned that I should start a blog centered on this. At first, I took it as somewhat of a joke, but then, when people from all different walks of life started encouraging me in this way, I thought, "why not?" Aside from being a teacher, one of my other passions/hobbies in life is writing. And, I don't tend to do much of that nor make time for that as a daily practice in my life anymore. As such, I'm hoping to integrate this practice into my daily life once again, as routine as eating, waking up, conversing, and interacting with the world is. And, so here begins (what I hope), are daily/weekly reflection(s) on life as a single, gluten-free gal.

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Sleep is important.

But, last night, I couldn't sleep. I literally slept, at the most, one hour. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep. But, I know that I am not alone in this endeavor. Though I tend not to struggle with falling asleep, I do struggle with shutting off my "television" of a mind at night. I've read research articles about the importance of unplugging from technology before going to bed every night, but still, I fall short. Sometimes, when I examine myself really closely with a magnifying glass, I have a fear of missing out (or FOMO), as some of my friends like to call it.

Other times, I just have so many thoughts swirling around in my head like a tornado, that I cannot simply, silence them. When I was in college, I used to write before I went to sleep and then this practice slowly drifted away. It was incredibly helpful, because as soon as I made the effort to collect my thoughts on paper, I was able to rest comfortably.

However, I think that the busyness of life and the seasons that I found myself in, changed all of that. Deep down inside, I have realized one thing: we all struggle, or should I say, we all have our own boatload of challenges that we encounter on a daily basis. The piece that should be the determining factor of whether we "write," (however pen to paper looks in our lives) is, are we brave enough to name the things that cause us pain, hurt, or even sorrow, to call them out, and to work inside the vessel of learning how to live life alongside them. Because, I feel that once we do that, (once I begin to call out that I worry, I work a lot, and sometimes, I take myself too seriously), then we will begin to find healing and open up the pathway to a cottage surrounded by the beauty of blossoming flowers.

Rambling Reflections

As I sit here typing this new and updated blog post, I am reflecting on this past year thus far.

Last year, I learned an incredible amount about myself.

I learned that I have grown from a quiet and shy girl, to an outspoken and passionate middle -aged twenty-something young woman.

I learned that my heart is in education and in advocating for students, working to improve the educational system, and always learning more about my field.

I learned that I will probably, always be in school, or, at the very least, learning something new all of the time.

I learned that it is imperative to surround myself with all sorts of people, but to especially, and most importantly, be open to new opportunities and new adventures.

I learned that friendships come in the most unlikely places.

I learned that friendships resemble the stages of the moon and are always waxing and waning.

I learned that when I strive to put myself "out there" for the cause and good of this world, I am making a statement about my beliefs.

I learned that in order for me to improve, I must first make mistakes. Then, the growing process can begin. However, I cannot be afraid of making mistakes, nor is it healthy to lament on past failures, but rather, to learn from them and to move on in positive directions.

I learned that healthy vulnerability is the key to maintaining and having lasting and fruitful friendships. One must risk a little in order to receive. One must pursue in order to be pursued.

Enjoy the "moments" instead of wondering if this "moment" is the particular "one" of something greater.

Be comfortable with yourself and the stage of life that you find yourself in.

Seasons change. People change. The smallest changes can, and perhaps, be the biggest and most necessary changes of your life that have the ability to have the greatest impact on your identity and your future.

You are NOT your work. Neither is your work YOU. They are separate entities and should be treated as such. However, your work should reflect your passions and core beliefs as realistically as possible.

Take some "you" time for at least 5 minutes every day.

One day of the week MUST be entirely for you to rest and recoup.

Not everyone is who they say "or portray" themselves to be. Likewise, don't write off everyone due to small discrepancies that society often says "can" and "won't" work.

We are all worthy of love, to be loved, and to have loved.

And, finally, great things truly do come to those who wait. The package itself may look a little different, but the purpose inside is honestly, quite beautiful.

"Going to the Chapel and We're, Going to get Married..."

The pictures that we get from the world about marriages and relationships today are far from perfect. Social media posts, Instagram pictures, Facebook NewsFeeds, television clips, newspaper articles and more, all appear that marriage is a lost cause. It seems like there are very few examples of the "ideal" marriage. It is true, we are all imperfect human beings. However, I do have friends who, despite their flaws (I will be the first to admit that I have them, too--we all do) have beautiful and wonderful marriages. God says to "affirm truth wherever we find it." And, it's in those marriages that we see the purpose of marriage being fulfilled; that is, marriage is supposed to show the world a picture of what God is like.

Now, this can be a very difficult feat to live up to; and it should be rightfully so, for we are all, again, flawed human beings. However, I am reminded of my identity in Genesis, where woman was formed from man, in fact, she was created with one of Adam's ribs (how cool is that?!). There is thus, a bond between the two that cannot be broken. Woman came out of man and was put on earth to be a companion for man and to be his Helper (which, the word Helper as used in this context of the Bible, is the same word that is used to refer to God.) This bond that God talks about cannot be separated from Himself or from each other.

When one takes a look at the book of Ruth (a short read, but filled with wonder, nonetheless), it is loaded with images and pictures of marriage. It is one of my favorite stories in the Bible. Ruth's loyalty to Naomi, her mother; Boaz's relentless pursuit of Ruth; and Naomi's encouragement to Ruth to accept the pursuits of Boaz's, is just inspiring.

I want my future "love story" to be a "Ruth" kind-of-story; one of dedication to the Lord from an imperfect human being, loyalty to family, and being pursued by a man that is grounded and confident in who he is. That "pursuit," I believe, is exactly how Jesus pursues us. Relentlessly. Without giving up. And, when I do "give up', at times, God is right beside me, cheering me on to the Finish Line.  Because when I finally arrive, (only due to Jesus' love), another race has begun. But the wonderful thing about God's races is that there are no winners or timers. It is just a race that is simply a journey to where God wants us to ultimately be.

Until that time arrives, I wait. And remain faithful to the things that God has placed in front me at this point in my life: my career, my family, my education, my friends, my church, my finances, and my responsibilities.

Restful Writing

When I don't know what else to do, I write.

I admit, I'm falling back again to that comfortable rhythmic pattern. Ever have those days when you have a bunch of thoughts, floating like fish, swimming around inside your head, and you just don't know what to do with them? You want to ultimately create something meaningful. But, it's hard to create when you're just exhausted.

Everyone needs their rest. And though, I'm really good at giving this advice to people, it's very hard for me to follow it myself. So often, social media creeps back up on me and I find myself wasting my time away on meaningless thoughts and news feeds that I will probably forget all about tomorrow.

But, writing and resting are two things that will never grow old for me. We all need rest. You need rest. I need rest. We are programmed to rest. We were designed to rest. We were created to rest. God rested.

So, resting and writing- they are my "go-to" relievers when I don't know what else to do but need to do something. They calm me and provide me with a foundational place to grow and to be me.

Some days, I realize that I just need to find a quiet place, away from the typical distractions. Like a coffee shop. As I sip on that strawberry smoothie, I realize for a moment that life has the power to pause. As humans, we can take moments within our day to just stop and rest. In fact, we are commanded to. God's word reminds me that after our Creator finished forming the entire world, he rested. Phew! That must have been quite the task. Just think about it; thinking about forming the stars and the sun. What must that be like?

Yet again, I am reminded to put down my phone, tablet, computer, etc. I am reminded that it's completely normal and healthy to have conversations with people face-to-face instead of always through messaging, text, or email. Life is not the latest snapchat or Instagram feed. It is not about the fictitious world that we so often create through pictures; a false sense of identity that we want the world to view us as.

As I continue on in this journey called life, I am reminded that I crave those intimate relationships that go far beyond the typical "how are you doing?" I don't mean the romantic ones that we so often think of or read in blogs. I mean the ones that genuinely go below the surface and into the deep, murky waters of our lives. We all have those people, or have come across some people at least in our lifetimes, who are honestly wondering how we are doing. You know, the kind of friends that will call you up and just listen on the other end as you cry or talk or laugh.

That's one of the things that I have been truly grateful for this month. Friends who have prayed for me in a voicemail. Friends who give hugs regardless of your day. Friends who smile just because. To me, that is rest.

Just resting in the fact that I am loved in a human way. And because I have experienced that human love, God's love is transmitted through them. And even when I feel like I am far away from God, a moment like this happens that reminds me of just how close I really am, and just how far off my mind really was.

Worth, Definition, and a Whole Lotta Curves

Again, I am reminded that my worth is not found in what I do, but in who I am; in who I was created to be. What does it really mean to "like" a status? What drives me to the rapid pace at which I get satisfaction from "liking" something? Why do I crave such fulfillment in social media? My view of worth has taken over God's view of me many times.

In Genesis 1:27, it is written:

      God created man in his own image,
      in the image of God he created him;
      male and female he created them."

Why do I so often forget this truth? I'm constantly being dominated, I feel, by things that are so insignificant. Why have I allowed my worth to be defined by a computer and pictures to create this shallow illusion of me? I choose what to post and what to share. I create this "world" that is in my mind "perfect" (though it is quite imperfect) to show to everyone. Goodness, if feelings were conveyed as pictures, I'd be a mess on Instagram.

My worth is not defined in what I do, but in who I am. God created me to be a relational being. However, that does not require me to always need to know every second of every day where and what my friends are doing. Because, deep down, I am defining myself by their standards. And not only that, I'm comparing my life to their life events (ie: relationships, marriage, family), when in reality, I have not crossed any of those bridges yet. Two different people with two different lives and there should be no room for comparison but rather, for love.

My worth is not defined by rubrics or standards. I am constantly comparing myself to a number or a phrase to find my worth, my significance. I am more than a number on a four-point scale. I am a person, with a name, and a life.

My worth is not defined by my friends. I do have great friends who love and support me very much. For that, I am incredibly thankful. However, my worth is not defined by my association with them or what we do together or our conversations. My worth comes from the fact that God has sent us to do life together.

My worth is not defined by who is or is not on my shoulder. I may not be a runway model or a fashion chic, but my curves tell a story; that is, one containing many chapters, various heartaches, and hopeful dreams. A man does not define my worth. Rather, learning from the relationships that surround me gives me hope for my own romance someday.

My worth is not defined in my work, in how much "I get done." So often, I find myself thinking about daily accomplishments and productivity rather than quality.

I am not my paperwork. I am not my makeup. I am not my handbag. I am not my mascara. I am not my pink rose lipstick. I am not that woman with or without "that guy" on her arms. I am not a rubric. I am not a number. I am not a "like" on Facebook or a comment or a heart on an Instagram picture. Yes, all those things are a part of me and reflect my character - but they are not me.

I am simply a woman created by God, for God, to show the world God. And though I mess up quite a bit, it's God's little/big reminder that I am indeed loved that defines me. I am his beloved. And that cannot be defined by a "like," but by simply "knowing Him" for yourself.