Another Year Older

"You're still a baby!" I've heard some people say.
Yet, what defines a birthday,
the ability to pay?
Why do we use "birthdays" as markers
to signal that a person has reached another year of life?
Why do we celebrate once a year when, in reality,
the celebrations are happening -
everyday?
Forgiving a friend who has wronged you,
a student who has learned a new math concept,
driving safely on the road,
having dinner with friends
an afternoon with dad -
those are the moments we should be celebrating -
everyday.
those are the memories that mean more than a
"once-a-year" type of thing.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not indifferent to birthdays -
in fact, I love them!
I always joke with my parents when my birthday approaches that
"it's the most important historical day in history."
And this year, my birthday was (is) great.
Really, birthdays are what we make of it.
Friends, coworkers, enjoying a meal together -
laughing and talking, leaving our differences at the door and
communing over food,
and shared conversations,
and really good company.
And a birthday celebration with my parents.
As I get older, these are the things that matter the most to me.
To me, it's not about "where" you go, or the initials attached to your name, or how many years you've been in a job, but its about
the memories.
The shared experiences.
The "going through the grit" and knowing that others are
right beside you,
"going through their grit," too.

And honestly, just sitting here reflecting over a cup of chamomile tea in my frog mug, its the moments -
whether quiet with my cats
or full of laughter with friends -
or phone calls with my mom -
that take up the majority of space in my heart.
It's those "keeping of memories" that we ought to try, albeit almost extremely hard,
to teach to our children.
As a teacher, our students need to know and be aware of that "likes" and "follows" and "comments" are all that life is.
A middle schooler once shared with me that they are looking to reach 2,000 followers.
Wow.
I'm just looking to get through 1 day.
That student is looking for followers.
Jesus had followers just by being himself.
He didn't count them.
He didn't create a status for them.
He didn't use emoji's to share how He felt.
He just lived.
And, to be honest, yet again, I think we all have experienced the effects of social media, whether positive or negative.
I have.
And granted, it is beneficial when used correctly.
But to measure your worth,
based on what a computer says or a "friend" says online is not the kind of memory that I want to create.
I want to create memories of things that I enjoy,
and then share those memories with "friends."
Memories matter.
Experiences matter.
People matter.
Always remember that there is a face behind the computer screen, phone screen, iPad screen. . .
a face that longs to be loved, understood, cared for, and wanted.

On another note. . .
This is my first post in over a year. With that said, I am going to make some time to write this year, and to post more regularly, my thoughts, my musings, my hopes and dreams.

that's all for now, from your gluten-free gal.
more "confessions" coming soon.
cheers!

Bus Trips

Over the past month, a couple of people have asked if I had written on my blog recently. It's ironic, really, how time has a way of getting away from us, of speeding up, with no sign of slowing down. I've noticed that when time moves quickly, as it seems to do when we age, we come to points in our lives when we are challenged to catch up to it. One day, I'm 20 and the next, I'm nearing my 30's. One way that has personally worked for me in the area of pausing, is to intentionally reflect on life through activities that bring me joy.

Within the past week, I returned from a bus trip to Canada. I forgot how long a ride in a tour bus could be. After hour # 2, I had recollections of my college days, where I travelled to New Orleans, Louisiana for 2 spring breaks to where I worked with a team from Habitat for Humanity and the St. Bernard's Project to rebuild houses from Hurricane Katrina. A piece of my heart was left in New Orleans, as that famous song is noted for saying, and I hope to be back again one day. I seek to return to the areas I loved the most and those where I developed the strongest connection: The Lower Ninth Ward, Blair Grocery. The French Quarter was a nighttime favorite, listening to the strain of jazz music by favorites such as Louis Armstrong - with the hurt and passion of the years following Katrina, spill out of clubs in perfect harmony through the haunting sounds of my favorite instrument section of all: the brass beauties. The lingering sounds and melody of trumpets, trombones, cornets, etc. swirl in and out of the bars and restaurants as I walk on cobblestone road, living in a time and an age so different from my own, yet in a way, eerily similar.

On my bus trip, I was reminded again of how much I love books, of the pleasure of reading, of being satisfied with traveling to different worlds through the turning of a page with my fingertips. As time sped up and slowed in between traffic through the vast and breathtaking mountains of Maine, the time change was evident outside my window through the position of the sun, I realized that I need to take time to enjoy life, not just the occasional moose and deer that navigated in and out of the trees as our climb up the mountains ensued. I feel that during the hot, dog-days of summer, I am much more open to unstructured times of learning about myself, of growth and maturity, and of investing in my life and those around me. However, this same mindset needs to be applied throughout the school year as well and I need to be more mindful of replacing obvious open pockets of time with hobbies and activities (such as reading, writing, and painting) that I enjoy rather than staring at my phone through social media.

One of my goals this summer is to make more of a personal effort to do these things and engage with people that share different mindsets and outlooks on life than I do, in order to learn more about my world that I inhabit everyday.

You see, as I get older, I realize and understand that  life is not a race. It is not about speeding up and slowing down in a bus on a highway, just brazenly passing in and out of exits and the on-and off ramps of life. It is not merely stopping the bus to view a "sight" or a "historical monument" and then continuing on our journey. Instead, it is getting lost in the moment, learning from others, having wisdom to refrain from the teaching and allowing myself to "be taught." Following a path where the destination may be foggy or unclear needs to be my prerogative rather than always the clear and certain path. Because, it is during those unplanned road trips, that the greatest learning ever takes place: the one inside of you.

Musings from the Miss

Sometimes, I notice it more deeply, like when I drive home after a long's day work, or I sit at the kitchen table, eating my supper of defrosted frozen chicken soup, watching the sunset hide away for the night. Even still, it happens when, by chance, I have a spontaneous idea that I'd like to do, but no one to share it with. I've always been an independent woman, which directly stems from my upbringing, but I've experienced, firsthand, the trials, the roads, and the growing that has blossomed me into the woman that I am today.

I notice it in my house by myself; the way that the golden hour caresses the exposed brick in my living room, the way that the light is so inviting over my paw print blanket, illuminating my cats whiskers to a softness that even a mother towards her newborn can't fathom. I hear it in the church bells and at times, I see it at the grocery store with the elderly couple hand-in-hand. I see it in the way a father cuts up pancakes for his daughter over breakfast.

This sense of "togetherness," of "longing," of wanting to share one's life with someone else is that which I speak of. Sometimes, it hits me at the most inopportune times, while other times, I "store" that memory in the back of head, waiting until I spot that characteristic in a man in which I can experience that someday.

It's true, I believe, how "society" says (or whatever your view of "society" may be), that singleness is a season. For some, that season can be long, and for others, that season may be short. Still, that season may have spurts of togetherness and separation, such as a widow. Hopefully, in every season, you grow, and you're pruned, and you blossom, and you bud, and you grow some more, and are pruned, yet again. In fact, I would argue, that for all of our lives, we seek to grow more into the people that we are created to be, regardless of our belief system(s).

Honestly, as a late twenty-something, it's hard to pick up where you left off with friends when a majority of them are either married, in relationships, having kids, have moved, or are newly married. Unlike that group, I only have to be concerned (though not self-centeredly, to say the least) about only one person: me. To be truthful to all of you readers out there, when I have an idea of something that I'd like to do, like go out to eat a restaurant, or see a movie, or go painting, I think of a friend I'd like to go with and then immediately, my options begin to narrow. Just like a thesis statement, I go from the friends who are married, to those who have kids, to those who are in relationships, etc. Most of the time, I go by myself, because 'why not?' Why wait for someone when you can experience it for yourself? Later on, I can sure the memory with a significant other.

And, social media is a feat all in itself. I've been trying to take small "spurts" of time away from this type of technology to realign myself with what's most important in my life; the values, and beliefs, and mission that I find essential to a fulfilling and satisfying day, week, month, and year.

To be fair, this season of singleness has come with it's perks. For example, it's nice prepping food for the week for just "one." Even from grocery shopping to a little "retail therapy" (hey, we're all guilty of that, right?) to those infamous trips to the country store where I long for that 25 minute car ride to just "think." I've been so happy to be able to use this season of being single to grow as a woman in both my career in teaching, through my local church helping kids, establishing relationships with my seasoned neighbors, and just last year, starting to explore and travel the world for a bit on my own.

Some people may talk about the "freedom" that singleness brings; and, I'd be amiss if I didn't touch upon that, too - at least for a few sentences. I love the freedom to be able to go to a coffee shop, sit with a good book, a cup of tea and just read without the thought of having to go "do something" or "meet with someone." It's in these times, where I love to "people watch." I enjoy watching the interactions that people have with each other, at coffee shops, bookstores, libraries, and other frequented places.

And, it's at these times where I feel the most at peace with myself (and even with my cats on a long winter's night) where I am truly content and think "it would be nice to share this "moment" with another person someday. I now realize that's what my parents have hoped for me all along; that is, to be established in my career, exercise my independence, travel, and be happy.

Being happy with myself, with my job, and with life, in general are things that are all very important to me. And, I love doing acts of kindness for people that I may or may not know.

Recently, I've come to the understanding that my parents want for me what they have had together for all of these years: to be happy with myself in life, and, on the other hand, to experience that happiness with another person.

And, it will come in time. "Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of Heavenly lights." God is just prepping my heart, kind of like the same way that I prep a lesson plan.

-cheers.

You Always Remember Your First Love

First loves.

It's a thought that has crossed my mind more than once recently. Intersections, forks in the road, gravel dirt roads, all leading to that "first" love.

One of my favorite things to do when I find myself in the presence of a seasoned couple, a pair of newlyweds, a "just friends" (c'mon, we've all heard or been a part of that story before!), is to ask the question, "How did you first meet?" I'm fascinated by their "stories," of how couples meet through a mutual friend, at a party, on a dating site, in a coffee shop, in their professions, or even, as high school sweethearts. For me, I enjoy being a part of "their" audience, for however long or short that conversational story may be, as they reel their members in with a simple, quaint, rocky, or challenging dialogue of how their love came to be. The gleam in their eyes says it all. It's amazing to see how much they recollect from their first times of an initial meeting. Our brains have ways of remembering those finite details that may seem insignificant to the listener, but oh, so important to the couple at hand. From the striking red dress she wore, to the dapper looking robin egg blue eyed guy, to the way he looked at her, as though looking through her as she passed by, to the way he opened the car door for her (proof that chivalry is not dead). Perhaps, chivalry just resurrecting in a modern way for our 21st century.

I think it's safe to say that we tend to think of "first loves" in the romantic form. And, there is some justification in that line of thought. For many, we learn about love from our parents, relatives, siblings, coworkers, an experience we had when we were little, or a combination of all. Gosh, there are many instances in which I can recall examples of what love "is" and what love "is not."

Yet, my experience of "first loves" is probably not like everybody else's. First loves can be, and should be, for that matter, so much more than the "romantic" aspect. First loves, in my opinion, extend far to the crevices of the mountain, beckoning the artist within all of us to come forth and create a beautiful masterpiece of life. Years later, we shall look back, and reflect (though the "act" of reflecting may be something that we do everyday. As a teacher, I can relate to that. I'm constantly reflecting!) First loves reach to the corners of our hearts, in which we can only know beyond good measure that they are there. They expose our deepest desires and inner passions that God has put within us to share with the world.

As a young woman in her late twenties, I've come to this realization more and more each and every day. A student teacher recently asked me the question "Did I always know that I wanted to be a teacher?" And, as I sat in that chair in my classroom, I saw that same gleam in this student teachers eyes that I see in my friends eyes when I ask them about how they met their future spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. I soon harbored that twinkle in my own eyes, too - explaining my love for dance - that this part of me is still alive, though I do not dance anymore. I recalled those 13 years of dance fondly and look forward to a way to tie it in with my teaching sometime in the future.

Through writing, I feel connected to something greater than myself. As cliché as that may sound, I believe that my grandfather is present with me when I write; though I unfortunately do not have the luxury to get to do it often. Through poetry, grading college papers, planning for elementary school, and working on ways to help the teachers that I coach, I see my grandfather in every aspect of it. I must admit, on some days, the work becomes grueling, but I always remember the phrase he said: "Don't worry about the time on the clock. Just get your work done and then you can take off your socks." Yet still, another phrase, one of my favorites, "If it starts to become like a 'job' to you, get out." For him, teaching was always equated with "mission work," rather than a profession, a job, or a 9-3 work week.

Whether preparing a lesson or writing a poem (there is something so powerful about putting a pencil or a pen to paper!), the act of creating and developing my series of "first loves" brings me great joy. To be honest, I need to do a better job of creating more pockets of time within my workweek to hone in on these "first loves." For example, when I dabble in the painting world, I feel connected to my grandfather, too. I've never taken any painting classes, but have tried to practice when I can. Sometimes, I go months at a time without picking up a paintbrush. I am reminded of my grandfather, who was an artist (though he was a serviceman, a teacher, and Principal, among other things, too.) And I hear his words, "keep practicing." When it's something that we want and that we are passionate about, we will work at it.

Sunday afternoons in my kitchen are phenomenal. No kidding! Though it signals the start of another work week and setting my alarm to 5:00am once again, I do enjoy my times in the kitchen. You see, I learned to cook from my dad, when I watched him on my tippy toes in the kitchen as a little girl. Cooking, like baking, relaxes me. As I prep my meals for the week, I get so excited when I see the color and arrangements of food in my head, that I immediately have to put them on the plates. It's so refreshingly satisfying, like a glass of iced cold water when you finish from a long run or a workout. You step back, and look at what you have created with your hands. Our hands are powerful tools in this world, ya know :)

My friends, writing, painting, cooking, and more- those are my first loves. Having a good book in my hands with a cup of tea reminds me of my mom and the love of reading that she instilled in me as a young girl. I loved our trips to the library. Sometimes, I wish I could relive those simpler, innocent days again. I long for those times where I can walk into a bookstore, pick up an opened book off the shelf, be the first to crack it open, and smell its pages. It's like Christmas every day!

So, you see, first loves don't have to be the "romantic" kind. Yet, I would be amiss without sharing just 1 story about a "first love." Lets make that a "few stories," as it began when I was in daycare.

There was this boy that attended the daycare that I was in (well several boys, if you must know :) that I was absolutely smitten with. My first kiss was when he backed me up against the metal fence and planted one on me right on the lips.

We all had our share of elementary and middle school "crushes," and hormones getting in the way of our studies. Remember those days? I live for the days when we can write handwritten notes to each other again. There were those "occasions" where I perfected passing notes back and forth between rows and feet dangling under desks.

High school brought its own share of transitions. As I explained to the student teacher about my first love for dance, I realized that a part of it tied in with a guy. As all good love stories go, yes, I had a high school crush, well a few- but they all fizzled away rather quickly. Like I always say "lots of boys, but no men."

Yet, throughout my primary, secondary and college years (both undergraduate and graduate), I had guys that I liked, but my focus was always on my schoolwork. My parents instilled that mantra into me from a very early age and I guess, I just didn't have time for "boys," really, because I was always busy writing a paper, being chauffeured to basketball, 4 hours of dance on a Saturday, French horn and piano lessons, horse back riding, skating, and summer camps. These activities kept me "busy" in a good way, "out of trouble," as you say, and saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartache growing up. Even now, as an adult, I had a few "first loves" that I fell for incredibly hard, but learned after several years to "let it go" as the flowers fade with the passing of each season. Ever experience those times where both of you are too shy to name the elephant in the room but quite content to be "just friends?" Yet, when you get together, you "feel" that "electricity" between the two of you?

Only when we truly allow ourselves to "let go" of past experiences, expectations, views, and thoughts, can we open the door for new experiences, expectations, views, and thoughts to permeate our homes, our hearts, and our minds. And, as a single lady right now, approaching her almost 28th year, that is precisely what I am seeking to do. Though I've never "officially" had a guy to call my own (and honestly, men and women aren't objects, but that's another story for a different day), I've experienced that feeling of "love." Though in all respects, love is not a feeling. It's a "doing." Love is an action. And, the sooner that we realize that the love between two people is an "action" can we experience love in its entirety the way that it was supposed to be. As I sit here, waiting, I am reminded of everything in its right place and time. "As the flowers bloom and fade, so the word of God stands firm forever."

So in a world of "first loves," and "love stories" and countless movies making box office millions, lets remember the first loves that some of us have that include our passions. Romance will come in time, as it is not something that you can plan for. Though you can increase the likelihood of meeting someone, I'd rather wait and see my own love story unfold, as long as that may take. For now, I'm dabbling in my own "first loves."

Now, where did I put my paintbrush?

cheers!
alex

Raspberry Tea, Falling in Love, Rest, and Rain.

As I sit typing this long-awaited post, I am sipping on Bigelow's Red Raspberry Royale hot tea from my favorite worn and yellow mug. Outside, it is raining, as splatters of raindrops dizzily graze the window in a fashion all too familiar and comfortable. It is on rainy days such as these, that I am thankful, for the fact that, sleeping is always easier for me. Don't ask me why, but I always find it easier to sleep in the rain.

And, as odd as this sounds, I always find it easier to write when it's raining. (Isn't that right?! - haha) Oftentimes when I sit down to write, I have no idea what to write, while sometimes, I seek to explore a certain avenue of life, an idea, or a specific topic that has been on my heart and mind.

Today, I am writing because I am feeling better. For the past 4 days, I have been recovering from a double ear infection and laryngitis. (It's kinda hard to talk when you have no voice, friends!) Anyway, I've been taking comfort in drinking lots of hot tea with honey (something that my Italian neighbors introduced to me), eating lots of whole fruit, and rest. Which, my friends, is the premise of this post; that is, rest.

It's easy for me to give advice to friends on the importance of rest, but to follow the advice myself? Ah, now that's a totally different story.

As a woman who is used to constantly "being busy," running around doing errands, helping other people, being involved within my community and in my school, it's hard for me to rest. But, when I look back on my life and reflect on where exactly that mindset of "busy" and "involvement" came from, I would have to say that it cascaded through the genes of my grandfather and landed in my veins. He was the same way as me. He was a former teacher, Principal, Merchant Marines, and Navy man, and, among other duties, a father. But, he always kept busy. The similar factor that rang true in his life and in mine today, is that of constantly going and moving, quite similar to the "Energizer Bunny" commercial, in fact.

Honestly, it's quite hard for me to "slow down." Even when I try, my mind is still going. One of the common denominators amongst the teachers I have company with is that it's very hard to "shut your brain off" at the end of the school day. Teachers tend to bring "everything" home with them, whether metaphorically or literally. And, I think that is one of the main reasons why I get sick; I continue to run around without being able to "turn off" the tv that is my brain and I am not able to fully rest.

Truthfully, I miss the days where my parents and I went on vacation with limited or no cell phone service, or our "mystery Sunday rides" in neighborhoods unfamiliar to us. Those carefree childhood days where just wonderful. It's hard to grow up and realize that those were the moments that you miss the most.

I've been learning, (albeit slowly) that in order to grow as a person, as a teacher, and as a woman, I need to slow down and learn to "shut my brain off." When I want to move, I just need to "fight the good fight" as Jesus says in the Bible and purposefully stop and do something that helps me to relax. These past 4 days have been a testament to naps, rest, and "puttering around my house." It's hard for a lady to "stop moving" when she's always used to "moving" that when I do "pause" it feels like I should "be doing something."

This trait is no more profound, I've realized recently, than on social media. Many of my friends that I used to hang out with are now in relationships, engaged, or married. (I know that I may be on the verge of being redundant, as this same piece was explained in a previous post, it does bear revisiting again.) When this happens and I find myself comparing one piece of my life (a spouse) to my entire life through the lens of another person, I get discouraged, until I remind myself of all of the things that I have accomplished thus far with God. If it wasn't for him, I honestly don't know where I would be today, as cliché as that sounds. Actually, I take that back. I do know where I would be today - still a quiet and shy girl, not speaking unless she's spoken to and content on offering her opinion only when asked. When I reflect on how far I've come and how far I've grown as a woman, now that is worth celebrating. However, I don't express this feat as something to "brag" about or something in which to draw attention to myself and say "look at me." Not at all. I express this with the utmost humility, knowing that it was by no work of my own but of Him who created and sent me to do his good works.

And to be frank, I know that someday, I will be married, have a family with kids, and a husband who supports me and I, him. Yet, I still hope and plan to hold onto those sweet memories I have with my parents, for those are so worth cherishing. I am a firm believer in knowing that desires are placed on our hearts (regardless of our beliefs) for a reason. And sometimes, those hopes and dreams aren't answered right away, or answered in a different order, for that matter. We need to embrace them as they come, and to know and understand that just because I may not be meeting "societal milestones" as society dictates in our 21st century, does not mean that I am "less than" someone who is "married." It also does not mean that people need to complete certain "milestones" in a particular order.

For some reason, unknown to me, my career ended up flourishing first. That's wonderful news! From my experiences interacting with young people and those who are wiser and older than me, careers tend to take off after we have "settled down." I am so thankful that I have a career in teaching not just students, but teachers at a college, too. I am truly thankful for all of the opportunities that have come my way as a young twenty-something woman.

And, I look forward at all that is to come, as well. I look forward to the day where I meet my future husband and the journey that will come along with that. It will be rocky and smooth, I'm sure, but those experiences and opportunities will help us to grow stronger as a couple, together. And, though the famed Hallmark movies encourage me to "think about love" in a certain way, I am open to falling in love in different ways than the norm. It took me a while to come to that realization, but for now, I am content with that.

As for the rainy day, I grasp my cup of Red Raspberry Royale Tea from my worn and yellow mug, close my eyes, and drift off to sleep with the light pitter-patter of the rain in the background.

Cheers, my friends.

Lots of Boys But No Men

Ever have those moments where you drive with the windows and the top of your car down because the weather is just "that good?" Monday - you were one of those days. And tonight, was just a tease of autumn in the midst of summer. So breezy and cool, I ate my supper on the front stoop of my house. I'm looking forward to more afternoons and nights like this.

But as with moments, "all good things must come to and end" as the saying goes (or at the very least, put on pause for a while.) And so, I ventured back inside my house to write this blog post at my wooden dining room table. I'm looking outside my window, watching the sunset, chamomile tea on the left of me, eating gluten free/dairy free chocolate and cranberry fudge. Yum. My fingers are typing away furiously on the computer, the keyboard making clicking sounds like an old-fashioned typewriter, purple Opi nails bouncing up and down, like balloons in the air - dancing to their tune of Click Clack Moo, Cows That Type.

While I sat outside with my supper tonight, one of my neighbors came over to talk with me. He shared the story of how he and his wife first met. To this day, I love asking people "their story" because, in reality, every couple has "their story." Whether it seems big or small in our eyes, that "moment" and/or "series of moments" are significant to the story that a particular couple shares together. And that my friends, is beautiful.

Anyway, as I sat listening to the story, I realized something. Meeting someone back then seemed "easier" in a sense. Maybe not "easy" in the way beating eggs with a fork for breakfast might be, but "easy" in that, everyone seemed to know each other. The gal really knew the guy because the families interacted with each other regularly. From my experience, nowadays, we have all different avenues to go about meeting potential people/significant interests, with word of mouth, blind dates, online dating, swiping left or right, initiating conversation when out with a group of friends, etc. There seems to be more platforms with which to meet someone. However, I can't help but feeling that, for some people out there, maybe even you who stumbled upon this post by happenchance :), you may feel lonelier or even further away from meeting someone due to all of these technological advances. And, you may be reading this on the other side of the lens - feeling extremely connected to the world via social media, technology, your friends, etc. Either way you feel, I think it suffices to say that our "dating world" today is vastly different than my neighbors was back then. Let me give you an example.

From my own personal experiences, I've come to realize that when I find myself "falling for a guy" (for lack of a better phrase), I immediately put up walls around myself to convince myself that what I'm "feeling" is nothing more and nothing less and to suppress those feelings by not thinking about them nor looking towards the future with that particular guy anymore. This is pattern of mine that I've come to liken to a horse in a race track with blinders. Those blinders represent the walls that I put up in an effort to protect myself, to shield myself from potential hurt and distrust, and my whole uncertainty with the "dating" field. This is a piece of me that has taken a long time to acknowledge and to even put a "name" on, but, nonetheless, as soon as I did that, I was able to work on removing those blinders to see the rest of the racetrack and the other horses racing beside me, too.

This is not to say that I have lowered my standards at all. In fact, because of this realization, my standards have improved and changed. Now, when I meet guy friends who I may have potential interest in, I ask myself a series of questions, in no particular order- "do I see myself with this guy long term? Is this a "boy" (in terms of maturity) or a "man?" (because there is a significant difference for both); Will this man challenge me to pursue life without a roadmap every one in a while? Can this man be trusted? How does this man deal with conflict? What does this man do when he's not hanging out with his friends? Does this man have proof in his life of establishing a significant commitment? How does this man treat other women? Does this man act a certain way around me and completely different around his closest friends? How is this man with kids? (a big question for me because I am a teacher) Does he interact well with kids? Do they look up to him as they would a father?

Those are just some of the questions that I begin to ask myself throughout the course of getting to know a guy. And to be honest, sometimes, our initial "first impressions" are incorrect and we need to give the guy a second chance. Sometimes, it's not him, it's us. And sometimes, we need to be truthful when we've fallen short.

I often get asked a lot, by friends, by neighbors, by people I've met, some similar and familiar phrasing of this group of words: "So, is there anyone special in your life?" And, I'm always tempted to respond with "yes, great friends!" or "wonderful family!" or, (my personal favorite) "lots of boys but no men." And sometimes, I respond to that well-meaning, abstract question with an honest "No, not yet." I can't tell you why that part of my life hasn't flowered yet, but what I can share is that I'm being pruned like a tree and trained like a Seabiscuit-kind-of-horse, to lower my blinders and to allow kind hearted men in. And, I know that as soon as those blinders are fully lowered, then, and only then, can I depart from the racetrack to open myself up and say, "I'm ready."

-cheers.

Comparison is the Enemy of Success

Honest moment here. Every time that I jet off to type a blog post, I always need to have another tab open to FB. It's just something that I do. Call it FOMO (fear of missing out) or an inability to be disconnected from the outer world for just a little bit. Yet, so often, I find myself checking social media accounts multiple times a day - that I wonder, where could that energy be expended instead? How could I be using those "minutes" over the airwaves of the earth, better?

It saddens me to say, that there are days where I often (no, frequently) find myself comparing my life to that of others. (see my blog post from yesterday, because at times, I view myself as Phelp's opponent, looking at him in the pool instead of focusing on myself.) And, I firmly believe that the act of "focusing on your life" (in a humble way of course), is a daily struggle that we all encounter.

When I step back from the camera lens and allow myself permission to "zoom out," I observe that there could be a variety of reasons why I let myself fall victim to one of three "comparison roadblocks," as I'll call them. For the purposes of this post, here they are:

1) The comparison of social media's latest fancies,

2) the comparison of people within my age bracket, and

3) the comparison of people who are married vs. those who are single (like me).

Some days, I trip harder than others, and both the bruises and the scrapes that remain are quite bloodied and purple. Yet, those hurts are evidence that I am growing and that I am trying to combat this "disease" of comparison that the whole wide world has on all of us, regardless of age - but, I feel, primarily with young people and those who are in their 20's and 30's. Some days, I feel good about myself, other days, I see what others are broadcasting across a variety of social media facets and feel small in my feats, compared to them. I'm not out hiking mountains or serving kids in third world countries. But, from sunrise to sunset, I am reminded of how loved I am in a world that constantly and incessantly, craves and wants more. And for young people, this false ideology can be extremely detrimental. Honestly, social media is a platform of a masquerade of sorts; in that, people post what makes them feel good and what they think other people want to hear. Imagine, instead, if we all took the time to think about what we posted and the ramifications of it before we actually clicked the word "post?"

As a teacher, I see our young kids firsthand, with cell phones, constantly checking their social media accounts for the next "like" or "view." Imagine, how much different our world would be if we taught them to use the social media platform as a way to share ideas in a thoughtful manner and as a way to bring their life changing views to the forefront? There are days, where I feel like "my kids," afraid of missing out on something important, where I could have used those precious few minutes of time writing a note, enjoying my home, or taking a breath of fresh air. I know it sounds so simple, but if we decided to do that every time we reached for our phone or sat down at our computer/devices/MacBook/iPad, etc. (you get the idea), imagine how different our world would be? I'd like to think that we would have more people talking to each other rather than staring at their phones, contemplating not on how to obtain the most "likes" for instant gratification and satisfaction but how to establish and maintain a lifelong road of adventure and "off-roading."

As a middle-aged twenty something woman, I do admit, that a second way in which I compare myself to that of the outside world is by seeking what others are doing in my age bracket and deciding if I'm living up to them. In essence, I'm putting "those people" on a pedestal, without even meaning to at all. This is yet another pitfall for me due to the fact that I'm already assuming that because I'm not doing what "they're" (insert whoever "they're is for you) doing, then I cannot be successful. Which is another mistruth.

When I again step back and analyze the camera lens, I am proud of all that I've accomplished at my age so far in my life. I am reminded that I have a full-time job teaching that I absolutely love, another job teaching at a college this fall, a home that I adore, and family and friends that are supportive of me in my endeavors. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my journey would take me to where I am today. And, as cliché as that sounds, it's true. I'm very happy that I've grown up and taught to be an independent woman, who is free to speak her own mind, who graduated from a shy and quiet girl, and transformed across the stage into a luxurious butterfly. Whenever I feel that negative thoughts have overtaken me, I always, always remind myself of how far I've come, what I've accomplished, and the future that lies ahead. And, when I do, I am again reminded that it's all because of Him. And for that truth, I am thankful.

Because of God, I know that I am single for now. Whenever I feel myself comparing my "singleness" to that of young married folks, I immediately remind myself of the things that I am privileged to do as a single person. Like stay at home in my pjs on a Saturday. Take myself out to dinner. Read in the backyard. Go for a drive to the country store. Social media makes it easy for single people to think that something must be "amiss" in their lives because they are not "with someone" or "getting married" or "engaged" or "not even close to him 'popping' the question." That's simply not true! We are loved and cherished and blessed regardless of our current "romantic" state, for lack of a better word. Granted, my heart knows what it knows and I look forward to being married someday, to meeting a guy who will "sweep me off my feet" in his own unique wayl someone that I can have a good laugh with, one who will go for a run with me, a man that enjoys the ocean, one that likes to travel, and a guy that will push me to be the best I can be. That, I know will come in time. But for now, I am content as a single woman. Accepting this truth has taken many years, but I can honestly say that I've learned and gained so much as a single woman.

That's all to say that you are loved exactly where you are. Another cliché, I know. Haha! But, it's true! You are. Stop comparing yourself to another person and trying to see if you measure up. "Because with the measure that you use, it will also be used to you." Our measuring cups are all filled with different amounts, so if we compare 1/2 cup of cinnamon to someone with 1 cup of sugar, then we are not comparing the same amounts, nor the same ingredients. Please know that your mistakes are not your future. You are loved because of your identity, because of who you are. You are loved because of your passions not in spite of them. You are loved because you are deeply cared for, you are a child of, in my view, God. He is so happy and pleased when you call "Father," that He eagerly takes you into His arms to hold and cradle you as you were when you were a young child.

Okay, end of rant. But, for those of you who need encouragement in a world that seems to compare every little thing against everything else, you are loved just as you are. Rest easy with that truth.

--cheers.

Phelp's, Pretzels, and Cameras

(I haven't had the urge to creatively write in a long time. The last time I wrote "creatively" was when I was at a Summer Teacher's Conference at Phillips Exeter Academy (PEA) (the last summer that my grandfather was alive). But, when I do allow myself space to write in this way, this juice is what spills out.

As I type this post, I am sitting outside on my stairs, waiting for the rain to come. I hear the thunder (or rather, heard the thunder), about an hour ago - so loud, that it rumbled inside the church. Now, all that remains is a clear blue sky, with ominous looking clouds, hanging high above, like a bird in a carefully crafted nest, a dark curtain, waiting for the opening act of the night.

Haha - all kidding aside, there is no trace of rain in the sky. Instead a blue, robin's egg coat remains, with gorgeous light: The Golden Hour.

My black iced coffee soothes my throat, a welcomed treat in this stretch of oppressive summer weather we've been having. I feel as though I've sweat so much within the past three days; I'm a dry fish - drinking bottles of water in an effort to salvage the parchedness I've felt.

And yet, my hand dips into the paper flowered cup to grab some Snyder's Gluten-free pretzels. My insides crave the cold, familiar embrace of coffee and yet they want the salted the pretzels, all at the same time. Ever feel that way? Where you want two things, that you love, simultaneously, and you can't find a "happy medium" with either?

Sometimes, life is like that.

So, enter - the banana. Haha- no really! On warm summer days, the banana is the "third party mediator," the unbiased judge, who looks at all of the evidence presented by both the prosecutor and the defender in the family court. Then, he migrates into his chambers, for an undetermined amount of time. You wonder what he/she is thinking. And then, he emerges, with a decision in his head; hopefully, aligning with his heart. Or, is it a decision in his heart, aligning with how he/she feels in his head? Either way, a decision has been made, for both the pretzel and the iced coffee, and the banana has the floor, for better or for worse.

Sometimes, life is like that.

Especially when you want both the pretzel and the iced coffee, but know that the banana is the better "choice" out of the three. Sometimes, you have to make decisions. Sometimes, you may not see the effects of your decisions right away. Sometimes, you have to wait a while to see the results. Sometimes, they happen right away, and, like the clichéd version of the "domino affect," sometimes, there is nothing to reverse your decision(s).

Anyway, as I tutored a young girl this past week on her summer reading project - I painted this analogy for her. I was trying to describe something to her, but alas, that something escapes me now. Time has a way of doing that to us, doesn't it? It revs us up in the car to go 60+ mph and yet, its hard to stop when it beckons us to slow down, to ease up on the gas.

I shared with this girl, that I love to take pictures. One of my hobbies is photography, and I always dream of someday, saving up enough money to buy one of those really expensive cameras (you know the ones I'm talking about :) ) Cameras, and photographs, for that matter, tend to do a great job about capturing the "moments." Sometimes, I shared, I get so caught up in capturing that one, tiny "moment," that I forget to zoom out and see the bigger picture. Instead of focusing on that moment for what it is and really, truly enjoying it, I often reach for my phone and try to snap a picture. There are times where it's wonderful, but if I'm constantly focusing the camera on such a tiny detail, a smidgen of life (granted, those are the details and moments that we tend to remember the most), then I fail to enjoy the moment for the beauty that it was created to be.

After I related it back to her summer reading project, she seemed to understand the idea. Sometimes, focusing on the moments in our "camera frame" (whatever your camera frame is for you), causes us to lose sight of the bigger picture and the other "moments" that may not fit into our "frames" because we're too busy looking at "our" own world. There is a bigger world our there, ya know.

Since the Rio 2016 Olympics have been on TV, I've been watching a lot of them every night. I enjoy the fast moving sports of swimming, running, water polo, gymnastics, cycling, and the like. As a young girl who used to play basketball from fifth grade up through high school, on the travel teams, summer leagues, and for my high school, I like the sports that require endurance (though all of them do). I loved the feeling of the basketball in my hand, my palms calloused with thump of the ball, my mind racing with the drills, my heart hoping to make that winning basket. For me, I thrive when I run, or when I played basketball and could go in between the players because I was really short (still am!)

Anyway, one of the best examples, in my opinion, of a single camera focus, is when Michael Phelps won one of the swimming matches against another opponent. There is a picture circulating around the web, that shows him focused with a gaze, straight ahead, on swimming, on reaching the end, and his opponent, turning to look at him. (Google the image, if you haven't already seen it. It's truly powerful, and can be related to so many other things, too.) Phelp's had one, primary focus/goal; his opponent busied himself with looking into the other lane instead of watching his own.

I feel that I am like Phelp's opponent at times, looking "into the other lane," worrying about and concerning myself with other people instead of "keeping my head in the game" (que the High School Musical Song), that it throws off my concentration. As I get older, I have been having moments where I realize that this is happening. I acknowledge them and note that they are there alongside me. Then, (I know it may sound funny), I pray. I say a little prayer and honestly try to find something else to occupy my time. Because truthfully, in two, or three, or even five years, that won't matter in the big scheme (picture) of things. Right now, I am focused on the one small snapshot, instead of "zooming out." Right now, that particular interaction matters. Right now, acknowledging that it does matter and then working to move on, is a slow start, but I do find it helping me.

And, I believe for all people, the "moving on" part takes time. It does not happen overnight or in 45.06 seconds on a swim clock. For some people, this part involves not a prayer, but in a walk outside. For others, it may involve dance. For some, it may involve meditation. Still for some, it involves picking up a paintbrush and painting. The important bond that ties us all together is that of acknowledging the specific camera focus and actively doing something about it.

But, let me let you in on a little secret. The acknowledging and the actively doing something part, is a daily thing. It happens everyday, in a variety of facets in our lives. From experience, once I've thought that I was "done" with something, I was humbly reminded that "no, I still have work to do."

Because, honestly, we're all "a work in progress." And, to be even more completely honest, this is a daily task. And, to strip down to the bare bones, you may ask, "well, how does your post apply to finding a guy someday?" Well, I'm glad you asked!

First of all, I'm not setting out to "find" anyone. Neither, (I hope) does he have an "ad" trying to "locate" me. Once we release ourselves from the so-called "finding true love" that society and my favorite Saturday night movie channel (Hallmark) has grasped on us, then, and only then, do we allow ourselves to be open to exploring the people and the circumstances around us, allowing them to change, grow, and shape us. Secondly, I want a guy who is "a work in progress." I want a man who is acknowledging that he still has work to be done and is eager to change to grow for the better. However, I do seek a man who does know what he wants, who is actively seeking to be a better person, and who is not afraid to let anything stand in his way.

And - to get even more honest with you, I think that's all we hope for in life. To meet and interact with people who know what they want, who are sure of themselves, and who work to advance themselves with the gifts that they've been given for the betterment of this world.

-cheers!

To Hallmark Movies, morning walks, and that guy with the striking blue eyes

Friends, I realized something recently. Well, make that "lots" of somethings.

No, really! I've come to understand (because of maturity, probably) that time passes us so quickly and if we're not careful, we can become so immune to it that we build up a resistance to, so that it neglects to permeate our souls. In other words, if we don't allow the world, more specifically, those "special" things that give us drive, fuel our passion, and cause us to come alive, then, in essence, we are not feeding our inner beings and merely letting our world "cruise by." All that to say, we need to make room for the wind to blow between our toes. Seriously! Have you ever just paused on a summer afternoon, all that you're doing, removed your footwear, and really felt the wind blow through your toes? It's magical. You can't see the wind but it's there. This simple analogy reminds me of the effects that God has on my life. In some situations, I don't recognize or acknowledge that value, being His presence in my life for a variety of reasons. But, when I do, and I remove my sneakers, sandals or pumps and feel this wind whisking away between my size 6 feet, I am reminded that He has been present with me all along.

Anyway, all that to say - I watched a Hallmark Movie yesterday with my cats (haha!) and I stumbled upon something. Well, besides the fact that all Hallmark movies end with the same "happily every after," and in real life those relationships/marriages are actually very hard work. This guy and gal work together on trying to make the most "perfect" wedding for their mutual friends and end up falling in love themselves. Throughout the movie, I discovered that I really resonated with the female character. She never allowed herself to let her "guard down" and experience "love" because it came with the potential of "too much hurt and pain" and that just wasn't worth risking. I learned that like this character, I too, experience the discomfort of not letting my guard down because I am uncertain of what "may" or "may not happen."

I've shared this analogy before. Sometimes, I feel like I am a racing horse with blinders on either side of my eyes, racing forward through life, without looking on who is to the left or to the right of me in the arena. I've recently come to terms with this illusion that if I continue at this speed, I will miss all of the chances "to love" with potential relationships, regardless if they travel anywhere far. I'm working on this characteristic as we speak and I know that I will be mudding through it over the duration of my life.

Second, a lot can be said about morning walks. The hardest thing for me to do sometimes, is getting up early to go for a walk. It's establishing the routine that's challenging for me, but, once it's there, I can accomplish it with ease. On morning walks, I do my best thinking. Life is just waking up and I get to see all sorts of creatures that I would typically miss on an afternoon run. Engaging in morning walks helps me to slow down and wake up, to embrace the "fast paced" feeling of the day with persevering stamina. I love seeing the little rabbits, the flocks of birds migrating to their nests or overtaking that of a fellow neighboring bird, and the occasional car going up and down the hills that I climb. My best thoughts or ideas occur when I'm out walking. I love when I do conquer the difficulty of waking up early and interacting with the outdoors long before I dive into the world of social media. (Because, who really needs to check their Instagram at 6:00am?) We all have things that we're working on and waking up early sometimes and removing myself from the "picture perfect world" of social media are two of them.

Last, I find that as I give myself permission to "slow down" at the beginning of the day rather than the latter, I am able to pick up on nuances better. For example, I am able to notice the minute things in people and observe life in an intricate way. Now, I don't want you to think that all I do is go to coffee shops and read while doing the occasional "people watching." (There is SO much that we can and still have, to learn from each other! Another post on that for a future time.) I want  to convey the notion that because I've allowed myself to interact with nature early on, I am refreshed to put forth a greater amount of effort into my work during the day. I am also keenly aware of people's interactions, or lack thereof, with each other.

Yesterday, when I went to the gas station, the attendant at the full service building had these striking blue eyes. Now, I'm not saying that because I went on a morning walk that I was more attuned to his physical outward appearance. However, I hadn't really picked up on these features in people before. As a teacher, I've become astute in reading non verbal body language and this man's striking blue eyes were no laughing matter. (no pun intended :) ) They were the kind of eyes that you may see on a summer day, when the sky hugs the clouds thousands of miles above the earth, on an exotic island, above the shores of an aquamarine beach. His eyes had the ability to convey a message of kindness, genuineness, and humility. Granted, it was a mere 5 minute interaction at most, but I am hopeful that this small interaction is a foreshadowing of what is to come; in that, I hope someday, I will be able to interact with a man like this and get to know him well, even if it starts with just looking into his eyes, because, to me (and I understand it sounds cliché, "eyes are the windows to the soul.")

Speaking of "someday," you should totally read the book, Someday, Someday, Maybe by Lauren Graham (yes! The woman who plays the mom, Lauralie from the TV Series, the Gilmore Girls.) I just purchased it yesterday and can't put it down. It's been in my "hot little hands" as my mom used to say about me when I was young. I see myself in the main character and am excited to show you the website, by clicking the above link in the book title.

That's all for now.
Have a wonderful day!

~alex

The Parabola of Love

A friend and I recently met for coffee. Did you know, (at least for me, anyway) that the best conversations happen over coffee? There is something so profound about holding a beverage (cold, warm, or both) in your hands and having a conversation with someone. It's almost as if the beverage serves as a "bridge" between the conversation and what your intentions are with that person. Having a beverage in your hands makes communication easier and also gives you something to hold onto.

Anyway, my favorite daytime beverage of choice in this hot and humid weather that we've been having (we're in a heatwave, folks!) is iced coffee with honey! Today, I tried something new. For those of you who know me, you know that I am a creature of habit and once I find something that I like, it is hard to get me to even attempt to change. Well, change, I did and I am happy that I created space for this simple, minute event to occur. Haha - all that said and I tried a sangria iced tea with fresh fruit. It was really, really good! All those blackberries, orange slices, and fruit really made the tea worthwhile.

Alas, enough with these tangents. And, onto the rest of my story. By the way, as I sit here typing this post, I am drinking chamomile tea with agave nectar. Yes, it is something new that I tried during my recent week long trip to Connecticut. :)

Back to the story where my friend and I met for coffee. I enjoy having those friendships, and treasure them, really; you know the friends that you can call up and talk to the on the phone and meet, like that day or a day (or two) later? Yes, those are the friendships that I live for. And, as I grow older, I have come to the realization that I have less "close" friends and more "acquaintances" and sometimes, friends become acquaintances depending upon the seasons of your life and of theirs. (That's another story for a future blog post. Hehe.)

So, as we sat in the coffee shop and exchanged stories about our lives, we celebrated the good things that were happening and the things that we hoped would get better. As we conversed about life and dreams, our talk meandered back to a topic that we always seem to navigate towards: relationships. And, as I sat listening, I wondered: Do attachment and infatuation occur at the same time in a relationship? How long does it take for a person to let their guard down and/or open up in a relationship? What makes some relationships easier to move on from and others more difficult and challenging?

As a teacher, my mind immediately went to trying to create a visual for these types of questions. My friend and I sat drinking coffee while we "mapped" out a graph of these important, and I'd like to say, essential questions that are key to any relationship on napkins.

Here are some things that, upon reflection, I discovered:

1) Attachment and infatuation arrive at different times in a relationship. Sometimes, you may not like a person who is interested in you at the same time as they do. It may take you a little longer. We often confuse "infatuation" with "love" when, I would argue, that "infatuation" is our "puppy love" or our "idealized version" of how we envision our romantic love to be with that "said" person. It takes time to become attached to someone and to the point where you're feelings may overlap on certain issues, as you start to enjoy being in the company and in the presence of that other person. (I've attached (no pun intended) a link below to an article that was published. It is lengthy, but a good and detailed read, nonetheless.)

Attraction, Infatuation, and Love Article by the English Review

2) It takes time for a person to let their guard down AND open up to another who they find themselves interested in. It does not occur at the same time for each person and one may experience the feeling of "openness" long before the other person. Therefore, it is imperative to exercise sensitivity for both yourself and the other person involved. I've observed that sometimes, in relationships, people can expect too much too soon and crave too much too quickly when the waters are receding and the tide is going out. If you identify more as the person who enjoys "galloping," maybe it's time you slow that horse to a walk, in order to allow the other person to walk beside you, at their own pace. Studies show (google it!) that men who are attracted to women will slow down their pace in order to walk with her. Maybe, in relationships, the "gallopers" need to try doing a similar thing.

For me, I am more of a "walk-around-the-stable-and-maybe-trot" kind of lady rather than a "gallop" girl. Guys who are too quick to rush into things with me and take me to a pond to find water first often do not have the same affect on me as men who take the time to walk or trot beside me. In essence, it takes more "time" for me to let my guard down because of past experiences that have influenced and jaded my perspective on relationships and dating. I need a guy who is willing to wait and to see me for who I am (as cliché as that sounds).

3) Lastly, being in a relationship comes with a lot of emotional, physical, and mental baggage. Some relationships, (I'm sure you have friends who have experienced this or you may be experiencing it right now) take time to "get over." Even those two words "getting over" may not suffice it enough. Society can offer advice and their "peanut gallery" for us, but it is up to you to learn from it. You may still remember certain things about a person, such as the way they smelled after they showered or how they lifted that piece of falling hair from your face to behind your ear. Some of those memories will never leave because they are ingrained in you. They have become tattooed on your soul as a permanent part of you. For me, I don't necessarily "get over" someone, per say, but I learn to "move on" from my "infatuation" or "attachment" to a guy.

All that to say, not all guys are "boys." There are some good men out there. My favorite quote to use whenever I get asked if I'm "seeing anybody" is "yes. lots of boys but no men." Because, there is a difference between a man and a man who is disguised as a boy. I'd rather wait for the latter, and if that means my career is off to a rocking good start, then I'll take it. Someday, I know that my time to meet a wonderful guy will come, but until then, I have to maintain and be faithful in the friendships that I have been given. I have to sow into them and be present for the people that God has placed into my life to learn from them, be taught from them, to serve them, and to also allow myself to grow from them. My friendships with guys who value women have taught me one important thing: (and my hair stylist said it best and on numerous occasions to me) that because my standards are high (though not unreasonable), the quality of the man that I meet will be higher and, because of that, he will appreciate me for the things that I have done in my early life and for who I am and appropriately, see that as a challenge and work to stay with me. He will also be the type of man that will seek to help me grow and teach me the times where it's okay to let my guard down. In that case, love can be likened to a parabola. Sometimes, you're up, sometimes, you're down, but in between, you share the same origin - that you have feelings for each other.

And, since that type of relationship is worth waiting for to me, then wait I shall. Because, I'm expectantly hopeful that he is waiting, too.

-cheers!