#10 - humility

Again and again I am reminded that I cannot (nor should I try), to do it all on my own.

This is quite a challenging statement for some to grasp. The belief that, as a human, I do not have the ability to control the things around me regardless of how hard I try, is hard to follow through at times. We have all experienced this belief that we've "got it all together." But the reality is, we don't. We are broken human beings in need of love, support, and people. We are called to recall the one who does have it all together: Jesus. The simple act of calling on his name may be the very thing that brings you to your knees.

Today, I was humbly reminded that I am young, I am learning, and I need to be flexible with the circumstances that I find myself in at any given time. I find myself at a point in my life where I am (again) learning how to be "content" without having a road map. A friend once put it like this: "I need to trust that the pilot of a plane knows how to fly the plane better than I do. Will I trust the pilot or my own devices?" In a similar way, I need to trust in Jesus - to get me through life's challenging obstacles, to rejoice at the tops of mountain peaks, and to weep alongside the feet of those who are experiencing deep sorrow.

In some ways, humility can be likened to that of a group task. Humility takes support and a lowering of oneself - a wiping away of all standards that you have set in an effort to see things from a completely different perspective. The support of a trusted community AND the encouragement of that particular group of people is so important and vital to your growth as a person. I would argue, in fact, that humility needs both a lessening of oneself and encouragement (or reminders of who you are - identity) in order to fully blossom. Your trusted community of family, friends, coworkers, spouse - they all need to remind you of your place in the world, they need to encourage you, and they need to remind you of your identity. For followers of Jesus, it is reminding yourself through scripture, accountability, people, etc. that you are, indeed, a daughter or a son of God, the Creator of the world. Regardless of your spiritual journey, I would humbly suggest to you that we are all in need of some restructuring of our positions in society every now and then, as well as the continual support and encouragement from family.

Peace.

# 9 - comfort vs. vulnerability

I like to be comfortable.

Correction. Maybe "love" is a better word.

I love to be comfortable.

Then again, life isn't always about being comfortable.

There are parts of our lives where we are called to be comfortable, to live in and with people, places, things and times that are familiar to us. However, there are those people, places, things, and times as equally as important, and even more so, I would argue, that cause us to step out of the comfort and into the vulnerability.

Comfort connotes that one desires to be in a place that one is familiar with. Comfort suggests that I make the choice to be involved with these people, places, things, and ideas. Vulnerability connotes that I desire (either by my own choice or not) to step out of the familiar and into a time and a space that is not my own. It is unfamiliar in the fact that I may be uncomfortable with the uncertainty and unknown parts of this person, place, or thing. On the other hand, vulnerability forces me to try something new: that is, to get to know a new person, new place, or a new thing. When every part of me resists the vulnerability or the uncomfortableness of this change (and believe me, it has), I fight. Hard. So much so, that I sometimes fall flat on my face in the circle of life, all because I am becoming introduced to something new.

Now, there are some differences between comfort and vulnerability. I would first argue that comfort can be broken down into two parts:

1) Comfort that is healthy
2) Comfort that is unhealthy.

In much the same way, vulnerability can be broken down into two parts:

1) Vulnerability that is healthy.
2) Vulnerability that is unhealthy.

If you are confused, let me being by explaining my thinking and logic on these two very different, yet very important, concepts.

First, let's tackle comfort that is healthy. Right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop. I am comfortable sitting in this coffee shop. I have my coffee, my blueberries and carrot sticks, my computer, my phone, and my books. One could say that I am comfortable. (Keep in mind, however, that my possessions should, in no way, define who I am. But, more on that in a future post.)

In dealing with comfort that is unhealthy - Let's take this same coffee shop. I have all of my possessions like books and coffee, with me. I would be considered (at least in my own thinking), to be experiencing "unhealthy comfort" if I was in this scenario all of the time. For example, I would be demonstrating that I am experiencing unhealthy comfort because I have refused to try and move to another location, like type at the mall, or in a park, or on a mountaintop.

In terms of vulnerability, a person can experience one of two types as explained above: vulnerability that is healthy and vulnerability that is unhealthy. Take, for example, a first date. A guy and a girl start off their relationship as friends and then they gradually discover that they have romantic feelings for each other. They decide that the next logical step is to go out on a date. This type of situation may be considered for some, healthy vulnerability. A typical guy asks a typical girl out. This act requires the guy to step out of the comfort of "just friends" and into a more deeper and defined relationship. In essence, the guy is putting himself out there for the girl to either reject or accept his invitation. I call this situation, "healthy vulnerability."

On the flip side, there is also, "unhealthy vulnerability." Let's take this scenario of this typical guy and this typical girl once more. Say this typical girl accepted the invitation of this first date. During the date, this typical girl tempts this typical guy by using flirtatious techniques that are very difficult for this guy to resist. This interaction makes the typical guy feel uncomfortable, and thus, the date itself feels incredibly awkward. This is an example of "unhealthy vulnerability." The girl put herself out there for the guy way too much at a time when their relationship was just beginning.

In life, I think we can all agree that we have experienced instances of healthy and unhealthy comfort and healthy and unhealthy vulnerability. It is important to reflect and learn from these situations, whether we are currently experiencing them now or whether they happened in the past. Equally important, is the ability to learn from and grow from these experiences. Some of us may feel comfortable sharing our situations with others in order to hold ourselves accountable and/or to help others going through the same thing(s).

This week, I encourage you to journal and talk with a trusted friend about your comforts and vulnerability experiences, in order to grow and learn from them.

# 8: new beginnings

Well, I suppose I should be on # 12 in the series "24 things you may not know about me." But, life is consuming and time, fulfilling. For now, here's number 8: new beginnings.

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I love new beginnings.
I love the unexpectedness in not knowing what's around the corner.
I love the joy and happiness - comparable, to a relationship that's first starting to bloom; with the excitement and giddiness from both parties toward the other person.
I love the dreaming and the wondering of new beginnings.
I love how the whole world seems within reach -especially when you have great friends to share it with.
I love the butterflies in your stomach (the good kind).

In a way, new beginnings remind me of first dates. In the Hallmark movie, Remember Sunday (if you haven't seen this, you totally should), the man Gus, has a brain aneurysm that impacts his short-term memory. As a result, he has to relearn EVERYTHING each day. One day, he meets this woman, and they really like each other, but she doesn't know abut his medical condition until she becomes very attached to him. You get to witness their relationship develop over the course of the movie; he approaches each day with a fresh, new perspective and his girlfriend helps to expose him to new things everyday.

The way this man experiences new things and the way that this woman shows him, (in her own special way) to embrace the uniqueness of life, reminds me of myself. I approach each day with a new mindset (as challenging as it may be) but I also have a way about me that likes to explore and to try new things. For example, when my friends and I went to Newport, they encouraged me to try an oyster and to climb a lifeguard chair. I enjoyed the thrill and the newness of these tasks. And granted, it took me some time to muster up the confidence, but in the end, I am proud of myself that I did it!

New beginnings can be scary, yes, but they are also filled with limitless and profoundly beautiful possibilities.

Here's to new beginnings.
Cheers!

# 7 - nostalgia

Nostalgia.

I feel as though today, I've been reliving parts of my childhood.

Cookouts.
Awe of seeing a mother and her ducklings swim across a sunset pond.
Old invitations from my 16th birthday party - - cosmic bowling!
Dinner at the pond.
Dance recitals at the park.

Nostalgia.

The innocence of childhood can be a beautiful thing. Just this morning, this Fourth of July felt different. And then, I figured it out: I am getting older. I was missing the excitement and joy of seeing my grandparents - and my relatives coming together when I was just a little girl, with blonde hair fashioned in a waterspout on top of my head. Now, we lead our own separate lives, but those memories are still there.

I miss watching the fireworks with my parents from our kitchen window, brilliantly glowing over our backyard. And though, our trees have grown just a little taller - I still eagerly look outside my window and see sparks of colorful fireworks dancing across the night sky.

Nostalgia.

Sleeping in the backseat on long car rides.
Watching the clouds change shape.
A reflection and stillness - that all (at least for now) is right with the world, and that I can finally relive those precious parts of my life, known as

nostalgia.

# 6 - failed expectations

The past few nights I've woken from a sound sleep. Thoughts have been knocking on the confines of my head, such as past events, present troubles, and future concerns. Fits of tossing and turning and a spinning mind, have caused me to develop a new habit: write my thoughts down at 3 am on the "notes" app of my phone and talk to God about it. Most often, these times will turn into prayers.

One such issue that I am experiencing is that of failed expectations. Just to be upfront and honest, I fail. A lot. Now, I'm not saying this for people to look at me or to have a pity party or even for people to think less of me. What I am saying is that I am human. And, as a human, I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I try not to make the same mistakes again.

In some areas of my life, I am slow at learning. During my quiet time with God this morning, I read an excerpt from Jesus Calling, where Sarah Young talks about submitting our broken dreams over to God in exchange for his dreams for our lives. This is a very hard thing to do. Submitting control and trusting, are very challenging and adult topics to wrap our minds around (at least for me). Once we come to that place where we submit our own failed expectations of ourselves over to Jesus, change happens. It may not happen as quickly as we'd like, but it does. We may be very resistant to this type of change at first or we may  even experience happiness and a longing for more. Either way, it's important to thank God for this revelation.

Within the past month or so, I have learned how to trust again. I trusted before, but it was a different kind of trust in which I placed my hopes in myself and not in Jesus, where it ultimately belonged. The results that I experienced were different and less fulfilling. When I finally decided to let myself trust and to be vulnerable again - I experienced genuine happiness. I was overjoyed that my vulnerability led to something even greater than myself. After that, I experienced hurt again, and learned how to trust once more.

I've come to learn that hurt and trust are cycles. In order to trust, one must be willing to let his or her guard down (in a healthy way), thus making themselves vulnerable to be hurt. Once we are hurt, we may retreat back into the comfort of our shells for a while, but ultimately, something draws our heads out again experience Jesus' love and longing for us.

All that I pray (hope for, really), is that the people that I've hurt, will forgive me. And for those who have hurt me, I say that, from the depths of my heart, you are forgiven.

# 5 - scents

There are some smells that I really like.

I love walking outside to experience the smell of rain just after a storm.

I love the smell of freshly cut grass.

I love the smell of notebooks and of bindings that haven't been cracked yet. I always feel inspired to write right then and there. Oh, and new pens are always a plus, too!

A little bit of cologne on a guy is nice - just as long as it's not so overpowering that he took a bath in it. It's just comforting to have a little hint of it on his shirt. Just so that you know he's there with you.

I love the smell of grilled, stewed, or pan-friend vegetables.

I love the smell of scented candles.

I love the smell of ocean water, with a tinge of sea salt (or seaweed) in the air. So, when I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I know that I am at the ocean.

Bath & Body's Warm Vanilla Sugar hand lotion smells amazing! Though for a while now, I've been buying the unscented because it's so much cheaper.

And with these loves, there also comes some, well, dislikes. (or, things that I prefer).

I dislike any piece of meat or gluten-free hamburger or hot dog bun or piece of toast that is burnt. Correction, I will not eat a piece of meat or gluten-free hamburger or hot dog bun or piece of toast if it is burnt. I will put it on a plate or throw it away and make myself a new one. all of the time.

I will not eat a piece of pork if applesauce is placed right next to it. I will, however, eat both if they are contained; that is, if the applesauce is in it's own separate dish.

I dislike when women use WAY TOO much perfume. It's actually quite hard to breathe.

I dislike the smell of pollution in the air and burning rubber from the landfill.

I dislike the smell of mugginess when it's in the air.