Ever have those moments where you drive with the windows and the top of your car down because the weather is just "that good?" Monday - you were one of those days. And tonight, was just a tease of autumn in the midst of summer. So breezy and cool, I ate my supper on the front stoop of my house. I'm looking forward to more afternoons and nights like this.
But as with moments, "all good things must come to and end" as the saying goes (or at the very least, put on pause for a while.) And so, I ventured back inside my house to write this blog post at my wooden dining room table. I'm looking outside my window, watching the sunset, chamomile tea on the left of me, eating gluten free/dairy free chocolate and cranberry fudge. Yum. My fingers are typing away furiously on the computer, the keyboard making clicking sounds like an old-fashioned typewriter, purple Opi nails bouncing up and down, like balloons in the air - dancing to their tune of Click Clack Moo, Cows That Type.
While I sat outside with my supper tonight, one of my neighbors came over to talk with me. He shared the story of how he and his wife first met. To this day, I love asking people "their story" because, in reality, every couple has "their story." Whether it seems big or small in our eyes, that "moment" and/or "series of moments" are significant to the story that a particular couple shares together. And that my friends, is beautiful.
Anyway, as I sat listening to the story, I realized something. Meeting someone back then seemed "easier" in a sense. Maybe not "easy" in the way beating eggs with a fork for breakfast might be, but "easy" in that, everyone seemed to know each other. The gal really knew the guy because the families interacted with each other regularly. From my experience, nowadays, we have all different avenues to go about meeting potential people/significant interests, with word of mouth, blind dates, online dating, swiping left or right, initiating conversation when out with a group of friends, etc. There seems to be more platforms with which to meet someone. However, I can't help but feeling that, for some people out there, maybe even you who stumbled upon this post by happenchance :), you may feel lonelier or even further away from meeting someone due to all of these technological advances. And, you may be reading this on the other side of the lens - feeling extremely connected to the world via social media, technology, your friends, etc. Either way you feel, I think it suffices to say that our "dating world" today is vastly different than my neighbors was back then. Let me give you an example.
From my own personal experiences, I've come to realize that when I find myself "falling for a guy" (for lack of a better phrase), I immediately put up walls around myself to convince myself that what I'm "feeling" is nothing more and nothing less and to suppress those feelings by not thinking about them nor looking towards the future with that particular guy anymore. This is pattern of mine that I've come to liken to a horse in a race track with blinders. Those blinders represent the walls that I put up in an effort to protect myself, to shield myself from potential hurt and distrust, and my whole uncertainty with the "dating" field. This is a piece of me that has taken a long time to acknowledge and to even put a "name" on, but, nonetheless, as soon as I did that, I was able to work on removing those blinders to see the rest of the racetrack and the other horses racing beside me, too.
This is not to say that I have lowered my standards at all. In fact, because of this realization, my standards have improved and changed. Now, when I meet guy friends who I may have potential interest in, I ask myself a series of questions, in no particular order- "do I see myself with this guy long term? Is this a "boy" (in terms of maturity) or a "man?" (because there is a significant difference for both); Will this man challenge me to pursue life without a roadmap every one in a while? Can this man be trusted? How does this man deal with conflict? What does this man do when he's not hanging out with his friends? Does this man have proof in his life of establishing a significant commitment? How does this man treat other women? Does this man act a certain way around me and completely different around his closest friends? How is this man with kids? (a big question for me because I am a teacher) Does he interact well with kids? Do they look up to him as they would a father?
Those are just some of the questions that I begin to ask myself throughout the course of getting to know a guy. And to be honest, sometimes, our initial "first impressions" are incorrect and we need to give the guy a second chance. Sometimes, it's not him, it's us. And sometimes, we need to be truthful when we've fallen short.
I often get asked a lot, by friends, by neighbors, by people I've met, some similar and familiar phrasing of this group of words: "So, is there anyone special in your life?" And, I'm always tempted to respond with "yes, great friends!" or "wonderful family!" or, (my personal favorite) "lots of boys but no men." And sometimes, I respond to that well-meaning, abstract question with an honest "No, not yet." I can't tell you why that part of my life hasn't flowered yet, but what I can share is that I'm being pruned like a tree and trained like a Seabiscuit-kind-of-horse, to lower my blinders and to allow kind hearted men in. And, I know that as soon as those blinders are fully lowered, then, and only then, can I depart from the racetrack to open myself up and say, "I'm ready."
-cheers.
