A friend and I recently met for coffee. Did you know, (at least for me, anyway) that the best conversations happen over coffee? There is something so profound about holding a beverage (cold, warm, or both) in your hands and having a conversation with someone. It's almost as if the beverage serves as a "bridge" between the conversation and what your intentions are with that person. Having a beverage in your hands makes communication easier and also gives you something to hold onto.
Anyway, my favorite daytime beverage of choice in this hot and humid weather that we've been having (we're in a heatwave, folks!) is iced coffee with honey! Today, I tried something new. For those of you who know me, you know that I am a creature of habit and once I find something that I like, it is hard to get me to even attempt to change. Well, change, I did and I am happy that I created space for this simple, minute event to occur. Haha - all that said and I tried a sangria iced tea with fresh fruit. It was really, really good! All those blackberries, orange slices, and fruit really made the tea worthwhile.
Alas, enough with these tangents. And, onto the rest of my story. By the way, as I sit here typing this post, I am drinking chamomile tea with agave nectar. Yes, it is something new that I tried during my recent week long trip to Connecticut. :)
Back to the story where my friend and I met for coffee. I enjoy having those friendships, and treasure them, really; you know the friends that you can call up and talk to the on the phone and meet, like that day or a day (or two) later? Yes, those are the friendships that I live for. And, as I grow older, I have come to the realization that I have less "close" friends and more "acquaintances" and sometimes, friends become acquaintances depending upon the seasons of your life and of theirs. (That's another story for a future blog post. Hehe.)
So, as we sat in the coffee shop and exchanged stories about our lives, we celebrated the good things that were happening and the things that we hoped would get better. As we conversed about life and dreams, our talk meandered back to a topic that we always seem to navigate towards: relationships. And, as I sat listening, I wondered: Do attachment and infatuation occur at the same time in a relationship? How long does it take for a person to let their guard down and/or open up in a relationship? What makes some relationships easier to move on from and others more difficult and challenging?
As a teacher, my mind immediately went to trying to create a visual for these types of questions. My friend and I sat drinking coffee while we "mapped" out a graph of these important, and I'd like to say, essential questions that are key to any relationship on napkins.
Here are some things that, upon reflection, I discovered:
1) Attachment and infatuation arrive at different times in a relationship. Sometimes, you may not like a person who is interested in you at the same time as they do. It may take you a little longer. We often confuse "infatuation" with "love" when, I would argue, that "infatuation" is our "puppy love" or our "idealized version" of how we envision our romantic love to be with that "said" person. It takes time to become attached to someone and to the point where you're feelings may overlap on certain issues, as you start to enjoy being in the company and in the presence of that other person. (I've attached (no pun intended) a link below to an article that was published. It is lengthy, but a good and detailed read, nonetheless.)
Attraction, Infatuation, and Love Article by the English Review
2) It takes time for a person to let their guard down AND open up to another who they find themselves interested in. It does not occur at the same time for each person and one may experience the feeling of "openness" long before the other person. Therefore, it is imperative to exercise sensitivity for both yourself and the other person involved. I've observed that sometimes, in relationships, people can expect too much too soon and crave too much too quickly when the waters are receding and the tide is going out. If you identify more as the person who enjoys "galloping," maybe it's time you slow that horse to a walk, in order to allow the other person to walk beside you, at their own pace. Studies show (google it!) that men who are attracted to women will slow down their pace in order to walk with her. Maybe, in relationships, the "gallopers" need to try doing a similar thing.
For me, I am more of a "walk-around-the-stable-and-maybe-trot" kind of lady rather than a "gallop" girl. Guys who are too quick to rush into things with me and take me to a pond to find water first often do not have the same affect on me as men who take the time to walk or trot beside me. In essence, it takes more "time" for me to let my guard down because of past experiences that have influenced and jaded my perspective on relationships and dating. I need a guy who is willing to wait and to see me for who I am (as cliché as that sounds).
3) Lastly, being in a relationship comes with a lot of emotional, physical, and mental baggage. Some relationships, (I'm sure you have friends who have experienced this or you may be experiencing it right now) take time to "get over." Even those two words "getting over" may not suffice it enough. Society can offer advice and their "peanut gallery" for us, but it is up to you to learn from it. You may still remember certain things about a person, such as the way they smelled after they showered or how they lifted that piece of falling hair from your face to behind your ear. Some of those memories will never leave because they are ingrained in you. They have become tattooed on your soul as a permanent part of you. For me, I don't necessarily "get over" someone, per say, but I learn to "move on" from my "infatuation" or "attachment" to a guy.
All that to say, not all guys are "boys." There are some good men out there. My favorite quote to use whenever I get asked if I'm "seeing anybody" is "yes. lots of boys but no men." Because, there is a difference between a man and a man who is disguised as a boy. I'd rather wait for the latter, and if that means my career is off to a rocking good start, then I'll take it. Someday, I know that my time to meet a wonderful guy will come, but until then, I have to maintain and be faithful in the friendships that I have been given. I have to sow into them and be present for the people that God has placed into my life to learn from them, be taught from them, to serve them, and to also allow myself to grow from them. My friendships with guys who value women have taught me one important thing: (and my hair stylist said it best and on numerous occasions to me) that because my standards are high (though not unreasonable), the quality of the man that I meet will be higher and, because of that, he will appreciate me for the things that I have done in my early life and for who I am and appropriately, see that as a challenge and work to stay with me. He will also be the type of man that will seek to help me grow and teach me the times where it's okay to let my guard down. In that case, love can be likened to a parabola. Sometimes, you're up, sometimes, you're down, but in between, you share the same origin - that you have feelings for each other.
And, since that type of relationship is worth waiting for to me, then wait I shall. Because, I'm expectantly hopeful that he is waiting, too.
-cheers!
