A Sandbar Engagement

This summer, I have been learning a lot about discernment. One of the books that I have spent ample time reading is Abundant Simplicity by Jan Johnson. She told the story of a friend who encouraged her to:

"Write down every single responsibility and duty in your life. Obligations that are so important that you simply can't get out of them. When you are all done, cross out half of them."

Johnson then gets more specific. List everything you do for a month. Then rank each thing that you did in order:

1) essential
2) important but not essential
3) helpful but not necessary
4) other

Finally, eliminate all of the last two categories and 20% of the first two. While you are doing this, work through the two questions: What do I want? Why do I want that?

So, I did this exercise. And something that Johnson said repeatedly came back to me:

"Each of us in our friendship with God grows in discernment of what we are being drawn toward. We learn to live in this sense of peace to the point where we recognize it as soon as we're out of kilter and we've lost it."

She continues on to say that it takes discernment to know the point(s) in your life where "I'm done. I'm grateful I did this, but I'm done." In terms of service commitments, "focus all your efforts on considering what you want - what you really want - and ask yourself, what breaks my heart that breaks the heart of God? What tugs deeply at me?"

So, I made a list. And it took a while to really figure out everything that I do in a month. But once it came to crossing things off from the last two numbers, it was easy to see where my heart lies. But crossing off 20% of the first two really caused me to think about where I am honestly spending my time and energy - is it to gratify myself or to lift up others?

This huge issue of discernment, of "what next?" after college; has been an overarching theme in my life this summer along with vulnerability and risk. While reflecting on the items that I had listed and the moments in my life this summer where I was truly happy and fulfilled; my true identity is/was where Christ was being revealed. The layers that I had clothed myself with were slowly coming off due to the sweat of realization; to the fact that I need to follow - must follow the Holy Spirit's calling on my life or I will never be walking in my purpose.

This experience reminds me of the engagement party that is happening next door. There are many 20 somethings outside under a beautiful see-through tent in gorgeous dresses, handsome suits, enjoying the ocean view and the breeze. I sit inside glancing out my window wondering, "Will I ever experience this joy?" And, then I look straight ahead to the calm ocean, barely moving but beautiful with sandbars and aqua blue water. I am experiencing this joy. I am humbly reminded that someday, I will experience the joy of the celebratory party - but, if I am constantly focused on that - and completely disregard the calm beauty that lies before me, then I will miss it once it comes.

This is similar to discernment. If I am constantly focused on what I want to do but never once consider the work that God is already doing in my life, then I will miss the opportunities that lie right in front of me.

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Thank you Lord for this humble reminder. Thank you that you always bring me back to the cross. May your will be done in my life. As Ecclesiastes 3 says: there is a time and a season for everything. " May you give me the strength to pursue and to continue in walking with you for the rest of my life. Thank you for the blessings that you have given me today. May you give them also to someone else who is in need of them right now. Amen (or let it be so.)

Have You Seen the One My Heart Loves?

"All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves;

I looked for him but did not find him.

I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares;

I will search for the one my heart loves.

So I looked for him but did not find him.

The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city.

"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"

Scarcely I had passed them when I found the one my heart loves.

I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house,

to the room of the one who had conceived me.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love before it so desires."

-Song of Songs 3:1-5

I think that many people often skip over this book in the Bible. It's images are so vivid, its words so true, and its language so pure. Yet, when I read this passage today, I saw it all in a different light. God searches for us in the same way that the lover searches for his beloved. God earnestly tries to find us and seeks us out. I am reminded of our first beginnings in Genesis, where following Adam and Eve's disobedience in the garden, they hid. God called out to them and asked "Where are you?" Their nakedness and shame left them exposed. Yet, God continued to search for them, admist their brokenness and heartache. He loved them.

So, I read and re-read over this passage again. And then, I replaced the phrase "have you seen the one my heart loves?" with my name "Alexandra." And it became so much more personal to me.

"All night long on my bed I looked for Alexandra;

I looked for Alexandra but did not find her.

I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares;

I will search for Alexandra.

So I looked for Alexandra but did not find her.

The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city.

"Have you seen Alexandra?"

Scarcely I had passed them when I found Alexandra.

I held Alexandra and would not let her go till I had brought her to my mother's house,

to the room of the one who had conceived me.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love before it so desires."

He loves us. He wants to know us. This type of relationship is not a Disney romance or a celebrity marriage. It is something much more. It is a symbol of unity, of togetherness, of oneness. God wants to be with us. and his love extends to every human being; regardless of past, race, gender, social status, location on the globe. He wants this type of relationship with all of us. In fact, it is needed. We just need to be willing to open ourselves up and see him the way he sees us - beautiful puzzle pieces brought together in a unique mosaic.

My Blessings

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. And one of the things that I've come across numerous times, is "blessings." In the book, The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith, he talks about the importance of recognizing the blessings that are already present in our lives. All too often, we are consumed with "wanting more" that we miss out on what is already in front of us. One of his experiments is to list your blessings. So, I gave it a try. Here is my list.

*cool 75 degree summer days
*light chatter/laughter surrounding the table during a meal at homegroup
*when the music stops at church and people sing acappella
*the smell of rain and freshly cut grass
*the sound of rain hitting the roof
*the sound of bicycle tires on the pavement during the summer
*summer breeze
*walking barefoot in the sand
*cold ocean water
*sleeping in
*watching my cats sleep
*birds singing
*boats on the water
*July 4th fireworks
*jazz music
*cooking and sharing a meal together
*dance
*shadows and light between trees
*thoughtfulness
*clouds
*mango sorbet
*vegan chocolate chips
*the color blue
*a robin standing on an old porch
*an Italian meal of pasta and garlic bread
*zinnias
*ice cold lemonade in a glass pitcher
*vacations: "having nothing to do and all day to do it in."
*old trees
*historic buildings
*the city
*hugs
*unexpected happy surprises
*the warm sunshine on a spring day
*June 21
*leaves hanging off a branch
*peanut butter and banana sandwiches
*sunsets and sunrises
*a flower behind a guy's back before he gives it to a girl
*sleep
*the smell of a new notebook
*old bookstores
*handwritten letters
*calligraphy
*stillness
*sound of a guitar outside
*leaves changing color in the fall
*students going back to school
*poetry
*plaid shirts
*antique car shows at A & W
*rootbeer
*real peppermint
*handmade bracelets
*street performers and musicians in New Orleans
*a couple holding hands

(this list goes on and on! take some time to make your own and watch it grow. take comfort in knowing that you are already blessed.)

Drinking Coffee Out of an Espresso Cup

Today, I tried something new. Iced coffee! The moment that drink made contact with my lips, a huge smile spread across my face. This was really good! Very quickly, my small espresso cup became empty and I longed for more. And then the thought crossed my mind: Why did it take me so long to try it?

Was it because for me, its a symbol of adulthood? That, once you drink coffee you are automatically accepted into a new group of coffee drinking friends and family? Was I just ready to try something new? To take a step off of that diving board and leap into an unknown world, full of open doors and beautiful opportunities? Could it be simply because I was just too comfortable with my familiarity, with smoothies, with the sweet taste that the fruit made when blended together? Was the uncomfortability of stepping into the unknown bigger than saying "Yes, I'll try it."?

To some, these thoughts may seem analytical. But to me, sipping coffee from an espresso cup, I was invited to risk. I had found myself waiting behind a barrier that I put up, to protect me from trying something new. Yet, the words:

"There is no room in the Christian tradition for a doctrine of safety"

took on new meaning. Through the Holy Spirit, I finally understood that I was "safe" with just sticking to what I knew. But in that, I was limiting the areas of my life where new flowers had the potential to grow and bloom. If I couldn't be faithful in taking a risk and trying some coffee, how could I listen to the false belief that I simply "didn't like it"?

It is easy to feel safe in our society. We have house keys, cars with automatic locks, police officers, air conditioners to protect us from heat exhaustion, seat belts, traffic lights, medicine, etc. It's not that all of these things are unnecessary; but rather, sometimes we allow safety to take control of our lives.

In Christianity, there is always risk involved. There is risk in loving someone. For if we expose our true feelings and they do not feel the same way, then our perception of ourselves and the situation is warped. Yet we continue to love again, to risk.

Why?

I think that there is an innate part inside all of us that longs for something greater outside the walls of safety. Don't get me wrong. There is risk that is just plain stupid and requires common sense. But then, there is risk in knowing that someone (greater than yourself) will protect you and allow you to learn if you let him in.

Rob Bell talks about "safety" in his book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians. At one point, he mentions the US spending billions of dollars on safety equipment (ie: weapons) in order to keep the American people safe.

He references the Old Testament and the Egyptians. Even Paul writes in Phillipians 2:12-14 to "continue to work out your salvation. . . to do everything without complaining or arguing..." Working out our salvation, showing the world a picture of who God is in one that is so consumed with the idea of safety is very challenging. It's a risk in itself. It's failing, getting up again, and continuing to walk. Just like when Jesus carried his own cross on his back and people all around him were spitting and shouting hurtful words; Jesus commands us to "take up your cross and follow me." We are called to walk on water with Jesus, just like Peter did. To take a step out of the boat, look at him straight in the eyes and begin our journey towards him. 

So, I think the ultimate question for me (and maybe you) is this: Will I continue to sit in my "safety zone" or trust and believe that I am already made safe with my creator, God?

An Experiment in Silence

For the past two days, I have been living simply. I say this not out of pride but out of humble acceptance of God's grace. My life up to this point had been filled with unnecessary clutter. It took a couple of days at my family's beachhouse without a phone and a computer to realize this. And it was in moments of sitting on the porch watching the boats in the water, standing outside listening to the birds sing their songs, sitting in front of a fan reading, cooking meals with my family, and taking some much needed naps, that God spoke to me.

Jesus humbled me. He showed me that all of these material things were taking precedence over spending time with him. When I actually followed through with this discipline, I learned more about myself and God's purposes for me in  the world. I was no longer concerned with Facebook notifications of other people's opinions about me, but was drawn to Jesus' humble attitude and servanthood. What made Him so compelling? What was it about Him that caused so many people to leave everything and follow Him?

This weekend, I experienced what one of the twelve disciples  might have felt when they heard Jesus call their name [insert your name here] to follow him. It was a call to combat the old self, to leave old habits behind and embrace a new, more fulfilling and fruitful life.

In the book, Abundant Simplicity, author Jan Johnson talks about the importance of living simple lives. They are not lives devoid of fun and adventure, but rather, lives rich with meaning and beauty. While reading, I felt his spirit telling me to try one of the small experiments that accompanies the end of each chapter. It invited me not to talk for a period of time and really listen to what others had to say. So, I gave this a try.

And I noticed that when I really listened with my ears and my heart (sounds cliche, I know), that he had been speaking to me already. When one of my family members was talking, I noticed that I reallly enjoyed listening. For 20 minutes, I was silent and when I wanted to offer my opinion, I didn't until I was acknowledged. I learned to appreciate what others said and felt accepted regardless of whether I had something to contribute to the conversation. However, after 20 minutes, I noticed that the need to remain busy resurfaced. After I settled down in my chair again, and began listening, my heart softened for the people around the table. I understood that community is not always about talking but its always about simply listening. I think it's in these moments that we truly begin to understand the need for simplicity and embrace such practices in our daily lives. The Gospel writers frequently depict Jesus "going off to a solitary place to pray." Since he both human and God, I'm sure he experienced the inner battle of wanting to remain in the crowds to witness to them but also of briefly leaving for a period of time and meeting with His Heavenly father to listen.

So, I wonder if I tried intentionally listening like this for a week, how my life would be different. How might it change when my focus is clearly off of myself and on God?  Yes, this method may seem a little extreme for some, but I think there is a part of all of us that need to have this moment of silence everyday in our lives.

I challenge you to try this experiment this week. Really try it. Carve out a point in your day to listen for 30 minutes, an hour, or even go silent for a whole day. Then post a comment here to share how it went.

Remember, we all fall short. But, the pieces have already been picked up and Jesus has won. May you take comfort in knowing that you are part of a greater family, a community that has been made new and baptized by His love, grace, and power. May you experience this in the coming week.