Finding an honest and genuine guy is a rarity these days. Bob Goff, author of the phenomenal book, Love Does, says it best in regards to following Jesus - however, I believe this same truth can be applied across fields to men and to any relationship, for that matter. Goff is quoted in his book as saying:
..."a lot of people who say they know Jesus have all the right words and all the right moves, but what they don't have is sincerity and authenticity."
Think: little red riding hood meets "a wolf in sheep's clothing,"
In my opinion, I feel that those couple of important, necessary, and defining qualities, that of sincerity and authenticity, are missing from men nowadays and, at the same time, becoming increasingly more infrequent.
Guys can talk a good game and walk a good walk, but if they're not authentic or sincere about life or things that they're passionate about, then it's a dead giveaway to me.
No one human being is born being "authentic" and "sincere." I believe that these two qualities are nurtured through life experiences and, simultaneously, taught (whether it be directly and/or indirectly.) Jesus is a great example, however of a man that is/was both "authentic" and "sincere." He epitomized the development of these qualities and, I feel, characterized them for all of humanity to follow.
In order for one to be sincere, they must be put into situations where they exercise and practice sincerity. Sincerity, however, is a trait that can be faked, and, like any good participant at a masquerade ball, eventually, the mask is removed and all inner qualities are revealed at that precise moment in time.
For example, when a close friend loses a loved one, you may feel sincere about wanting to help that person. With that said, what I like to call a "heart change" happens when you may be feeling the same things or similar things as your friend. Another example puts it this way: when 9/11 happened, I felt inside of my "middle schooler heart" that something, at that moment, was wrong with the world, and I immediately felt sincerity for the people who lost someone or many people.
In addition, I also believe that another important trait that is coupled with sincerity and goes hand-in-hand is that of compassion. Just like with sincerity, compassion is not a trait that everyone has and it must be learned.
As a former teacher of students with special needs, I was constantly teaching my kiddos "life skills," about abstract ideas such as compassion and using kind words and how they have the ability (well, everyone, in fact), to "fill someone's bucket" everyday or to be a "bucket dipper." A great book that points this out that I used throughout this year after observing a teacher who had used it in her classroom is "A Kids Guide to Bucket Filling" and "Have You Filled Your Bucket Today?" by Carol McCloud. Teaching kids that everyone they meet is carrying a bucket and that they have the ultimate power with their words to add to or to take away from their "invisible bucket" is a challenging and daunting task to undertake. But, undertake it, I did, and throughout my entire school year, I made it my mission to teach the kids about the importance of being kind and all of those other qualities that are difficult to put into pictures but oh, so important to share with kids. (On another side note, a great book to teach kids about the theme of "moving on" is "Stars" by Mary Lyn Ray. Pick it up and add it to your collection. You will not be disappointed.)
Anyway, back from my tangent to the original post, "authenticity" and "sincerity."
While I talked about sincerity and it's sister (I feel), "compassion," there is one quality that I believe is vital to any relationship to help it grow. One may liken it to a gardener's "water" when tending a flower bed on a farm, and that is "authenticity."
In order for any relationship to grow, it requires a good, healthy dose of authenticity. Watering with authenticity is sure to make not only the other person or people within that said relationship/friendship grow, but make YOU grow as well.
However, if someone is not "authentic," well, that is easy to spot, much like a weed growing in a sidewalk. Authenticity must be developed, nurtured, and cared for in order for it grow and blossom. If all of those ingredients are not constantly being poured forth into that plant or flower bed, then the plants won't grow and you'll have dry and wilted flowers before spring comes in like a lion.
Sometimes, I feel like I was born in the wrong "era." What I am trying to say is that though I look or "appear" young, I feel that I am quite mature for my age and it is due in part to life experiences that have caused me to grow much quicker than my peers who are in a similar age bracket as I am. As such, being a young and mature woman, (who, as times, feels like she is in her 30's) makes it incredibly challenging to find a guy. Scratch that. Finding a "guy" is the easy part. Honestly, they're everywhere! The harder, and rather, difficult part of the whole process, is locating a "man" within that herd who is outfitted with "authenticity, sincerity and compassion."
I've grown up to be a very independent woman and it would be wonderful to locate a man who does not see or use my independence as a crutch but teaches me to exercise some "dependence" throughout the course of my life. In my experiences with men, it seems that the majority, or, if we're being real with ourselves, lack the honesty and simplicity and instead, exchange those things for a one-night stand or a quick-fix relationship.
I'm looking for something more. Call me crazy, but I would rather wait my entire life for a genuine, honest, heart-felt, sincere, authentic, and compassionate relationship, than go through the whirlwind tunnel of boyfriends who want nothing more than a "trophy wife" to show off to their friends at the next outing.
A guy who is authentic, ladies, will be real and open with you, and will seek to make you happy and yearn to watch you grow. He will seek to add to what you already are and your identity, instead of trying to "take it away" from you. A guy who is authentic, will work to make you laugh and seek the best for you. A guy who is sincere will grieve alongside you but will also be sensitive enough to know when you need your space.
Though I've waited a good portion of my life for such a "man" to come along, I rely on the trust and the hope that someday, our paths will cross and it will happen. It's important to not rush into things just because you desire something. Things like relationships take time and work on both parties and forcing something that is not "meant to be" or causing the petals of the flower to burst open when they have not fully grown yet, is only a recipe for disaster. Build a relationship on friendship first. Get to know the other person. Get to know their whole being and who they are. I can't stress this enough. They are words of wisdom that were taught to me very young and I feel the need to share them with you, too.
At this time, I'm continuing to observe guys and put myself out there. I'm not stopping my daily routines and "going out" just because I don't have a guy. Ladies, please remember, that you are not defined by the "man" who is or is not around your shoulders. A guy should not "define" who you are. Your character and your uniqueness should be the ultimate factors.
For me, I am perfectly comfortable with grabbing a handful of my friends and having a good time bowling, walking in the park, playing basketball, teaching, reading, writing, beachin' it, etc. and, investing in those friendships and what God has placed before me, while I wait patiently for that man to come down the aisle.
And, honestly, if he's dressed in a plaid shirt and shorts, that's fine with me, too. A guy who is comfortable with himself and who he is, who knows his limits and who is respectful, witty, humorous, can make a girl laugh, and is genuinely interested in what she has to say; encourages her to pursue life without a roadmap sometimes; is athletic and eats healthy, enjoys music and is great with kids, that is the guy that I am willing to wait for. I feel that these qualities and many more that are just too numerous to name or mention here are not ones that are directly identifiable in the first few moments of meeting in a relationship, but ones that can be picked out within the time it takes to get to know each other, are, indeed, worth waiting for.
I am not naïve to think that this relationship does not exist; in fact, I know that it does because I've seen, witnessed, and talked to people who are living examples of that right now. And, if I end up bypassing society's "criteria" or "timeframe" for finding a guy, then so be it. For, it is not my place nor time to choose when such a man and I will meet or have met. That is out of my hands and out of my control. And for that, I am truly grateful because I would probably mess it all up.
Until then, I learn about myself, type away, write again, read, spend time with both friends and family, drink coffee with honey, travel, and rest. And, that, my friends, is okay with me.
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