Letters to My Husband

"It was not suddenly and unannounced that Jesus came into the world. He came into a world that had been prepared for him. The whole Old Testament is the story of a special preparation. . . Only when all was ready, only in the fullness of His time, did Jesus come." -Phillips Brooks

(The following post is an excerpt from my journal, written today, titled "Letters to my Husband.")

Dear Future Husband,

I've been trying to keep up with this little Christmas Advent book. Today, I read this quote and thought that it could be applied to us and our relationship. When I am by myself, I am the most vulnerable. I am lost in my own thoughts and often think about you. More specifically, I wonder where you are. I wonder when we will finally meet (or if we have already met). I wonder if I will be disappointed in God's choice for me. But then, I am reminded that those are irrational fears and are not worthy of my lamenting or thoughts. They must be "thrown into the fire" never to be thought of, seen from, or heard from again.

But tonight, I am reminded that He's saving you for me and I for you. Jesus' plans are far superior than mine. Our relationship will be very special for the simple fact that it is built on Him. That all of this waiting is for a purpose, for a reason; and that is, to unite two hearts, two bodies, to you and that they would ultimately glorify your mission and work in the world. My hope is that our relationship would show the world a picture of what our God, our Father in Heaven, is like. I have to trust that because I have decided to wait (and, in some cases, I feel that it has been my life's theme: "waiting"). Waiting has not been something that I chose but rather, waiting chose me. "Only when all was ready, only in the fullness of His time, did Jesus come." Only when two hearts are ready, will Jesus unite us together.

Jesus chased after me, I will chase after you, and now, I will have a man chasing after me, too.

So, in order to make this whole "waiting" process better for myself and more memorable, I need to stop having unrealistic expectations of when, where, under what circumstances, and with whom, we will eventually meet. Instead, I need to be more concerned with the process of my singleness-turned-eventually-into-couple ness and the lessons that are meant along the way. A focus of finding the "perfect guy" will only end in heartache, both on my end and yours.

In a world where Match.com, blind dates, Hallmark movies, and relationship statuses seem the "norm," I feel that it would be beneficial for everyone (regardless of being a widower, a divorcee, single, etc.) to remember their own "love story," where they came from, and where they are ultimately going. And, most importantly, who took them for their ride.

For me, that's a journey of 24 years of singleness and knowing, rather, feeling comfortable with, that being "okay". There is humility in waiting for a flower to bloom, for a child to grow, for the seasons to turn. There is also eager anticipation. That's what I want our relationship to be founded on: eager anticipation for the other.

But, who wouldn't want to meet the love of their life on Christmas? Surely, Jesus met all of us that way. Or on any other ideal holiday. To have the "cute" love story would be pretty awesome. But you know what? I am perfectly happy with meeting you anywhere. With knowing that God's got it all figured out, and hasn't led me astray in the past has given me hope for the future.

This does not go without saying that I think of you often. As I grow older and mature, my criteria for you has changed from superficial to more internal. I want you to be so full of the Lord, to have a great personality, to make me laugh (and yes, a little attractiveness to the other party wouldn't hurt either :)

It seems that I have been forever surrounded by young couples and a society that pushes romance and adult responsibilities far too quickly on young teenagers and not enough emphasis on just simply waiting. Don't get me wrong - my whole season of singleness hasn't been all that enjoyable at times. Truthfully, I would have liked to meet you sooner, for you to have come into my life earlier. But alas, all I can do is do what I have been doing all along - and that, my dear, is to wait and to have hope. Hope that the grace of God will carry us through, to the moment that I will finally meet you.

Love (your future wife),

Alexandra

Buy the Mauve Eyeglasses

In some parts of my life, it feels like I am starting over again. I am a freshman in college, getting acquainted with my fellow classmates, the campus, student life, and the like.

I feel that I am in a learning phase. I have a new job, in a new place, with new people, with new responsibilities. I am shifting from a woman whose single, to one who is looking for a man who is committed and faith -driven. My life is in a different season. Perhaps, if I had to pick a season that my life most resembles at this moment in time, I would choose spring. I select this option for the fact that at this point in my life, I am experiencing old things in a new way. I am experiencing these new things with a mindset and perspective that I didn't necessarily have before nor did I work on trying to get used to.

For example, I made an appointment with my eye doctor a couple of weeks ago. When he checked my eyes, he told me that they had changed significantly. Thus, my need for new lenses. Now, in the past when my eyes have changed, I have always kept the same pair of frames and just changed the lenses. It was more cost-effective for me and I got really comfortable and used to the frames that I had. But sitting in my eye doctor's office, I felt the need to change my frames, too.

So, the hunt for new frames began. The lady at the eye doctor's helped me to find some frames that I was typically used to in the form of size, shape, and color. She placed all of the frames that I really liked on a small wooden table so that I could go back and try them all on again. I finished browsing and made my way to the table. I sat down and began the long processing of weeding out the frames that just "caught my eye" to those that helped to define and enhance who I am.

I finally settled on two pairs that I equally liked. One was a mauve color that shown red in the light, and the other was a gold, more distinguished, womanly color. Both were small, rectangular frames, something that I was not used to.

The lady at the doctor's saw my smile when I tried on the mauve colored glasses. She said I looked "young and hip" and that the gold rimmed ones made me look more womanly. I went back and forth between these two frames, looking at myself in the mirror, the way a young child does. This went on for about about 20 minutes. I wanted something that would go with my outfits, yet also something that helped to identify the "independent" me.

Then the lady at the eye doctor's said something very profound that really went beyond the "physical" realm of me purchasing new frames. She said: "The mauve ones are more risky and the gold ones are safe. You usually go with the 'safe' eyeglasses. Sometimes, you've got to take a risk."

This small interaction spoke to me so much, because it's so true. I usually, (more often than not) go for the "safe route" all the time. But this summer, I've learned so much about taking risks that are healthy and will promote a positive lifestyle and trying new things. I am so grateful for my friends who have played a part in advancing this area of my life. However, I know that there is still work to be done in me. I am reminded that when it comes to any sort of romantic interest, I am always the first one to put barriers up all around myself - thus blocking off my accessibility from potential guys, friendships, and a future relationship. This is something that I've slowly started to work on. And, I feel that equally as important is the ability to identify this barrier that I've created and to name it. This is a huge step towards change. So, I know that progress is being made, albeit, slowly.

Yet, I do not want this struggle to hinder me from a relationship with a guy, but rather, I want a guy who will accept me for who I am and this particular thing that I struggle with from the start. I want a man who will encourage me to go deeper in my walk with God, and who is strong and firm in his faith. I want a man who will challenge me and who will call me out on things that I will fail at. I want a man who will appreciate my job and the passion that I find in waking up every morning to teach my students. Finally, I want a man who will be able to lead a family in the way, the truth, and the life of Jesus.

In conclusion, relationships (a future romantic one) are just one part of my life that I want to work on. I now see that the interaction with the lady at the eyeglasses store opened the door for me to identify an area in spring that I long to experience blossom.

I am ready to walk in the store and actually pick up, try on, and purchase the mauve-colored eyeglasses. I humbly declare that I am ready to take that risk of wearing them and seeing (no pun intended) where it takes me. Life is all about risks, and we have to allow ourselves time and trust to try them on. I am excited to wear these new glasses (figuratively speaking, of course) and observing the changes that I am a part of when I allow myself to take a risk.

The Road to Transitions

Life is all about transitions.

Once you feel like you have mastered the art of navigating transitions, you'll most likely be thrown into another one again. At least, that's how life has been for me.

Throughout my life, I have felt an expanse of transitions. Going from elementary to middle school, is huge in itself. Just think, you're being trained to think from a first grade mindset to a sixth grade mindset. Those five to six years are crucial for developmental stages, making friends, learning academics, and being social, among other things. Then, from middle school, you go on to high school. It's a place where teenagers are dealing with real-life situations first hand and teachers are able to offer them advice when asked. Teachers help prepare the high school student for life post-graduation; whether that's college, work, travel, or a mix of all three.

I think it's quite fair to make the statement that we all go through transitions. After college, I went into substitute teaching - which helped to prepare me for my first full-time teaching job that I have now. Yet, another transition. The training has been very worthwhile and I have come home with a plethora of information at the end of each day. I know that I will probably be filling up countless notebooks with helpful literature and keynote speakers "words of wisdom" from Professional Development training throughout this school year.

Yes, it's true that sometimes the unknown is a little scary; the uncertainty may make some apprehensive. But, I feel that if we, as humankind, were not given the ability to experience these emotions, we would never know life from this perspective. From my experience, I was given this ability to feel emotions when I was created by God. I would never have the ability to empathize with my neighbors about life and the immense hurdles and triumphs that it brings without such emotions.

On an unrelated note but another great example nonetheless, I fully expect that on my first date (see previous blog post: 24 and single) - I will probably be nervous and excited all at the same time. However, if I already feel comfortable with that particular person and have taken the opportunity to get to know him in group settings, then, the whole date (and relationship) will (hopefully!) be better. I feel that if a relationship blossoms out of an initial friendship - the two will work hand-in-hand with each other.

So, I believe that it is because of my willingness to learn, that I have been able to enter the teaching profession with an open heart. My college years and practicum training have fully prepared me for the role that lay ahead. I'm quite excited to be with a group of students that I get to invest in each and every day and be able to have the opportunity to impact their lives. I expect to see those impacts in tangible ways (albeit, sometimes it takes a while) and other times in ways that I cannot see, nor may not ever get to see.

But the reality is, that whatever you are doing, whatever profession you find yourself in, you will experience transitions. You will even experience transitions outside of your careers - for example, expecting a baby, going on a date, moving to a new place, getting married, etc. I feel that it is so important to approach each of these transitions with a fresh and open mindset and not to allow yourself to be swayed by other people's opinions of a particular transition, journey, end goal, or life stage. You are being taken on this journey of life and it is only, the unique you that is living that dream. So, make the most of it!

For me, my passion is teaching. I will talk to anyone and everyone about teaching if/when I have the opportunity! My training has opened up the door to shine a light in the room that I was standing in. When the light was turned on, I saw how my face shone whenever I talked about teaching. It's what I was born to do and I can't imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life (career wise, that is.)

Today was my first day of  "official training" as a new, first year teacher (though it feels like I've received so much training already, and I am so grateful for even more!) The speaker talked about how, as a teacher, I am called to "help prepare students for a world that I may never see." This quote helped me to see this profession from a different perspective. A perspective, in which my ultimate end goal is to help assist my students in preparing for life. And, if you ask me, that's a pretty rewarding, challenging, and exciting profession and transition.

24 and single

For a while, it seemed that I was missing out on the most "important" aspect of life.  I was so focused and concentrated on finding that "special someone". I put a lot of my energy into this, and with that, neglected all of the beautiful things going on around me. I often felt that God had forgotten about me and spent a lot of time wondering and asking

"When is my time going to come?"

"When will I experience what my friends are experiencing?"

"Is there something wrong with me?"

You see, all that I saw around me was my friends in their early to mid-20's, engaged (sometimes, quite literally) in couply things: like date nights, weddings, engagements, etc. All of these milestones that life was giving them, I was not experiencing. I often felt in a strange place as a single woman.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I finally felt comfortable with myself as a single woman. I finally realized that some of the good and beautiful things like marriage (or the "M- word", as I like to call to it), date nights, and couply outings, were not happening because of me, but because I just simply hadn't crossed that particular path yet. And for once, I was okay with that. Because, for once,  I was finally comfortable with myself and who I was created to be.

I realized that society has this way of dictating to us how we should live our lives, particularly with women. I'm not sure if you have ever experienced this at all, but the media shoves a lot of "adult-like" responsibilities our way that we haven't crossed yet. I often wonder about the short and long-term effects that society feeds young women about adulthood, the mediums through which these messages travel (via computer, magazine, television, music, internet, etc.) and how these women change as a result of this unhealthy nutrition.

For me, I knew who I was in God, but I wasn't truly comfortable in that. The past few days, I have experienced this incredible comfort in my identity, in who I am. I no longer attend social gatherings with the mindset of "looking for someone." My perspective on this whole issue has changed.

For example, while my friends planned their perfect "date outfit," I was talking to God about how I felt as a single woman. I feel that these past 6 months have been quite a growth experience for me. I slowly drifted away from thinking all the time about my "dream guy" to prayers that were less self-driven and more outward focused on my friends, my family, my parents, being faithful to Jesus, etc. My attitude towards life also changed, too. I often came home from social gatherings with friends downcast at times because "so-and-so didn't talk to me", when in reality, I was trying to cross a road that I was not ready for.

Here's an analogy: it was like I was trying to cross a road with cars passing in front of me. I so desperately wanted to get to the other side (because that's where the majority of my friends were). Looking back, I craved their lives rather than focusing on my own.

Within this half a year, I have grown personally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I do not say this with an "oh, look at me!" mindset but with a humble heart, knowing from personal experience that I have truly been blessed by Jesus. I have been very careful and intentional about what I am putting into my body in terms of nutrition and equally as faithful with keeping myself fit at the gym. I have been trying new things and conquering obstacles.

I have been able to bless other single women with my "story", though I don't even consider it a story, really, but a true reflection of the journey that God has taken me on. God has also equally blessed me with wonderful women who are in healthy relationships and how to learn from them. I have re-examined my life as a single woman not as something to feel bad about but as something to fully embrace. Because, only one "Alexandra Believes" will ever navigate on this journey. (:

A friend recently pointed out to me, that she was excited that I have been able to be single, because I'm able to connect with other single women in a way that women who are in relationships may not have the ability to. I've really enjoyed observing, listening to, and asking questions from my friends who have been in relationships and those who are in them currently about that particular "path." This same friend also shared that once I am in a relationship, I will be experiencing a lot of "firsts." Which, in and of itself, is pretty neat, because I have nothing else to compare him (or the relationship), to. In a way, it will be my new path of "firsts," something exciting and nerve racking all at the same time.

I do not regret any of this time that I have spent as a single woman. I have enjoyed the freedom that it brings. I've also truly enjoyed the times that I've spent (and continue) to spend with God. Finally, I've enjoyed the moments where I've felt truly comfortable in how God created me. I've come to the realization that women do not need a man to define their worth or who they are in society, but that a true and proper understanding of themselves will only come through time spent with Jesus.

This season of singleness has helped me to be able to transition for when that special man walks across that path to meet me, too.

#10 - humility

Again and again I am reminded that I cannot (nor should I try), to do it all on my own.

This is quite a challenging statement for some to grasp. The belief that, as a human, I do not have the ability to control the things around me regardless of how hard I try, is hard to follow through at times. We have all experienced this belief that we've "got it all together." But the reality is, we don't. We are broken human beings in need of love, support, and people. We are called to recall the one who does have it all together: Jesus. The simple act of calling on his name may be the very thing that brings you to your knees.

Today, I was humbly reminded that I am young, I am learning, and I need to be flexible with the circumstances that I find myself in at any given time. I find myself at a point in my life where I am (again) learning how to be "content" without having a road map. A friend once put it like this: "I need to trust that the pilot of a plane knows how to fly the plane better than I do. Will I trust the pilot or my own devices?" In a similar way, I need to trust in Jesus - to get me through life's challenging obstacles, to rejoice at the tops of mountain peaks, and to weep alongside the feet of those who are experiencing deep sorrow.

In some ways, humility can be likened to that of a group task. Humility takes support and a lowering of oneself - a wiping away of all standards that you have set in an effort to see things from a completely different perspective. The support of a trusted community AND the encouragement of that particular group of people is so important and vital to your growth as a person. I would argue, in fact, that humility needs both a lessening of oneself and encouragement (or reminders of who you are - identity) in order to fully blossom. Your trusted community of family, friends, coworkers, spouse - they all need to remind you of your place in the world, they need to encourage you, and they need to remind you of your identity. For followers of Jesus, it is reminding yourself through scripture, accountability, people, etc. that you are, indeed, a daughter or a son of God, the Creator of the world. Regardless of your spiritual journey, I would humbly suggest to you that we are all in need of some restructuring of our positions in society every now and then, as well as the continual support and encouragement from family.

Peace.

# 9 - comfort vs. vulnerability

I like to be comfortable.

Correction. Maybe "love" is a better word.

I love to be comfortable.

Then again, life isn't always about being comfortable.

There are parts of our lives where we are called to be comfortable, to live in and with people, places, things and times that are familiar to us. However, there are those people, places, things, and times as equally as important, and even more so, I would argue, that cause us to step out of the comfort and into the vulnerability.

Comfort connotes that one desires to be in a place that one is familiar with. Comfort suggests that I make the choice to be involved with these people, places, things, and ideas. Vulnerability connotes that I desire (either by my own choice or not) to step out of the familiar and into a time and a space that is not my own. It is unfamiliar in the fact that I may be uncomfortable with the uncertainty and unknown parts of this person, place, or thing. On the other hand, vulnerability forces me to try something new: that is, to get to know a new person, new place, or a new thing. When every part of me resists the vulnerability or the uncomfortableness of this change (and believe me, it has), I fight. Hard. So much so, that I sometimes fall flat on my face in the circle of life, all because I am becoming introduced to something new.

Now, there are some differences between comfort and vulnerability. I would first argue that comfort can be broken down into two parts:

1) Comfort that is healthy
2) Comfort that is unhealthy.

In much the same way, vulnerability can be broken down into two parts:

1) Vulnerability that is healthy.
2) Vulnerability that is unhealthy.

If you are confused, let me being by explaining my thinking and logic on these two very different, yet very important, concepts.

First, let's tackle comfort that is healthy. Right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop. I am comfortable sitting in this coffee shop. I have my coffee, my blueberries and carrot sticks, my computer, my phone, and my books. One could say that I am comfortable. (Keep in mind, however, that my possessions should, in no way, define who I am. But, more on that in a future post.)

In dealing with comfort that is unhealthy - Let's take this same coffee shop. I have all of my possessions like books and coffee, with me. I would be considered (at least in my own thinking), to be experiencing "unhealthy comfort" if I was in this scenario all of the time. For example, I would be demonstrating that I am experiencing unhealthy comfort because I have refused to try and move to another location, like type at the mall, or in a park, or on a mountaintop.

In terms of vulnerability, a person can experience one of two types as explained above: vulnerability that is healthy and vulnerability that is unhealthy. Take, for example, a first date. A guy and a girl start off their relationship as friends and then they gradually discover that they have romantic feelings for each other. They decide that the next logical step is to go out on a date. This type of situation may be considered for some, healthy vulnerability. A typical guy asks a typical girl out. This act requires the guy to step out of the comfort of "just friends" and into a more deeper and defined relationship. In essence, the guy is putting himself out there for the girl to either reject or accept his invitation. I call this situation, "healthy vulnerability."

On the flip side, there is also, "unhealthy vulnerability." Let's take this scenario of this typical guy and this typical girl once more. Say this typical girl accepted the invitation of this first date. During the date, this typical girl tempts this typical guy by using flirtatious techniques that are very difficult for this guy to resist. This interaction makes the typical guy feel uncomfortable, and thus, the date itself feels incredibly awkward. This is an example of "unhealthy vulnerability." The girl put herself out there for the guy way too much at a time when their relationship was just beginning.

In life, I think we can all agree that we have experienced instances of healthy and unhealthy comfort and healthy and unhealthy vulnerability. It is important to reflect and learn from these situations, whether we are currently experiencing them now or whether they happened in the past. Equally important, is the ability to learn from and grow from these experiences. Some of us may feel comfortable sharing our situations with others in order to hold ourselves accountable and/or to help others going through the same thing(s).

This week, I encourage you to journal and talk with a trusted friend about your comforts and vulnerability experiences, in order to grow and learn from them.

# 8: new beginnings

Well, I suppose I should be on # 12 in the series "24 things you may not know about me." But, life is consuming and time, fulfilling. For now, here's number 8: new beginnings.

//////////

I love new beginnings.
I love the unexpectedness in not knowing what's around the corner.
I love the joy and happiness - comparable, to a relationship that's first starting to bloom; with the excitement and giddiness from both parties toward the other person.
I love the dreaming and the wondering of new beginnings.
I love how the whole world seems within reach -especially when you have great friends to share it with.
I love the butterflies in your stomach (the good kind).

In a way, new beginnings remind me of first dates. In the Hallmark movie, Remember Sunday (if you haven't seen this, you totally should), the man Gus, has a brain aneurysm that impacts his short-term memory. As a result, he has to relearn EVERYTHING each day. One day, he meets this woman, and they really like each other, but she doesn't know abut his medical condition until she becomes very attached to him. You get to witness their relationship develop over the course of the movie; he approaches each day with a fresh, new perspective and his girlfriend helps to expose him to new things everyday.

The way this man experiences new things and the way that this woman shows him, (in her own special way) to embrace the uniqueness of life, reminds me of myself. I approach each day with a new mindset (as challenging as it may be) but I also have a way about me that likes to explore and to try new things. For example, when my friends and I went to Newport, they encouraged me to try an oyster and to climb a lifeguard chair. I enjoyed the thrill and the newness of these tasks. And granted, it took me some time to muster up the confidence, but in the end, I am proud of myself that I did it!

New beginnings can be scary, yes, but they are also filled with limitless and profoundly beautiful possibilities.

Here's to new beginnings.
Cheers!

# 7 - nostalgia

Nostalgia.

I feel as though today, I've been reliving parts of my childhood.

Cookouts.
Awe of seeing a mother and her ducklings swim across a sunset pond.
Old invitations from my 16th birthday party - - cosmic bowling!
Dinner at the pond.
Dance recitals at the park.

Nostalgia.

The innocence of childhood can be a beautiful thing. Just this morning, this Fourth of July felt different. And then, I figured it out: I am getting older. I was missing the excitement and joy of seeing my grandparents - and my relatives coming together when I was just a little girl, with blonde hair fashioned in a waterspout on top of my head. Now, we lead our own separate lives, but those memories are still there.

I miss watching the fireworks with my parents from our kitchen window, brilliantly glowing over our backyard. And though, our trees have grown just a little taller - I still eagerly look outside my window and see sparks of colorful fireworks dancing across the night sky.

Nostalgia.

Sleeping in the backseat on long car rides.
Watching the clouds change shape.
A reflection and stillness - that all (at least for now) is right with the world, and that I can finally relive those precious parts of my life, known as

nostalgia.

# 6 - failed expectations

The past few nights I've woken from a sound sleep. Thoughts have been knocking on the confines of my head, such as past events, present troubles, and future concerns. Fits of tossing and turning and a spinning mind, have caused me to develop a new habit: write my thoughts down at 3 am on the "notes" app of my phone and talk to God about it. Most often, these times will turn into prayers.

One such issue that I am experiencing is that of failed expectations. Just to be upfront and honest, I fail. A lot. Now, I'm not saying this for people to look at me or to have a pity party or even for people to think less of me. What I am saying is that I am human. And, as a human, I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I try not to make the same mistakes again.

In some areas of my life, I am slow at learning. During my quiet time with God this morning, I read an excerpt from Jesus Calling, where Sarah Young talks about submitting our broken dreams over to God in exchange for his dreams for our lives. This is a very hard thing to do. Submitting control and trusting, are very challenging and adult topics to wrap our minds around (at least for me). Once we come to that place where we submit our own failed expectations of ourselves over to Jesus, change happens. It may not happen as quickly as we'd like, but it does. We may be very resistant to this type of change at first or we may  even experience happiness and a longing for more. Either way, it's important to thank God for this revelation.

Within the past month or so, I have learned how to trust again. I trusted before, but it was a different kind of trust in which I placed my hopes in myself and not in Jesus, where it ultimately belonged. The results that I experienced were different and less fulfilling. When I finally decided to let myself trust and to be vulnerable again - I experienced genuine happiness. I was overjoyed that my vulnerability led to something even greater than myself. After that, I experienced hurt again, and learned how to trust once more.

I've come to learn that hurt and trust are cycles. In order to trust, one must be willing to let his or her guard down (in a healthy way), thus making themselves vulnerable to be hurt. Once we are hurt, we may retreat back into the comfort of our shells for a while, but ultimately, something draws our heads out again experience Jesus' love and longing for us.

All that I pray (hope for, really), is that the people that I've hurt, will forgive me. And for those who have hurt me, I say that, from the depths of my heart, you are forgiven.

# 5 - scents

There are some smells that I really like.

I love walking outside to experience the smell of rain just after a storm.

I love the smell of freshly cut grass.

I love the smell of notebooks and of bindings that haven't been cracked yet. I always feel inspired to write right then and there. Oh, and new pens are always a plus, too!

A little bit of cologne on a guy is nice - just as long as it's not so overpowering that he took a bath in it. It's just comforting to have a little hint of it on his shirt. Just so that you know he's there with you.

I love the smell of grilled, stewed, or pan-friend vegetables.

I love the smell of scented candles.

I love the smell of ocean water, with a tinge of sea salt (or seaweed) in the air. So, when I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I know that I am at the ocean.

Bath & Body's Warm Vanilla Sugar hand lotion smells amazing! Though for a while now, I've been buying the unscented because it's so much cheaper.

And with these loves, there also comes some, well, dislikes. (or, things that I prefer).

I dislike any piece of meat or gluten-free hamburger or hot dog bun or piece of toast that is burnt. Correction, I will not eat a piece of meat or gluten-free hamburger or hot dog bun or piece of toast if it is burnt. I will put it on a plate or throw it away and make myself a new one. all of the time.

I will not eat a piece of pork if applesauce is placed right next to it. I will, however, eat both if they are contained; that is, if the applesauce is in it's own separate dish.

I dislike when women use WAY TOO much perfume. It's actually quite hard to breathe.

I dislike the smell of pollution in the air and burning rubber from the landfill.

I dislike the smell of mugginess when it's in the air.

# 4 - pet peeves

Everyone has pet peeves. Here's a sampling of mine.

---------

• People talking on the phone in a restaurant. 
• Talking while chewing gum. 
• "Dancing" around an important question instead of asking it straight out. 
• Drivers cutting me off in traffic or on the highway.
• Waking up to an alarm. 

# 3: ---> "Alex, what are your hopes and dreams?"

This was a question posed by a friend when a group of us ventured out to Newport last weekend. Across a rectangular wooden dinner table filled with oysters, ribs, gluten-free pizza, beverages, and deliciously smelling bread, I found myself lost for words. After a few laughs, I composed a nice, neat little answer; but, in some ways, it was not a true reflection of me. I've realized that this is a loaded question that cannot be answered in a neat little bow. My apologizes go out to my friends who eagerly sat waiting and listening for my response. Upon further reflection, here is my list that will probably keep on growing, but hopefully provides you with a better view of who I am. So, I give to you, loyal readers: my hopes and dreams list!

Alexandra's Hopes & Dreams (in no particular order)

• Visit the specific countries of my ancestors and grandparents, including Italy, Ireland, and Europe. 
• Meet my friend (in person and for the first time) who lives in Jamaica that I have been writing to since freshmen year of high school.
• Get a full-time teaching job.
• Have my own place.
• Have a boyfriend who cares about me and likes me for who I am. Then, we can talk about marriage. (:
• Publish a book of my own poetry.
• Attend a writing conference.
• Go hiking.
• Go horseback riding on a beach.
• Milk a cow.
• Raise my own children.
• Adopt a child or two.
• Go on an African safari. 
• Travel overseas.  
• Return to one of my first loves - dance (and open my own dance studio - or work at one.)
• Work at an orphanage. 
• Plant my own garden and harvest my own vegetables. 
• Go on a glass bottom boat tour. 
• Go para sailing. 
• Spend a night on a sailboat.
• Run a 5k.
• Go to New York City.
• Visit Mt. Rushmore.
• Stand in the "four states at once" on the western part of the United States.
• Travel by car across country. 
• Make a piece of clothing by hand.
• Visit all of the places where the things that I rely on daily, are made. For example, travel to the country(ies) that make my clothes.
• Go on a Ferris Wheel. again. 
• Go on a carousel. again.
• Get married on the beach. Or, have some aspect of my wedding on the water.
• Tell kids about the love of Jesus.

Unexpected Love

So, I know that I said I would only write one post a day; however, I couldn't help but share this special addition. Here's an entry that I wrote in my journal tonight. May it bring a renewed perspective on love, relationships, and the theme of "waiting," to your soul.
Cheers.

------

Today, I re-read the story of Ruth and Boaz. This is my favorite story in the Bible. It's so amazing to me how a young woman who was so committed to her family and who chose to wait (for what seemed like a long time, though the biblical account does not actually say) for a second chance with love. Her heart totally and completely worshiped God; something that mesmerizes me. She was clearly infatuated with doing His will, too - something that I fall short of every single day. Yet, His promise of new life through His death on the cross, gives me the hope that I need to try again and again and again. Ruth had a heart that honored God, her Creator, and sought to do His will, first and foremost.

And then, this man, Boaz, comes along. Well, he was there all the time, in Naomi's homeland. Ruth really took quite a risk in deciding to stay with her mother-in-law by going to an unfamiliar land. Yet, in some ways, Bethlehem was familiar because Boaz was related to Naomi's son, (Ruth's former husband) who had passed away.

I love how in Chapter 2 of verse 1, the account says: "Now Naomi had a relative on her husband's side, from the clan of Elimelech, a man of standing, whose name was Boaz." Ha - God certainly knew exactly what he was doing the entire time.

This story resonates so much with me because I see so much of myself within the person of Ruth. By no means am I her; nor am I trying to make a comparison between us. I admire the commitment that she had to her family, the waiting she endured from the time of her husband's death to the time where her marriage with Boaz was made official; the loyalty to her mother-in-law, Naomi, when her other sister-in-law, Orpah, returned home; and finally, the perseverance that Ruth showed in the face of hardships, such as relocating from a place of famine to a place of harvest.

Boaz heard all about Ruth through his foreman, yet never once do we read about him being captivated by her beauty. I'm sure that Ruth's physical appearance was marvelous, and there are many other biblical stories that talk about the physical appearance of women. Yet, that is another post for another time. It was because of these things that made Ruth attractive to Boaz. It was because of Ruth's commitment, her loyalty, her waiting, that made Boaz ultimately pursue her. And, if you have ever been pursued by God (or even by another person for that matter), you know that it's a lovingly beautiful mixture of emotions, desires, hopes, and dreams.

I love how Ruth and Boaz's relationship happened so unexpectedly. Neither of them were looking for love. There was no Match.com or ChristianMingle.com in those days. They did not expect to find love, not to mention, each other. It was God that built the bridge between them so that they could walk across to see each other. He is ultimately the Creator behind all of these things.

I also find it completely amazing that Naomi and Ruth traveled from a famine to a harvest. This story tells of God's provision not only in terms of food, at a time when people were starving, but also shares the concepts of relationships, and our role(s) as people in them.

God does provide, and, in a media infested world where all we hear (as women at least), is how to make our appearance captivating for men; because as such, we will truly be appreciated solely on beauty alone, is a lie. To hear, however, how God makes us beautiful not because of what we do but because of who we are, is really quite counter-cultural. Imagine if this thought process sat in the check-out lines at the grocery store and in the magazine racks at Barnes and Noble. What image would People Magazine conjure up if they chose to instead showcase men and women based upon their relationships with others, with their Creator at the forefront? Instead of the all-too frequent "Top 10 Tips to Get a Guy," what about highlighting the story of an everyday average woman and the good that she is bringing in the world? (Cheers to the sites, corporations, non-profits, etc. who are doing this latter part already for both sexes. Thank you!)

The unexpectancy in Ruth and Boaz's relationship continues to surprise me. Even the way that Boaz treats Ruth, with such gentleness and hospitality, are traits that are typically associated with women. This is, again, another counter-cultural example to the litter of lies that society feeds us in the 21st century about the roles of men and women. Just imagine if all men and women treated each other in the same way as Ruth and Boaz did? How different would our world be! I tend to think that we'd have healthier familial relationships and a decline in divorce.

Finally, the humility that Boaz had for his next of kin is worth noting. As a part of the culture, he had to approach the next of kin about purchasing the plot of land, which, as a part of the transaction, also acquired Elimelech's widow, Ruth. If I were Boaz, my humility would be at a minimum. I'd be jumping out of my skin saying: "I found her! She's mine!" When in reality, it was God that found both Ruth and Boaz. It was God that made the connection for both of them. Again, Boaz showed his loyalty not only to God and to his family, but to Ruth as well by simply, waiting. From experience, this act that we refer to most times as "simple," is actually quite hard and frankly, takes serious amounts of time. (At least, that's how I've experienced waiting.) Finally, Boaz was given the "okay" from the next of kin to acquire the land and Ruth when the man first in line could not accept the offer.

Ruth and Boaz's story is a wonderful example of how relationships (whether personal, familial, or romantic) should be. Reading this story gives me hope that, one day, I can experience the same joy that Ruth and Boaz shared together so many years ago.

# 2 - - > cravings & loves

Since I discovered that I had a sensitivity to gluten and dairy, my dietary needs were forced to change. As one who was so accustomed to eating pasta and chocolate, I needed to give that up for something better. At the time, though, I had no idea that I would fall in love with fruits and vegetables, a now huge staple of my daily dietary intake.

Anyway, as I had to get used to the texture and taste of gluten and dairy free products, my cravings started to change.

I now LOVE vegan chocolate. More specifically, Life Is Good, mini chocolate morsels. Put a small handful of those on some mango sorbet (another one of my absolute favs) and life, truly is, good!

Since I could no longer bring Sno-caps  into the movie theater, I had to adjust to a new craving, too. Swedish fish are also up there on the list. I prefer the large Swedish fish, because I can squish them a little before I pop them into my mouth. Squishing the candy fish actually makes them softer. The small fish do not have the same effect, and therefore, in my opinion, do not taste the same. I have heard from friends that the Whole Foods Swedish fish are amazing as well. I have yet to try them.

I have also developed a craving for coffee. I try to only consume it on special occasions, such as writing this blog post right now. hehe!

I used to drink coffee with a package of sugar, but now, drink it just black. Sometimes, I will put a little bit of honey in it to make it sweeter and cut out some of the bitterness. Either way, it's a great beverage in the coldness of winter or in the hot days of summer in an air-conditioned place.

I love breakfast for dinner. I haven't had it in a while, though. It culminates the notion of something greater than yourself - a simple calming act. I love the whole nine yards: eggs (either scrambled or over hard with the yoke broken), Virginia baked ham with syrup on it, home fries, toast, a cup of fresh fruit on the side, and a warm mug of coffee. All gluten and dairy free, of course :)

Moving away from food, (gosh, all this talk about food is making me quite hungry), my cravings also extend into other facets of my life. The best days are the ones that are not planned. When I was a kid, my parents and I would get in the car on a Sunday morning after church and go for a drive. These rides came to be known as "mystery rides" because we never knew where we'd ultimately end up. I loved it. Sadly, there haven't been many "mystery rides" in a really long time anymore.

On rainy days, like today, a cup of warm coffee, and a good book is just what I need.

In terms of fancy restaurants, my favorite is The Old Canteen. It's an amazing, old, little Italian restaurant on Federal Hill. It's all pink inside. I have a pink jacket that matches the walls. They serve a 7 course meal and you have to get dressed up to go there.

For flowers, I prefer Zinnia's over roses. I love the bright colors and roses, in my opinion seem a little cliche when overly used. However, the blush colored roses are absolutely beautiful.

I love perusing old bookstores ad spending hours in antique shops, because you never know what you are going to find. They also make for some great conversations with the store owners, too.

I love fair trade items and would much rather buy all organic foods and go to farmers markets than huge grocery stores if it wasn't so expensive.

Lastly, I love the ocean. If I could spend the entire day at the beach, with my toes kissing the sand and the seaweed floating between them, I would be in heaven. It's so calming and relaxing and makes for a beautifully wonderful day.

Well, I could go on and on, but that's all until the next post, folks.
Happy Thursday!

-alex

# 1 : height & size

I have viewed the world from 5 feet tall since fifth grade, so I guess not much has changed on that end. Don't get me wrong. There were times where I'd lay my head on my pillow at night and pray the next morning that I'd grow. But, that didn't work either. When school started again, every one who went through the summertime growth spurts - always came back to school incredibly tall. I recall senior year in high school when a couple of my guy friends and I were playing basketball in the classroom. You know, the little hoops that attach to the top of the door. It was hard to make the basket. But, put me in a basketball game, and I can go in and out of the paint and shoot those baskets like its going out of style. Though I loved basketball and was really quite good at it, I often got benched during my elementary and middle school years because of my height. Whether it be going from one part of the state to the other on the travel team or the town league, I was often benched. I remember one instance being benched the whole game until the last minutes or so. I was finally put in. I remember crying the whole ride back home. It wasn't until I got to high school that I was finally recognized for the skill that I had, not for my height.

I also remember the day that I walked into the doctor's office for my yearly checkup. She went through the "doctorly" routine and then it came to my height. She printed out a record of my growth since I was first born, picked up the line graph and said: "Well, I think you have evened out. You're probably not going to grow anymore."

Well, she was right. Twenty-four years later, and I am still 5 feet tall. And you know the funny part? Every time I've been to the doctor's since my pediatrician, they are always eager to see how tall I am. Again and again, I find myself saying "I am five feet tall." Yet, most times, I have "magically" grown an inch or two, and I hear them tell me "oh, well you're 5ft, 1 inch" or "5ft, 2 inches." Could it be that perhaps it's because I've had a little extra help from the footwear that I have on? My running sneakers give an extra inch or two and when I am in heels or wedges, I also get a little extra height. But seriously, I could save them a step with this process, every single time - and I could get out of my appointment earlier!

Speaking of footwear, I have not grown much in that department either. Well, not at all to be perfectly honest. In fifth grade when my doctor told me that my days of growing taller had come to an abrupt end, my feet also stopped growing as well. (Hmm, could there be a connection?) I was and continue to fluctuate between a size 6 or a 7 in women's. Sometimes, I do get surprises. Just last summer, I walked into Dick's Sporting Goods to buy a new pair of running sneakers. I walked passed a sale table and I found a pair of blue sneakers that I really liked - (more about my favorite color in a later post.) I picked them up, tried them on (they looked to be about my size) and they fit! So, of course I had to look at the tongue of the sneaker and saw that they were a size 6 and 1/2 in KIDS! So, yes, I guess there are those times (relatively few) where I fit into a kids shoe.

More than not, I dread any type of sneaker and/or shoe shopping. Not so much anymore, but it's still pretty hard. I've inherited the small, wide, tall arch foot from my family. You see, I'm not one that can go into a shoe store, spend 20 minutes trying on shoes, and then leave. I'm the type of person that walks into a shoe store, sees all the shoes that she could have and that are her size, try on several pairs for a couple of hours and can't have them for a plethora of reasons: either one shoe fits fine and the other hurts somewhere around the front of my toes; the cut of the shoe is too narrow and not wide enough, the arch is too small and not high enough, or, when I walk around in the store for a few minutes, the shoes start hurting. Thankfully, I haven't had to go shoe shopping in a while.

My height is now something that I joke about with my friends. When the time comes up, it usually helps to break the ice and makes people laugh. For example, I was over my friend's apartment last night. She lives with two other roommates. One of the guys has a door frame pull bar between the kitchen and hallway. He lifted himself up with ease and then my friend tried it. I was next. I was in my heels which usually adds another 2 inches to me but, I could just about reach the handles. We all laughed. If I were to try this again, I would need a stool for lift off. Ha, I should have realized this because even trying to grab the handles to do the pull down bench press at the gym is hard. I have to stand on my tippy toes to reach that one.

In terms of men, I usually go for the ones that are taller than me. No offense to those who are on the shorter side. It's just preference. (: If they are humorous, muscular, physically fit, and like to run, that's always a plus, too. First, they easily solve the height issue. They can reach things that are way too high in the kitchen cabinets for me. Every time I cook at home, I always have to ask my dad to get a pan down from the top of the refrigerator or a bowl that's too high in the cabinet to reach. Second, having tall guys for friends and even as a future boyfriend will also help when we are walking from the car to a store. Drivers are more likely to see a taller person walking around/ between the cars then they are too see a shorter person who blends in height wise with them. Finally, taller men, for me, usually exhibit a sense of protection and frankly, I like being able to look up in a guy's eyes when I talk to them.

In terms of clothing size, I have been the same size (though have toned up quite a bit and since joining a gym) since fifth grade. It's really quite remarkable, actually. I have this teal dress that I love to wear in the summertime that I have had since fifth grade that I still fit into. And, I have some overalls from fifth grade (a navy blue one with shorts and one with pants), that I sometimes wear on special occasions.

As a teacher, I feel that I am able to relate to my students better. They do not see me as overpowering but as someone who looks facially like them. Bring out the heels and makeup! In elementary school, all of the students are usually shorter than I am. Once I get to middle and high school, they start outgrowing me. It always makes for fun discussions when I walk into a classroom to teach and the teenagers ask "Where is our teacher?" And I reply with "Here, I am!"

So, you see, fifth grade was an influential time for me. It not only marked the end of elementary school but the beginning of middle school, too. It set the stage for the height, shoes, and clothing sizes later in life. I literally smile every time I slip on that little teal dress because I have so many fond memories in it. These will make great stories to tell my kids someday.

24 Things You May Not Know About Me

Hi Blogger Friends and Readers,

It has been just about a month since I last wrote. Throughout this time, I have learned a great deal about myself, the world, and the people in it. This entire year has been a learning experience for me and has truly shaped me in the ways in which I interact with others. My eyes have opened just a little wider to the circumstances, people, and ordinary everyday things that have been placed in my path. I have learned a lot about risk taking, healthy vulnerability, and the importance of relationships and the ingredients it takes to ultimately make them taste deliciously enticing or bitterly disgusting.

As I write this post, I am sitting in the Barnes and Noble Cafe, looking outside the picture window at a small patch of brightly colored flowers, listening to the sounds of construction trucks outside, and the familiar hum of coffee machines mixing together the summertime's latest flavors. Children's voices weigh in on the daily demands of life while a silent hum of unknown jazz music plays in the background. Bright sunny skies with crisp white clouds on a backdrop of a blue horizon pour in through the window as families pass by, complete with colored flip flops, torn beach shorts, and rewashed tank tops. Cars drive in and out of the parking lot like ants frantically carrying pieces of leaves back to their mounds. I wonder exactly how this day will turn out and then think to myself - - just enjoy this moment of summertime flutter. Take in the sights, sounds, smells, and beauty. For sometimes, we can be so quick and eager to jump to the next thing that we forget the wonder in pursuing the simple, yet complex things right in front of us.

All that said, this summer I am making a pact to write every single day on this blog. Well, at least I'm going to try. I may fail at times (correction, I will fail), but the reality is, I need to write more - to perfect my craft in order to improve. And, since I love writing, what better way than to share my thoughts, rantings, and innermost secrets than on here! With you, and the world (well, at least my extended family and friends.)

Anyway, drawn from inspiration from recent interactions with my friends and other blogs that I have read, I want to title this series "24 Things You May Not Know About Me."

Why "24 things" you ask? Great question! Well, since I've been on this earth for 24 years, I thought it would be sensible to share 1 thing about myself each day, beginning today up until July 19. Then, we'll see what I feel like writing about after that.

Sounds good? Thought so! Well, here goes. The first in a series of "24 Things You May Not Know About Me" begins. . . . . . . now.

Of Long Runs and Wildflowers

Lately, I have found myself in this phase of trying to juggle work and life. It's a balancing act, really. Sometimes things get thrown off kilter and need to be readjusted or even rearranged. I've been taking more runs and walks. I absolutely love this warm beautiful weather, where flowers are in bloom, birds are chirping, and kids are laughing in the park. Spring is a hopeful season.

Being at the ocean reminds me of that hope, too. It's a place where I am again reminded of just how small I am. Not a "smallness" in terms of insignificance, but a "smallness" that lets me know just how bigger the world truly is. I love seeing the waves crash against the shore, forming jagged edges alongside of the rocks. It's nature's way of saying, "you are not alone."

Both the ocean and flowers are equally majestic. Majesty can be found in life's simple pleasures; a leaf catching the sunlight in the middle of a road, a fish swimming in a pond, or even an elderly couple sitting on a park bench holding hands. Beauty is found everywhere. Sometimes though, it is more challenging to find it in the places of our lives where we often hurt the most. It's in those dirt-filled places, that I've noticed myself asking: "where's the beauty here?"

The truth is, dirt is a sign of life. It's a sign that something new is springing up from the ground. There is life in a space that causes hurt, eventually transforming (like a butterfly) into a beautiful creation. Yet with anything, transformations require time. And, that is not something that we can expect to see results from over night. Depending on the amount of hurt, and how it has clouded our vision, the progress can appear blurry. Progress is happening, nonetheless. It may not be in the way that we had wanted or hoped for, but it is/will be in the way that is most needed at this particular point in our lives.

So remember to always hope. And to document your hopes. I leave you with a list of my hopes (dreams). May you be encouraged to develop your own "Hope List."

Cheers!

My Hope List

• A place (apartment or house) to call my own.
• A full-time teaching job
• To have my photos published someday.
• To publish a book of my own poetry.
• Give a poetry reading. 
• Get my Masters Degree
• Take creative writing courses
• Travel 
• Adopt a child
• Plant a flower garden
• Write for an educational and/or literary magazine
• Get married by the ocean
• Open up my own dance studio and/or teach a group of children how to dance
• Sail
• Visit Mt. Rushmore, the Lincoln Memorial, New York City and other famous places in the U.S.
• Sing in front of a group of people
• Draw (again)
• Make my own pottery
• Sleep in a tent 
• Crochet/knit a blanket
• Work at an orphanage
• Go on a safari
• Make hand blown glass
• Fall in love

Burnt Cookies & Hope

As I reflect upon this tragedy in Boston thus far, I am deeply saddened for all parties involved. I struggle to find words or to craft a status to share. But the truth is, no amount of words will make this situation any better. 

There is a term associated with such pain and heartache as this: splagnizomai. In Biblical times, it was used to describe that the insides of a person groan and hurt so much. It was also used to describe how Jesus felt: that when translated to modern, everyday language, it would be something like, "Jesus was "wrought with splagnizomai." I think it's safe to say that we all feel some sense of this "splagnizomai" -in one way or another: for our friends, our family, our spouse. And, it's true that we will probably never look at the world the same way again. However, we need to remember that in the midst of this "splagnizomai", there has been hope; people helping each other, lifting one another's spirits, and just listening.

So, though the pain seems like a really bad batch of poorly made chocolate chip cookies - it's important to know that in between the burnt pieces, there was something originally good. There was a cookie that was created by the baker to taste delicious with all of that rich chocolatey flavor when you bite into it, but became burnt because of our need to be the "baker." Remember that the original cookie, the original Boston marathon was created for good - and, though all of this "burnt" stuff occurred, there is still a part of the baker's original idea for a scrumptious cookie that remains among the rubble. It's our job now, (and it always has been) to search for that "good" piece of the cookie - to pick it up and share it with others.

In short - FIND the cookie, CARE for the cookie, BE the cookie.
Cheers.

Sunsets and Long Rides Home

I had coffee with a friend in the late afternoon today. We began to catch up on each other's lives. She spoke much wisdom into my life.

One of the things that she mentioned that really made me think was this concept of the "innocence of youth". As a child, I was grateful that I did not have to worry about where my next meal was going to come from. I would go to the bakery with my dad and choose one item from behind the glass counters. It would always be the biggest chocolate chip cookie. Then, I broke the cookie in half, carefully measuring each piece side-by-side, to make sure that I would always get the bigger half. We conversed about how kids typically do not have to worry about "adult sized" situations and that you gradually acquire more responsibilities as you get older. However, I am gently reminded that not all kids have this luxury of a carefree childhood. Some children are forced to grow up fast, to become adults quickly, and to face life head on at a very, very young age.

Throughout sips of hazelnut coffee with honey and spoonfuls of of tomato soup, I shared about my long drive home. I have this obsession (well, maybe it's a hobby, really), of taking pictures of sunsets. My family and I were returning home from visiting family for the day and there was this beautiful sunset that guided our way. The sunset was gray and cloudy on the right side, with a yellow streak speckled with pink and blue on the left side. Oh, how I so longed to snap a picture of the part of the sunset that had color!

As we drove, I saw a beautiful strip of pink ahead. I wanted a picture of that, too! I was struck by the thought: sometimes, I want to be in the vicinity of the color when the reality is that I have to first travel through the gray clouds. I can't just accelerate my car to snap a picture of the yellow and speckles in hopes of arriving faster to the pink. The gray clouds are a journey that I am required to participate in, the yellow and speckles are the hope that takes my hand, and the pink, ah, the pink, is the promise that sits patiently waiting for me to arrive.

See, I can't hurry through a journey. It's simply not the destination that matters; it's all of the experiences in between that help to shape the outcome of the journey. It's those vital and important pieces that form your identity and make you the person that you were created to be.

So, as I travel in my car of life, with the gray on my right and the color on my left, and the pink straight ahead, I am reminded that I am loved. So, here's some questions that I have pondered and you might, too:

-What are you waiting for?
-What & where are your "gray clouds?"
-What are the "yellow and speckled colors" of hope in your life?
-What's the pink promise that lay ahead?

And finally, how do you feel about waiting?

Thoughts on food, risks, and romance

Since I last posted, I have continued to learn more about myself. However, I am not naive to think that I will ever stop learning about myself, life, or people.

So, what have I been learning?

First off, a lot about risk-taking. Risk-taking in terms of letting go of old habits, old ways, and people.

Learning about the value of moving on. Instead of hanging on to a pile of dead roses, letting go of them. Keeping the memory, but looking ahead to the future, to today, to right now.

Eating healthier. Really monitoring what goes into my body and asking myself questions before I eat such as "why am I eating this?" "Is this beneficial to me right now?" "Can I be making a better food choice instead?"

Valuing the people that I surround myself with. Really focusing on them and both the input and influence that they have in my life and I in theirs.

Learning that students are the greatest teachers. That laughing and having fun all within the context of learning are vital to a child's growth. Treating them as a person encourages their growth and establishes purpose.

And, more recently, about marriage and relationships. . . . . . .

Knowing that my husband will arrive when the time is ripe and ready for harvest. That I can take comfort in ceasing the search - knowing full well that God has a chosen man who will walk alongside me and I in him for years to come. That he will value me as a woman, as a wife, and as a future mother just as I plan to value him as a man, as a husband, and as the future father of our children. He will ultimately not be the person that "completes" me, as society often encourages us to believe, but rather, one who is completed in God, because of His saving love on the cross. My husband's love should not be showcased, but should be a love that overflows from his heart because of his divine humility. I want a man who will love me for who I am, not for my work. I want a human being who has faults, but is desperately working to come to terms with his sinful nature and thus, working to overcome them day by day. I want a man who enjoys being with me - and, one who is eager to watch me grow in God. I want a man who I can support and who can support me. I long for a man who is grounded in Jesus, and who finds his value and his worth in Him. I seek a man who not only "walks the walk" but "talks the talk." One that is efficient, reliable, and trustworthy. I seek a man that does not have an E-harmony profile, but one who is eagerly profiling the women in search of the best fit. I want a man who is praying for me, and I for him. I want a man that, like a pair of jeans you put on that fits so perfectly, I get the same feeling from. I want a man who is caring and not afraid to shed a tear (or tears!). I want a man who has a sympathetic heart towards all and who touches the lives of all those he interacts with. I want a man like Boaz with a relationship like his and Ruth's.

So, as the "Lady in Waiting", I wait; for him, for my Boaz. I want a man who sees my singleness not as something to take away from me, but as something to learn more about. Until then, I want to be an influence for other single women, and I pray that my life might exemplify Jesus and point all toward God. I know that someday, somewhere, my husband and I will finally meet. Perhaps he's someone I have known all along, perhaps he's someone who knows very little about me. Either way, a friendship is bound to form. This future that I long for will not just be a new chapter in  my life, but simply an addition to all that God has blessed me with thus far.

My Goals

I've been trying to figure out what to write on here for the past several days. Yet, every time I come to this part, I draw a blank. Alas, let's try this again.

Here are some goals I have for the next month.

1.) A daily, regular quiet time with God.
2.) Less time checking my phone for text messages/emails/etc.
3.) Weekly time writing poetry.
4.) Weekly time for leisure reading.
5.) Regular time journaling.
6.) Fruitfully using this season of singleness for good - to use my testimony to help other women and, to use what I've learned to help me set clear expectations for what I look for in a man.
7.) Continuing to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables on a daily basis.
8.) Caring for those around me in a tangible and giving way.

For those who have never set short-term or long-term goals, I encourage you to try. Share your thoughts with the people who hold you accountable. And, feel free to post your goals here.

Happy Saturday!

The Intersection Between Leisure and Work

Today was absolutely wonderful!

I learned about the intersection between leisure and work. I was able to set aside time for a friend (that during my regular work week, would be challenging for me to do) and was able to complete some school work. I wasn't worried about the "next thing" to go to or being on a set time schedule. In fact, one of the main things that I learned about life today is that I am able to accomplish required work while at the same time, doing things for myself. 

For example, this morning I went to the gym. I was able to relax while working out, without having to think about the next meeting to go to or tutoring session to attend. It is an activity that is both enjoyable and beneficial for me to partake in. And I really think that each and every one of us needs at least one activity to participate in on a daily basis. Whether it is reading one or two chapters of a favorite book, listening to some music, writing, playing a musical instrument, doing a sport, drawing, the possibilities are endless. Schedule this time in your agenda each day with one day completely free from work and intentionally set aside for rest.  

Try it - and share your comments here. 

The Fifth Day

Day five without any social media.

I'm learning about the importance of filling my life with things that matter:

friends,
home cooked meals,
laughter,
pancakes,
long conversations,
happiness,
accountability,
community,
rest.

May you be encouraged to invest in a friend's life this week. May your activities know no time, be intentional, and truly life-giving.

Springtime in my Soul

"Springtime in my Soul."

That's what was spoken by a friend at the Ash Wednesday Service I attended last night. This really stayed with me - that a person's soul is capable of having life even when something (like a habit) is taken away. The "springtime" aspect gives me the hope that this separation won't last forever. There is an end in sight but it is the process, or the things that we learn along the way, that truly matter the most.

Today, I didn't really miss being connected to social media. In all honesty, the ability to "disconnect" and focus on a desire deep within that mattered (teaching, family, rest) - that was/is the key. There were times where I looked at my phone and wondered about what was going on with my friends, but then I was gently reminded that I can call them, talk to them, or schedule a coffee date with them. Ahh, the essence of being personal! Granted, not every day I will feel focused to participate in something completely opposite of my habits that I've called my own for such a long period of time. I do know, however, that our society lacks that person-ability in a world so dominated by tweets, texts, status updates, and pictures. Every time I look to snap a picture of the latest beautiful sunrise or sunset, I think to myself: "Just enjoy it." Historically, cameras were a luxury that captured significant moments in people's lives. What's the point of documenting every little bit of my life in pictures and broadcasting it to a world that I forget to acknowledge the beauty and creativity behind it all?

My hope is that you would see the "springtime" in your soul - whether you've called the cold wintry climate your home for years or have seen snippets of spring frolic in your life. Be open to the blossoming and buds, and allow the warm sunshine heat up your soul in the days ahead.

A Lenten Journey 2013

Hi Friends,

On Wednesday, February 13, I will be taking a break from all social media. This type of break is commonly referred to as "fasting" in Christian circles. In today's society, fasting is often thought of as not eating - and in some cases, this is true. However, I believe that fasting, or "taking a break" from things that cause us distraction or deter us further away from who we are (our identity) applies to everyone, regardless of your spiritual background. The Lenten season (the period from Feb. 13 through the beginning of April) reminds me of Christmas. On the one hand, the waiting part - looking towards the end result- is extremely hard. On the other hand, the expectation leaves one with joyful hope and eager anticipation of what is to come.

With that said, I invite you all to come with me on my Lenten Journey, and perhaps, start one of your own. Think about what you might "give up," knowing that in about 8 weeks, you will get "it" (whatever that "it" is for you) back. Is it texting? Movies? Coffee? Chocolate? Chips? Work avoidance? Lack of spending time with your family and closest friends?

For me, I need to give up social media, specifically Instagram and Facebook. I often find myself more concerned about my friend's pictures, and crafting the perfect status updates; things that really have no weight and little meaning in our world. I navigate to these technological resources when I am bored or should be doing something else. And over time, I've learned that such tools that were originally created for something good, have been distorted because of our views and use of them. I also have observed that these types of social media put a damper in the time that I spend with God, my family, and my leisure times. I see myself in a relationship of sorts - waiting for the next "notification" and in that, comparing myself and my accomplishments to the larger world. It's an unhealthy relationship that I've felt has needed some significant change for quite some time.

So this series of daily posts, is my commitment to you, my readers, and myself that I will follow through. I like to think of this "fast" as a healthy and better alternative to channel my thoughts, use my time, and develop my talents. From this experience, I expect to learn, to love, to make mistakes, to fall down, to pick myself back up, and most of all, to grow. I hope that together, you and I can use this space to share the lessons we've learned along the way.

Cheers!

P.S. Here's a Lenten Calendar I've held onto for 3 years. May it inspire you :)